[quantum]

Hiya, I've been reading 'The Girls that Went Away'. I'm realising a lot of things that I've never understood really before.
I just wanted to put them down somewhere! Figured here was as good as anyplace since a lot of you can relate.

I always felt the adoption was MY decision. And it was in some ways. I did lose control over the circumstances. I would have rather had something open but that option was taken from me.

My parents always said 'this is your decision' they still do. They use that as a guilt chip on me. As in 'well we DID offer to take him.'
The thing is though...I made this decision because it seemed like what they would want me to do. I can still remember the relief I felt when the first doctor recommended that. That it was something I could ease the blow of 'I'm pregnant.' with. The 'but I'm giving the baby up for adoption.'

My parents STILL send such mixed messages. We let this be YOUR decision. We DID offer to raise him. But they hid me away in their house (we had moved right before I started college, right after I got pregnant). I wasn't allowed to answer the phone when I was still supposed to be at school. My mom said to me how she didn't tell anyone because SHE didn't want to be judged. Wow. Reading this book I see how much a part of that generation being judged, the neighbors opinions and so on. It's no wonder that I went along with this.

I can see even more why the 'forget about it' ' go on with your life' line was so appealing to them.

My dad doesn't really like kids. Taking my son would have been forever used against me. It would have killed me to see them raise him and me having to pretend he wasn't mine. I feel like they offered because they felt it was what they 'should' do. They never offered to help me parent. My mom was going through empty nest syndrom, I'm sure that the idea of raising him was appealing to her. Her role would have been clear again.

It was so important to them that I get back to a pre-pregnancy appearance after he came...

Still, 23 years later, they are still taking the line of silence is best. I feel this guilt that I took their grandson away from them, but that isn't so. I did what I felt they wanted, even if it was never said out loud.

I feel ripped to shreds inside. I want to heal. The book is helping but it's rough to read for me. At least I think it's helping.

Thanks for letting me rant.

[kune]

Hang in there quantum. I think we all go back over what was, even though we know the real truth in our hearts.

There's a medical term - cellulitis - a body cell that's been damaged has a memory and it will flare up like the original wound.
Oh...we understand it - we live with it - but it still hurts.
((Hugs))

Ann

[Jackiejdajda]

From In Search of Stones.. Scott Peck.. page 8

There are other reasons I can give – and some I will as the occasion arises – for my fearfulness and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. It is a great principle in psychiatry that “ all symptoms are overdetermined.” This means that they have more than one cause. Among her other problems, an early patient of mine, Clarissa, had a bizarre and obviously psychosomatic dermatitis of just one hand. After four months of psychotherapy we discovered a juicy Freudian explanation for this unusual symptom. I can remember rushing home that evening and telling Lily, “I’ve cured Clarissa, I’ve cure Clarissa!” But I hadn’t at all. Her dermatitis persisted. Four months later we uncovered a second reason for it. It remained unchanged. A few more months went by and a third reason emerged. Then a fourth. When a fifth reason was clarified after a year and a half of therapy, Clarissa’s hand then – and only then—became as good as new.

I want to scream this from the rooftops: “All symptoms are over determined.” Except that I want to expand it way beyond psychiatry. I want to expand it to almost everything. I want to translate it, “Anything of any significance is over determined. Everything worth thinking about has more than one cause.” Repeat after me: “For any single thing of importance, there are multiple reasons.” Again, “For any single thing of importance there are multiple reasons.”

My shrillness in this matter is provoked by a problem with the Age of Reason. Because we assume there is a reason for everything, we go looking for it when we should be looking for them.



That (above) helped me when I was looking at my anxiety around giving my son up and who was to blame.. I had done it I would tell myself.. I had given him up and I am to blame.. I had gotten pregnant and I am to blame.. I was a stranger in a strange land when I got pregnant I now see..

But as Peck wrote.. “For any single thing of importance, there are multiple reasons.”

Now when I feel the guilt I go over the ‘multiple’ reasons.. write them down in a place such as this.. talk about it..
And tell my mind to stop that negativity when it is not earned.. or real.. or relevant..

Jackie

[lalgee]

I am in the same spot with that book. I just read it through once and now am going back through it. what a eye opener!

That book opened my eyes for the first time to what had happened at the time I "decided" to surrender my son. I was just doing what I thought I'd BETTER do if I wanted to see the light of day again. I mean, I felt like I was in BIG trouble and I better not make any more waves - getting pregnant was bad enough, don't make them put up with raising that child TOO. I was told things like "you'll never be able to _____ with a baby", "no one will ever want you with someone else's baby", and, my favorite, "all your friends will be out having a good time and a great life, but you'll never be able to because you'll always be 'strapped down' with a baby". But then in the very next breath I heard "but it's YOUR decision, YOU have to decide."
The things I didn't hear were, "Lynda, this is your own flesh and blood, and we are all willing to do anything it takes to keep our family together. You will miss him forever if you let him go, and it will be very painful for you to deal with every single day for the rest of your life. If you want to raise him, we will stand by you and encourage you and give you our love and support, so that neither of you have to be strong all by yourself. We love you and we love your child and that's what families do." THAT would have been some good advice in a very troubled time. Instead, I got hidden and shuffled off to a home to have my baby alone and then surrender him alone with no adult or legal representation but the social worker who was going to benefit greatly by my surrender. How is any of that RIGHT? I didn't even get a copy of anything I signed. And the darndest thing to me is that a 14 year old can - without any parental guidance - surrender a child by signing a legal document in front of a judge and not be entitled to a copy of those documents then or now - 24 years later.
Reading that book made me see how I was manipulated - I was not coerced or tricked like some women in that book - but manipulated nonetheless. I never accepted or admitted that before because it always felt like a cop-out or like i was placing the responsibility for my actions on someone else. And after all, how could I do that when it was MY decision?

[quantum]

Exactly.

I'm still processing the book, my feelings. Everything.