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I hope someone in this group can help me. It was in 1990,
when my girfriend of two years had not called me or talked
to me for about a month , i thought she was mad at me or
wanted a little space. then when she had called , she said
she wanted to talk to me. I immediatley thought she was
going to break up with me, instead she had said she was 7
months pregnant. i was shocked and it felt like i was going
to get sick. this was someone i really cared about, and she
kept this to herself for 6 months, it hurt me so bad, then
we or i should say she had decided on something called an
open adoption, and i agreed. i was 23 at the time and
niether one of us was ready for a child. i just didnt like
the way it had happened. everything was happening so fast.
I was left out of so many of the decisions, we had decided
on two families and she had made the decision by herself,
and left me out of it. i felt like she didnt want me
around. i wanted to be there for her, i felt like it was
both o our responsability, not just hers, i was actually
getting mad for being left out of the most important
decision of my life. she never even called me when she went
to the hospital to deliver the baby. when we went through
the court process, i felt all alone. he she is with the
attorney that she has been talking to for months without my
knowledge. i did agree because of the fact that i knew the
baby would have a better life than we or i could ever give
him. and my girfriend said there would be another chance
later in our future. she broke up with me a month later.
before the adoptive parents had left, they agreed we could
see the baby. we drove about 70 miles to a resteraunt. The
ride down there felt like forever, i was getting so
nervous. This was a chance for me to see a baby that i was
giving up for a better life. The adoptive parents were so
nice, they kept asking me questions about myself, but i was
so quiet, i had my eyes on the baby boy, they named John,
the whole time we were in there. when the mother askeed me
to hold him i agreed, when i did, i started crying, i was
happy and sad at the same time. al my emotions were being
let out at that table. i felt so embarrassed. but i did not
care, i held the baby the one i love till this day. i was
told that because it was an open adoption, that we would
get pictures of john, and letters from the adoptive parents
as he got older , the parents even agreed. here is where i
ask my question. you see when my girfriend broke up with me
she had never given me any of the information etc..
attorneys name , agency, and any other information. i
called her for about two weeks straight she kept ignoring
me then she had moved, i had no clue where she went. i have
been looking for answers for more than 8 years on and off.
i still love this baby, and i am happy he is growing up
with nice, caring parents, that love him also. i just want
advice on what i should do. i would like to see how he has
grown, what he looks like, and if the adptive parents have
questions for me i can answer them for them. i just want
this baby to know that he has a birthfather that loves him,
and that it wasnt some guy that got his girfriend pregnant
and then took off. it was actually the other way around. at
first i regreted the decision, but know i know i made the
right decision, i know he is happy somewhere. i also want
to tell the adoptive parents , that it wasnt me that was
ignoring the open adoption, my exgirfriend left with all
the info, and till this day i would like to tell them ,
that i was sorry for not helping them out with all there
questions the day i met them. in short i would like to get
a chance to contact them and hopefully start the open part
of the adoption that i never got a chance to start. i am
always thinking that my exgirlfriend is still in contact
with them, getting pictures of him, and exchanging letters
with them. they must think im the one that took off, when
in turn she did. what do i do, any help is greatly
appreciated, i am so glad i found this group.

sincerely, still thinking!!!!!!!!!

[Archive]

As you told your story, I felt the pain you must have. Your story is one that needs to be shared, because you are one of the forgotten members of the adoption process. Birthfathers so often are not considered in the decision making process. Your love for this child is evident. Giving up a child is one of the hardest things anyone ever has to face. I know, because I am a birthmother. Sounds like you need some support group for birthfathers to help you through some of the emotions you are dealing with right now. Maybe, someone in this forum can help you there. There maybe someone who can also help you search. Have you considered a private investigator? I hope you will have success.

        &n bsp;

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Support Forum

This is a real puzzle. You don't know the name of the attorney, or the adoptive parents! You don't know where your former girlfriend is, and you are grieving the loss of a child.
Do you have his date of birth, the name of the hospital and city? Have you checked the "on-line national telephone directories for your girlfriend? Do you know any members of her family who might give you her address so you can write to her? I can't help but wonder WHY she kept all of this a secret from you for all those months, and then continued to hedge after the birth. Has it ocurred to you that you might NOT be the child's father, after all?

Nonetheless, since he is still a child, there isn't much you can do right now if your former girlfriend will not give you information. It would be very wise, however, if you sought some professional counseling to help you over the rough times.

Please go to our HOME PAGE and enter the SEARCH ASSISTANCE area for some direction to support groups. You'll also find a
collection of articles "Especially for Men" on our READING ROOM page. Check out our BOOK SHOP for lists of books that may provide some extra support.

You might want to see if there are any legal steps you can take to get information.

I realize this is a difficult time for you and it would be helpful if you could find a BirthFather group. I will check and see what I can come up with.

Hugs,
CAROL