[Laurie39]

This is my first time at this and Im not sure Im even in the right forum or not. But I need to talk about this and Im hoping it will be easier to do it on paper than to the people around me who dont seem to understand. They try but until it has happen to them they dont have the faintest idea. About 15 years ago I placed my son up for adoption. I was not working at the time and did not want to be a welfare mom. The father wanted nothing to do with the baby or I. And I wanted him to have a mother and a father. I know it was the right thing to do for him as I see how happy he is and healthy he looks through pics that I get. And really thought I had made it through the rough time of missing him which I always will but it seem to get easier and easier everyday. Until 2001 when I was faced with putting another child up for adoption. This one is through an open adoption agency and the parents I choose have been wonderful in letting us (My boyfriend who is not the father but should be) see him. But now I have the emotions of placing this one, bringing back all the hurt of placing the other one up for adoption. And Im trying not to let it run my life but both B-days are so close to Christmas and the holidays that It brings out all the wrong feelings durning this time and makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything, work, family,my relationship etc. I know there are alot of you out there that are going through the same thing that I am and I was just hoping that maybe if I talked about it, it would help. If anyone has suggestions too on dealing with these emotions I would be very greatful. Thank You!

[Missy M]

Hello Laurie.....I am Marcia and I am also a b-mom having placed my daughter at birth 31 years ago and reunited 8 months ago. I am glad you've found this forum because its very helpful. I also found it difficult to talk face to face about my emotional state regarding my posistion in the triad; so having this site as well as another (see Skye) that I am very fond of was / is wonderful.
I am certainly no professional, but as a fellow b-mom, I want to say first that what you are going thru is so very normal. Grief has no time frame, it happens when it happens.... I have just realized that I was so preoccupied with arranging everything when my Dad died 15 years ago, that I never allowed myself to mourn his passing. It wasn't until I lost Mom and my sister in 2000 that I even started to mourn Dad...13 years later; but not too late.
Also, when I placed my daughter, I was told from everyone I came into contact with that I was doing what was best for the baby, so I actually didn't *know* that it was OK to feel the loss. I felt that if this was best for her then sadness would be so out of place; so it was years before I felt free enough to release or even explore what I felt. For so many years I didn't feel anything. I filled my days up with college, my toddler born 1 year before her,becoming engaged and just whatever it took to keep me from reliving the day I placed her. I put all of my emotions into this neat little box and into the back of the *things I need to do LATER* closet.
I'm trying to say that what you are now feeling is so normal. Adoption (placement) reminds me of a person who's gone off to war and is now thought to be missing in action. She's gone, but there is no body, will be no service, no cards, no flowers and all the world is looking at how brave you are/ were to let her go. So you act brave and proud too. You refuse to cry and give way to grief because she's really not dead.....just gone; just missing from your life. And no one misses her more than you. In my own family no one spoke of my baby after I placed her. I was pregnant for 9 months and left for 5 days and came back with an empty stomach, empty arms and a heavy heart, but no one asked anything. As I said on the other site it was like sitting in front of an aquarium and watching 100 beautiful fish and a goat swim by....and nobody mentions the goat...even when it floats by in distress, and later when it floats by slowly feet up eyes open! No one bothered to even say....Is the goat normal??? Why is it in there? What should we do now that its dead? It was almost like:... Heck, if the fish are Ok then we'll just wait and see what happens...its the goats fault for being in there anyway and since we've never done something so stupid ourselves, how are we supposed to know what to do? My family had no clue how to deal with this situation so they avoided it altogether. I wanted to stand on the table in the middle of dinner feet in the mashed potatoes and yell, LISTEN UP STUPID PEOPLE; YOU ARE NOT BLIND, I WAS PREGNANT AND NOW I AM NOT, YET THERE IS NO NEW BABY, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,COMMENTS, CONCERNS, OR THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THESE THINGS???
Ok Ok I am rambling....think I still have my share of emotional garbage??? You betcha'. Does it get easier....You betcha'. I am glad you are here, maybe we can't help each other.....Marcia

[Laurie39]

Marcia, Im sorry its taken so long to get back to you. I read your story and feel for you. Thats the one thing that scares me the most with my first sons adoption. As well as my second sons adoption. But mainly with the first cause I have only seen him in pictures. He's getting close to the age of 18 and I worry that he wont want to find me and if he does want to find me that he will be truly disappointed in what he finds. With my second son. The fact that I get to spend time with him helps but I get scared that they will eventually stop letting me see him. And then what do I do. It tears me up inside wondering what the future holds in store with my two sons. My boyfriend trys to be there for me he was there through the whole pregnancy as well as the adoption and I know it tears him up to but he is not the B-Father and has two children of his own to focas on. I don't. I know I gave two couples a gift of having a child they couldnt have, And I know this may sound selfish on my part but what about me. Whats my gift out of this. A broken heart. And Empty arms. Not fair. Thanks for responding to my problem. Im really hoping talking about this will make all the B-Moms and Dads out there more able to cope with the hurt. Laurie

[Carol Bird]

Dear Laurie,
I'm a birthmother of the early 1950s and well understand your feelings. I was separated from my daughter for the first 32 years of her life. It was a closed , private adoption and, in those days, you were lucky if you knew ANYTHING about the family that adopted your child, much less received photographs and occasional updates.

Your first child WILL be interested in knowing you, and I suggest that you write a letter to him and ask the Agency to place it in his files so he will have it when he becomes old enough to think of reunion. As long as the Agency knows that you are consenting to contact, they will pass on the letter and perhaps act as a go between when it is time to reunite.

In the meantime, post your information on the Adoption Registry you'll find at http;//www.adoptionregistry.com just in case he comes on-line and discovers the reunion movement.

More important -- please read as much as you can to help prepare you for the issues you will face when you reunite.
It isn't a stress-free experience, especially during the early years. I've been in reunion with my daughter 16 years on 12/16/02, and I still have my "low moments."

We have some very helpful articles at http://www.adoptionlibrary.com. I expecially recommend REUNION SOCIALIZATION and the TOP TEN STEPS TO A SUCCESSFUL REUNION, but there are many, many more pieces that can help you prepare.

Courtney and Skye are both Birthmoms in Open Adoptions and they can be of great help to you through the latest adoption. Please make use of the Forums here. While they cannot take the place of professional counseling, they CAN be of help, support and consolation.

Good luck. Hugs, Carol Bird

[brenluc]

Laurie,
My name is Brenda and I also gave my first born a girl up for adoption 15 years ago this jan coming. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My parents felt that it was the right thing to do ,a nd it was .But that did not stop me from having two more kids in two years. now my daughter who I gave up is going on 15 my oldest son is going on 14 and my baby so to speask is going on 13 . I am thank ful for my other children, but I ache for her more and more every year. Since she is my only daughter everytime I see a young girl with red hair and green eyes I wonder if it can be her. I do not even get pictures I haven't seen her since she was two weeks old. I know that sometimes it can be unbearable to do everyday things when you miss your child so much. But we have to keep on living for that child so one day you and myself will see our children and tell them how much we missed them and love them . If you need a friend I am available send me a post and maybe we can exchange e mails. Praying for you and me to keep going for our kids.

[shirleyville]

Laurie,
I may not have the "right" to post here, as I am an adoptee and not a birthmother. I spend a lot of time looking at the birthmother forums, tho, because it helps me to imagine what my own birthmother must be thinking and feeling.
I am 38 years old, and was adopted at birth in 1964. My adoption was, as they all were at the time, closed and private. I recently (on my 38th birthday) enlisted the help of a Confidential Intermediary thru my state....and in November, the courts opend my records and turned them over to her.
As part of the CI process, I am allowed to write a letter -- with no identifying onformation, of course -- to my birthmother, and in that letter, I said something to my birthmother that might help you. I don't know....but I thought I would share, anyway.
You asked "what the "gift" was for you, in all of this process", and while I can't give you a definitive answer, I can tell you what I belive, and what I told my birthmother in the letter.
My birth, and existance on this earth is a miracle....by giving birth to me, my birthmother changed the world. I teach theatre arts to children ages 4-7, and every day, as I am teaching, I am reminded that I am making a difference in their lives. By participating in the plays and learning the discipline that it takes to memorize lines and music, at that age, those kids walk away a little taller, with more self-confidence and their eyes shine! They are changed forever after we do a show. I just finished doing Annie last week, ALL thru the show, I was in tears, wishing my birthmother could be there, to see it -- because she would know that her decision -- perhaps the hardest decision she has ever made -- had a payoff, much bigger than she could know. I am here, to teach these children "life lessons" that they will carry with them, and pass on to THEIR children, because my birthmother chose life for me.
I am here to love and be loved in return because she gave me life......and my life is a miracle.
Maybe that doesn't seem like a "gift" for YOU, personally, but I think it is. You are part of a miracle that changed the world -- your sons will are out there changing the world inthe lives of many, many people, and it's because of you and your love.
I have no idea if that helps any.....but I wanted to share anyway!
Hugs,
Sally

[Laurie39]

Thanks for telling me your story. There are so many of us out there who sound exactly the way I feel. It makes me feel sad for everyone of you because even though I knew I wasn't the only one who ever put a child up for adoption it seemed like I was the only one who felt the way I did. For example my friend place a child up a few years earlier ( before I placed my first born.) and she never showed it. I never saw her cry a tear. She never even talked about it. It was like she was pregnant and then she wasn't. I guess maybe she never showed it in front of me. But Im a softy I can't seem to hide my emotions. Sometimes I think Im too soft. But then with the profession I am in sometimes I feel like Im to hard. I dont know. Anyway Brenda I would like to exchange e-mail addresses with you. Haveing all of you to talk to is making the holidays go by easier. Im still having a rough time but it seems like I don't cry as often or get angry as often....... Again thank you. And to Carol Bird. I will look up the places that you told me about I tried the adoption registry earlier but it wouldnt come up. Thank you for your story too all of you all have been soo wonderful to write me. Thank you!!!!!

[brenluc]

Laurie,
thanks for getting back to me my e mail is brenwif@aol.com the other day I was trying to find a way to find my daughter and I of corse got no where. I am always told that it will cost over $700.00 dollars and that I will have to wait until she is 18 . i know they are right and that I should wait. I just feel so betrayed . I made a deal to sign her over to the people that are her parents now under the understanding of yearlt updates and pictures. I was so upset the other day I CRIED it felt like she is continuing being pulled away from me. I relive that moment of giving her up over and over again. Sometimes it feels like the pain is so great you feel like you can not breathe. well I hope that we can be friends and help each other get thru the pain. talk to you soon.
Brenda

[Laurie39]

Brenda, I know how you feel and I am sorry. I dont get the letters and pics like I used to but on my end its my fault cause the adoption agency I went through on my first born changed there policy a little bit and said that I could write the A-parents as long as I didnt mention certian things such as location and such. Im such a big softy that when I tried to do it I started crying and tore it up and havent tried to write it again nor the letter to my son. But yet have no trouble writing to my second son's A-mom at all. Maybe cause I met her and got to know her a little bit before the birth. ???? Any way my e-mail address is Brneyedlady38@aol.com I would us to become friends and try to help each other out. I know about the pain. As Im sure alot of other people do to. I know Im tired of crying. We all have to much to live for to let all this pain control us. But sometimes it hurts to much not too. Laurie