[lisa in venice]

Hi all,
I hope you ladies can help me out with some opinions. I am the mom to three chidlren thru adoption, the first two were placed in traditional closed adoptions. The first time around we really didn't have a choice and didn't know that it was possible to have a more open situation. Our oldest had som medical issues and the lack of info was very difficult. The agency refused to even pass on medical questions from the Drs. With that in mind we went into adoption #2 with the stipulation that we could maintain contact thru the agncy both ways..

Our agency was contacted by Children's Home Society in Ventura CA because they had a Biracial baby girl to place and no families willing to take her. The birth mom would only consider families that she could meet. Since we had stated that we were eager for more openness we were chosen. In her info she stated that she wanted regular contact and at the meeting we agreed to keep contact thru the agency until she felt comfrotable with direct contact. it was all up to her.

Well for nearly two years we sent letters and pictures to the agency without contact from her. We knew that she was planning to move away with her parents but thought it odd that she had not responded. So I called CHS. They told me that they had not forwarded any of the things and they were all sitting in a file. They said that unless the birth mom specifically asked that they automatically did closed adoptions and would not forward anything inorder to protect her privacy.

Now I can understand that but I was under the impression that she WANTED info on Rachel. I told them that I was looking at her intake form where she stated that she wanted to get updates so why is it now completely closed? They told me that unless she specifically asked them to write the contract that way they would not. I asked if she was adviced of this and they hemmed and hawed giving me the impression that they never told her this.

Fast forward 4 years and we are sitting in a support group for all members of the triad with our third child's birth mom and her sister. There were several young women who had initially planned to place thier babies thru CHS but left to go to other agencies becuase they said CHS didn't give them any info about openness. The idea that "T" was not really given any choices chystylized in my head. It has been 4 years since then and my dd is now 11 and wants contact. I am wondering if "T" even knows that she can contact us or if she isn't interested.

While the agency did all they could to prevent any identifying infomations from passing either way the foster family that had Rachel put together enough info for us to be able to find "T". My question is how would you feel to have a search done so early. I suspect that many birth parents half expect children to search for them at 18 or 21 but how would you feel aboutcorresponding with a younger child? Do you think she initially thought she wanted contact but changed her mind? is it a horrible and intrusive thing to be searched for?

We're thinking of doing it soon to prevent Rachel from doing it herself (very bright, self motivated and relentless child). I would like to be a intermediary as sixth grad girls are not the most subtle people in the world and mine is even more direct than most.

lisa

[Teresa K]

Lisa,

I have a friend who placed a son 12 years ago in a closed adoption. About a year ago the adoptive mother called the bio grandmother of the child telling her the child was asking a lot of questions. Needless to say the grandmother was totally speechless, but after the inititial shock very excited as they had always thought about him and what kind of lifehe has. The adoptive mother had the last name off his original birth certificate and had kept the name given at birth. Since then the child has met his siblings and most of the bio mothers family which is huge but they all knew she had placed a child

I think every situation is unique but after reading she stated she did want updates I do not see anything wrong with a letter, or phone call to the bio family. I also want to tell you I admire what you want to do for your daughter, it is very unselfish and more adoptive families need to take lessons on compassion. Good Luck with whatever you do, Teresa

[Carol Bird]

Why don't you post your information and an e mail address on the on-line Reunion Registries ...
Say something like "A-Parents and daughter would like some type of contact with Birthmother "T" ... Sent letters to Agency, but they won't pass them on.
Please contact if you are agreeable."

And ... congratulations to you for being such an understanding parent.

Hugs, Carol Bird, Birthmom in Reunion 16 years.