[Archive]

Originally Posted By Maria

Dear Carol, As a refresher I'm the birthmom, who found her 17 yr old daughter registered at a reunion site in November. From the info provided it was obvious she had registered without her parents knowledge. I sent her a "confidential" email, but received no response. You suggested that I either sit tight and wait, or possibly write to her parents but not indicate that their daughter was searching. I did both. For two months I heard nothing from my bdaughter but I tried to hope for the best and wait patiently. I also wrote a letter to my daughters parents suggesting to them that maybe it would be a good idea for us to get to know one another better in case their daughter ever became curious about me.... I did not tell them she was searching for me, as I felt like it was her place to do that and not mine. That letter was given to them around January 20th.

On February 9, 1999, I received the greatest blessing! My daughter emailed me for the first time! Words cannot describe how I felt. She apologized for not responding sooner but said she wanted to discuss things with her parents first. I assumed she had done that in a very positive way. At least that's what I hoped for and envisioned. Here is a email I posted about what really happened..

Well all, today I heard from my intermediary. She told me that my daughters mom called her today. Anyway, I guess my bdaughter and her parents were having an argument, and during it, my daughter chose to tell them she had contacted me. Ouch!! I wish she hadn't done it that way. Now her parents are probably feeling more threatened than ever. Then I guess they told her that they had received a letter from me. Then my daughter got mad at them because they hadn't told her they had heard from me. Double Ouch!! This is not how I wanted or hoped it would go. I really do not want to cause any trouble between her and her parents. I guess they asked to see the emails I had written to her, and she wouldn't show them to them. I wish she had because everything said in them was completely positive and "pro adoptive parents" I told her that her relationship with them needed to come first, and even asked her to tell them I loved them and to thank them for letting her email me. I guess my bdaughter left for Italy, shortly after that, as they are all suppose to talk about it more when they she gets home. Oh yeah, my daughter also told her parents that she wanted to meet me before she went to college.

My daughter has been gone for almost 10 days, and these have been the hardest 10 days of my life (at least recently). I was going to write a reassuring letter to her parents, expressing gratitude for being such wonderful parents, reassuring them of my intentions, and letting them know I don't want to take anything away from their relationship with their daughter. But my intermediary said I should just wait as they (her parents) didn't want to do anything else that might be construed as going behind their daughters back. As of now, I believe My bdaughter Michelle must be home. But I still haven't heard from her. This waiting is soo hard. Especially when I feel like the three of them are probably sitting down and trying to make a decision as to whether or not to have me be a part of their lives right now. (Without knowing me, or having all the facts.) I was on the "high" of the rollercoaster ride...now I feel as if I'm on the low. How long should I wait before emailing her again? I would appreciate any advice you have on whether or not its okay to express my feelings to her parents now that she is also home, or if it would be okay to email her before she emails me again.. Love and hugs, Maria

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol, Birthfamily Support Forum

Dear Maria,
First off: your messages are very difficult to read, since you do not format them. When you post them, I suggest that you mark the "smart text" circle, so your paragraphs are not one long line that requires tedious scrolling to the right.

Second: Your "Intermediary" is correct. Sit tight and wait.
The dam has broken and you've got to give some time for the overflow to be corrected.

This is troublesome! Which leads me to believe that I am correct in advising both adoptees and birthparents to wait until the child is at least 21. At this point I think you should let Michelle and her parents come to an agreement.

You certainly don't want to cause a rift in their family life ... and, Marie, you are the outsider; THEY are her parents.

This is NOT going to be an easy time for any of you. I hope that they agree to meet you, I think this would be the best solution. EXCEPT -- your daughter will want to be "in control." She will NOT want either her parents or you to make decisions for her. If any of you try, there will be conflict.

She sounds like she's a pretty strong-willed young lady, and you're in for a pretty rough ride on the roller coaster. Are you seeing a therapist right now? If not, I strongly advise that you look into it. As I always suggest -- read as much as you can about reunions and the reactions of the adoptee and the adoptive family so that you're prepared for the snags that will come in the relationship during the early years.

It will be difficult for your daughter to juggle loyalties ...and her first loyalties will naturally be to the parents who raised her. Don't make it any more difficult for her or them; just step back and give them space to work things out.

Please take a look at our "Reading Room" and "Book Shop" for helpful reading material, and don't hesitate to communicate with me privately, if you have a need to "let it all hang out." I can be reached at z004259b@bc.seflin.org and mcbird@bellsouth.net, though I am thinking of changing the bellsouth address next month.

The "z" address is always good.

Hang in there, and instead of spending the waiting time beating yourself up over what you consider the wrong moves, READ about the mistakes the rest of us have made --and probably STILL ARE making. The reunion/recovery movement is still to young to have some "tried and true!" guidelines to follow; we are all still feeling our way.

Keep cool!
Hugs, Carol

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Marie

I just wanted to share with you what I wished I had known years ago when I reunited with my Bdaughter. I too was advised to write her parents and sent them a very heart warming letter, according to the feedback I got, Mom hit the ceiling, all my words went right over her head and just panicked them. I think there was a fight, a long time went by before I heard anything after that (2 years). And still I hear sporatically, she is graduating from college in a few months, but still I feel her parents and the way they feel have much influenced the slow rate of our relationship. Other bmoms have indicated too that when the parents are upset, the daughters tend to need more space between contact. I just thought maybe you should brace yourself, the ride is just beginning for you and I wish for you the best.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol, Birthfamily Support Forum

Dear Marie:
How sad! I'm so sorry that you encountered problems with your daughter's parents. They must be young -- and obviously your daughter was still young, too.
We do caution birthparents to step lightly when they reunite while their child is still young.
The a-parents naturally feel threatened by you; especially when you "claim" the MOTHER right. Most of them understand that a reunion will probably occur, but they think that will be in the FAR future. When it happens, they resent it. Their job isn't done yet! They don't want competition and would probably even resent a beau if he got too serious. Some are downright hostile. Your letter may have seemed like you were intending to reclaim their daughter. You're an interloper; you're encroaching on their territory, and they're coming to their defense.

We birthmoms tend to be so wrapped up in our own LOSS, that we unintentionally pressure our newly found children and though we THINK we have gentle and grateful feelings for the a-parents, we are often filled with envy.

I came on hot and heavy with Susan and even at her age (she was 32 when we reunited)it was too much, too soon. I also had problems of jealousy whenever I was with her and her parents together. I felt like crying whenever they talked about her growing up years and the pain was so bad that I had to separate myself from them for several years. They are loving and encouraging and supportive, and very, very dear, but I had a terrible time with my emotions. I had lived 32 difficult years apart from my "baby," and I guess I expected miracles.
It is difficult in the early years of reunion. We long for a closeness that really can only come with time. My Susan says we have to "make our history". She has a history with her family, and we have to make one of our own. After 12 years in Recovery, I think we've a good foundation for our "history."
My granddaughters have ensured that.

In time your relationship will improve. As your daughter matures, her parents will also mature and feel more secure in their roles. And, you too will mature and see all sides of the relationship with compassion.

I know how difficult it is -- I've been there. Just hang in there and take whatever your daughter gives you of herself. The "pieces" accumulate, and eventually you'll have a nice "share" of her time and attention.
Hugs and good luck, CAROL