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Originally Posted By Cynthia

In May of 1992 I gave my daughter up for adoption. I had two boys already and was struggling to survive with them. I was single, still am, very little family and only one close friend. I knew I couldn't raise another child alone. I don't regret my choice for adoption. In my heart I know I made the right choice however things didn't go the way I had expected. This was supposed to be an open adoption, but I have never had any connection with the adoptive parents. I tried many times to contact the attorney, Helen Tanos Hope, just to be put off or my calls were never returned and eventually I gave up. I shouldn't have. I know that now, but I couldn't handle the emotional turmoil. I keep thinking that if I had just kept on them, kept calling or writing things would be different now. But, I didn't. I gave up and was soon forgotten. Years passed and I finally gained the courage to call the attorney just to be told she had passed away and there was no access to her files. Which sent me into another tailspon. I took that very hard because she was the only connection I had to my daughter and with her gone so was my hope. I have tried talking with my friends and family but they just don't understand. They try and I am grateful for that but, I feel so alone in this. I can't explain this pain or the hollow feeling deep inside of me. I think the hardest part of this is not knowing anything. Good or bad. I try to imagine what her life is like now. She'd be 6 1/2 years old, in first grade now. Is she happy, healthy, alive? I know nothing about her except for what I saw for myself the day she was born. I did get to hold her, which I am extremely grateful. I met her parents and wrote them a letter while we were still in the hospital to try to explain to them, her and myself what I was thinking and why I gave her up. I even hand delivered it. In my mind's eye I can still see my daughter in her new mothers arms. It still hurts today badly as it did 6 1/2 years ago. I'm not entirely sure what I hope to accomplish with this. I guess I'd just like to know that I'm not as alone as I feel.

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Two days from now on February 4, 1999 my son will be celebrating his 17th birthday. Having been a closed adoption I can't even imagine where he will be clebrating or with whom. I don't know if he was adopted or treated well. There hasn't been one day during these 17 years that I haven't thought about him. It would have been easier if I knew if he were even alive and well. Having been only 17 at the time he was born I pray he had a better life with wonderful parents.

My mother and I finally spoke about it. I found that she has missed him every day too. She stood by me and told me how proud she was that I had the courage to do the "right thing". Now that I'm older I finally learned that the right thing often causes the most pain.

You are definately not alone. I spend each day feeling happy and sad, proud and ashamed, but always praying and hoping. If you need to chat please email me at: <PattiPlus@aol.com>.

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I gave ababy up for adoption in February of 93.It's ann open adoption I get pictures every year.I don't regret my decision but there is a hole in my heart I feel will never mend. Iam a proud mom of a 3year old but I still have that hole in my heart. And I was supposed to go to collage for special ed teacher but that never happened ,yet!And I have been trying to get pregnant for that the last 7 months with nothing yet... So instead of beat myself up over the adoption I finally came to terms we all take different paths in life and maybe I had to go down that to get to another. Please try not cry to many tears because you him a chance which is alot more than alot of people do

[cmindy8]

you are not alone. my son will be 12 years old nov 4th 1992. helen tanos hope was the atty too, she promised me pictures and info on him, and never returned my cals or letters. my sons name i gave him at birth was johnathan edward shlezinger, he was born in sarasota memorial hospital in sarasota fla. i miss him more than i can say. if i would have been financeable and was on my feet i would have kept him, but i wanted to give him a better life than what i sould at that time. i always loved him and spenyt three days in the hospital with him till helen tanos hope came to get him. alot of the adoption files i heard were thrown in the dumpster. i dont know if they even have mine. please dont feel alone. there is alot of us out there that i think she scammed. write me at cmindy8@aol.com