[Janeytwo]

Sometimes I wake in the dead of night....the house is quiet....and there's nothing between me and my thoughts but an old lumpy pillow and a desire to understand this journey I've been on; a desire to give it it's due and let it be.

A monumental task not lightly taken. How does one learn to accept what's been; to accept it with grace and honor?

Last night my eyes flew open and I remembered a story I read in Junior High about a guy who travels back through time.....back to the primordial ooze. He's told to be careful; that he must stay on the path and not meander; that any misstep could alter the future. But he becomes distracted and steps on a mosquito. Such an insignificant thing or so he thinks. Yet upon his return to the "now" he discovers that everything has changed, everything he knew is gone and has been replaced by something else. He has altered his own life irreparably.



That's how this journey through adoption has felt to me. Every step I take, every communication I offer here, every truth I share echoes back to the "then" and reverberates in the "now". It changes me. It changes my reality; my perceptions of who I was and where I will go next.

Nothing else in my life, no experience has been quite like this; quite this powerful.

It seems I must go back in order to travel forward but I must be careful how and where I step because the lives of others are so intertwined with mine on this path.

Not just the lives of my four beloved children but the lives of strangers here in this reality; people I don't know or barely know or have come to love regardless of their surreal "e-existence".

My footsteps sound in the hearts of those here with me. Yet I am a lone sojourner hoping to mend the "now" by facing the "then".

I pray that my missteps will be few and insignificant.

[quantum]

But remember Janey, those supposed 'missteps' have already happened... your journey into the past can't have the same consequences ad the boy in the story. Unless you're keeping something from me bud! :-)

But it is a tricky journey. I've gone through so much, especially in the past 3 years. How can I really regret anything when I have the life I have now? and when my son says how he feels like he's won the lottery? I've needed to feel those feelings though, and explore them. Thank goodness I've been in a safe place (both here and irl) to do that.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Q!! (Using your new moniker. It reminds me of Star Trek! I like it!!)

But remember Janey, those supposed 'missteps' have already happened... your journey into the past can't have the same consequences as the boy in the story.

I know what you mean. Sigh....but it's like the other day my youngest started crying and saying that she was hurt because since I regret relinquishing my kids that means I regret having her because if I would've kept them I wouldn't have met her dad and then she wouldn't be here!!

Whew! The mind of a 13 year old. It is frightening.

And then there is the doubts of should I be even thinking of reunion. Always in the back of my mind are two thoughts......or maybe they're fears masking themselves as doubt.

1. If they're happy with their lives - all of them - not just my children but their parents, siblings they may have now - all of them..........why tread on that? Why bring a past that served no purpose into their lives? I'm not saying my past as far as my children go (I could never regret them) but my history; what happened in my family that led to where I went. Why bring that to people who have no need to know of such things? Am I then stepping off the path for my own selfish reasons and hurting others in doing so? I can't see where that would be stepping correctly, if you know what I mean.

2. In trying to find two children I miss, what am I doing to the two children who are with me? How do I find balance in that without causing pain? I mean, it would simple to say: "S & T I'd like you meet your brother and sister". Who is to say that any of them would want to know each other? And why should any of them have to deal with the emotions or whatever behind that?

It rattles the brain.

See that's what I mean. I was told that my children would never need me like children adopted and raised alone. That because they were together studies had indicated that in their unique circumstance they would have none of the adjustment problems other adoptees sometimes had.

Note to any adoptees who may read this: That's not me saying you guys have adjustment problems. I would never say that!! That's just what I was told back in the day.


I feel like because of this....because they stressed that so clearly....that I have to consider it with every step I take. I was assured at every meeting with counselors (quote loosely from memory): "Your children won't ever need to know you. They have each other. They'll be able to look into each other faces and see physical traits they recognize. They'll have the bond of brother and sister and that will make a difference. They'll never come looking for you."


If they're right Q, what then?

So if I reach back into the past, what do I bring into the future for those that I love - that would be all my children?

And in all of this always is my concern for my children's parents. Maybe that seems wrong to some....I don't know. But it is there.

Thanks for listening to me prattle on.

[quantum]

I don't know if I beleive all that they told you. Or rather, I wouldn't take it as gospel!

I was told I wasn't allowed to look for my son. Why would he need me? But you know what Janey, he seems really glad that I did, and he seems really glad to have me in his life. I would love for you to have what I have now, but I know there are no guarentees.
And it's not just about physical similarities. It's about knowing your roots. My son has been so curious about where the family came from. Stuff that only you can give them.
As well as maybe understanding why you did relinquish. I know it's tough, but maybe they need to know. I'm saying maybe, to cover my ...
As far as their parents, my son's were terrified of me, but now they've faced the dragon and I hope they feel better off for doing that. I think they do.

I also feel like all of my children's lives are enriched by knowing all of their siblings. Really. Ok, the girls are awfully young, but I think it can only be good (or mostly be good) in the future.

I know it's SO EASY to get sucked into the negative. Beleive me I know, but sometimes we just have to suck it up and believe in the positive as well.

(((((Janey))))

[Dickons]

[quote]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

I know what you mean. Sigh....but it's like the other day my youngest started crying and saying that she was hurt because since I regret relinquishing my kids that means I regret having her because if I would've kept them I wouldn't have met her dad and then she wouldn't be here!!

Whew! The mind of a 13 year old. It is frightening.

Janey, Janey, Janey...she is 13...she is thinking the logical scenario that could have occurred...but the fact that she wants to talk about it just means she needs to be reassured that she is loved and you would choose to have her as your child, and knowing you, she has been reassured...

1. If they're happy with their lives - all of them - not just my children but their parents, siblings they may have now - all of them..........why tread on that? Why bring a past that served no purpose into their lives? I'm not saying my past as far as my children go (I could never regret them) but my history; what happened in my family that led to where I went. Why bring that to people who have no need to know of such things? Am I then stepping off the path for my own selfish reasons and hurting others in doing so? I can't see where that would be stepping correctly, if you know what I mean.

We need our past, we need to understand the reasons, all of them...we need to know that we are not flawed but that there were reasons.

2. In trying to find two children I miss, what am I doing to the two children who are with me? How do I find balance in that without causing pain? I mean, it would simple to say: "S & T I'd like you meet your brother and sister". Who is to say that any of them would want to know each other? And why should any of them have to deal with the emotions or whatever behind that?

It rattles the brain.

You can just be there and allow each of your children the right to own their own decisions, just like you own your decisions...it is up to them how they will react but I think you will be surprised.

See that's what I mean. I was told that my children would never need me like children adopted and raised alone. That because they were together studies had indicated that in their unique circumstance they would have none of the adjustment problems other adoptees sometimes had.

Note to any adoptees who may read this: That's not me saying you guys have adjustment problems. I would never say that!! That's just what I was told back in the day.


I feel like because of this....because they stressed that so clearly....that I have to consider it with every step I take. I was assured at every meeting with counselors (quote loosely from memory): "Your children won't ever need to know you. They have each other. They'll be able to look into each other faces and see physical traits they recognize. They'll have the bond of brother and sister and that will make a difference. They'll never come looking for you."

That they were raised in the same home is in my opinion a good thing but only having validity of self identity in regards to how we look is not the only reason we search. For those who do that desire to know never goes away, it gets buried under life events but always comes back.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

Thanks for keeping up with me on this.

I apologize for not responding yet. My daughter has taken a bad turn in her disorder and we had to go back to Children's Hospital yesterday and there are more complications now this morning. :-(

I will get back to this though as I love what you guys said and always appreciate your wisdom and kindness.

Hugs to ya!

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

My brain was cooked yesterday with all of the tremendous stress that has been on me these past two days, so forgive me if my response sounds nutty! I'm not sure how today is going to go but I wanted to get in here with my friends and get my "fix" to the me that needs fixing. LOL!


Quantum

I don't know if I beleive all that they told you. Or rather, I wouldn't take it as gospel!

I think I've held onto what they told me...held on to it like a mantra. I know see that I needed to believe it. Does that make sense? It was my panacea for when I'd get those 'panic times' when my heart would stop in my chest and I'd think too myself "OMG! Do they think I abandoned them!!!"

That's when I'd calm my heart with the mantra of "remember they told you your kids would never need you; they have each other. They won't give you a second thought".

That was my comfort and my comfort turned out to be a lie. And I would say that it was a lie I inadvertently participated in, except that I was so very young and the powers that were were telling me that this was the truth. Who was I to think different?

What a mess was made of things in the Closed Era!!!


Deep down too is the fear that if we - as birthmothers - were stuck in the "then", will our children remain stuck in it as well.

So many times I've read on here of adoptees finding their birthparents and then saying how the birthparents were druggies and convicts and poor and the like. There is always that terrible word "were".

I was not the first two but I was the last. If it's hard for me to see past that, how will my children do it?

And why should they?

They were relinquished due to what was back "then". How can I ask them to accept that but then turn around and see me as I am "now"?

Perhaps it is I that needs to see past the "were". Most days I can accomplish that.....but some days...weeeelllll......

That probably made no sense at all did it? Good grief! How down-in-dirt do I sound today!!! Please ignore Janey. It seems that I am on the pity pot!! Quick! Someone get me some TP! Prefereably the ultra soft variety which is thicker and would be better at muffling my insanity!!!


Dickons

We need our past, we need to understand the reasons, all of them...we need to know that we are not flawed but that there were reasons.

((( Dickons ))) See and that's the thing, that my children would believe that they were flawed. And I have to ask myself wouldn't I feel the same way? Yes I supposed I would.

And no. They weren't flawed. Never.

But you're right. How can they understand that if they can't hear the truth, right? I just need to find a way to tell the truth that would be honest and direct without asking for pity and without bludgeoning people to death with the facts.

Because that's not honesty; that's billegerance. Again, hope I'm making sense.


I am going to think some more on all of this that you've both so kindly provided, Q and Dickons! As always, you guys put things so well.

It's just fear really isn't it? Fear of the unknown and behind that fear of the "what if" when the unknown becomes reality.

You know, I bet if we took our brains and put them in the heads of people who've never had to think about adoption, those people's heads would explode from the shock of it all!!!!

Love you guys much!

[quantum]

Just a quick thought, maybe they have grown up with an understanding of why they were relinquished, maybe they are ok with it, maybe they can find a place for you in their lives as well.

I know it's hard to believe that at times. Goodness knows I KNOW my son is totally in that situation BUT I am STILL waiting for him to freak out and have all these adoption related issues that everyone is always talking about. phew

And Janey, it's also ok to feel sorry for yourself sometimes! Don't forget that too. I've got some extra rolls of toilet paper for you. :-)