[kellyd]

This question is important to me as I have reached our 18 year milestone. We had an all too often open to closed adoption, so I know all of the family's information. I feel I would reach out to give my daughter the option to know me by facebook etc, but she has all of her privacy blockers making her invisible. I don't know what she knows about me, but she has to know about the adoption, as she has a brother the same age (they were pregnant at signing- I didn't know). Social worker has said for the bmom never to seek, that it's the adoptee's choice. She has proven herself untrustworthy over the years. I feel that as I was the rejector (you know what I mean), and my daughter, having a strong two parent family, has no current hole in her world to fill, why would someone choose to risk rejection a second time for someone who's spot has been filled in her life. I wonder, if facebook and myspace is the technological age's version of bumping in to eachother on the street, wouldn't it be more gentle to message with a "just wanted you to know where to find me, when ever you're ready, I'm here"? That would remove the risk of rejection, and allow her to truly choose. Do you need to go through social workers and aparents when the child is 18? Do you wait until after graduation, summer, college, marraige, parenthood? I am registered everywhere, I opened social networking pages- I can be found- she just has to look. I would love to hear from birthparents and adoptees on these issues. Thanks

[imprttuner2]

Howdy,

I'm a 27 yo adoptee. Kinda surprised that no one has replied to this yet. I really wish that I could give you a "right" answer to your question. Is there any time that is really "right"?... probably not. There will always be something going on, other things on your mind, events happening in the world that you could use to push it off. I think the best thing that you could do is think about how you were when you were her age. Could you have handled that kind of a shock at 18. I am in no way trying to discourage you from searching. I believe that every moment in this life is precious and that we should spend each of those moments doing things to improve others and our own lives. If you wait another year, that is a year you will never get back. You sound like a wonderful person and are very considerate, and the great thing about a heart is that there is always room for more love, Even if it seems like every hole in her world is filled.

[BlackSheep]

kellyd-

I am a reunited adoptee and a bmom. I agree with pp, too. As an adoptee, I would have loved nothing more than my bmom contacting me as I have felt the need to know her as long as I can remember. As a bmom, however, I posted in registries and waited. I had no idea where to even start to look, or how. My bdaughter is now 26. With the advent of the internet, things are changing; and, I would agree that Facebook and myspace are certainly avenues to connect that weren't available in the past. Would it hurt? maybe if she wasn't told she was adopted. But, if she knows, then it may be the answer to her prayer for reunion. It is the same gamble whether you make contact first or she contacts you fearing rejection. It takes an immense amount of courage and emotional preparation. Looking back, was I ready for contact at 18? Knowing what I do now, maybe. Since it didn't happen until I was 30, it would be very hard to say.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

[kellyd]

I was starting to think my post must not have made sense or was inappropriate- thank you so much for understanding! I so value the opinion of those who have been on the other side of the fence. I truly agree about every minute past is gone forever. I think, after the maturity necessary to think of a child before myself (meaning, the last thing on earth I wanted to do was not raise my child, it's just that she was too perfect, and I was not near good enough at 16), I would have been able to handle reunion at 18. I'm just not sure my daughter's life has been such that she has needed that level of emotional strength. Actually, I truly hope it hasn't. That said, I know I am ready- I have counted down every single day for 18 years. Her adopted parents changed thier minds about open adoption about the time she was old enough to comprehend, so I don't know what she knows about me. And, I havn't found a direct email address or facebook that I can access. Her brother and sister have pages that are viewable, but hers are all so privacy protected no one can even tell they are there. I can only assume her parents have instructed this probably because of me. I don't know if I should mail a letter to their house- or call- maybe not such a good idea. I'm lost on the how part. I didn't get how both of you reunited. I would love to hear your stories. Sorry to ramble on- as you can tell, I am at that spot where I have all this energy, emotional and otherwise, to direct towards someone who is not there. Thanks again for answering me- it really means a lot. Kelly

[crick]

Kellyd - you might want to cross post this in the Birthparent Support forum. That forum gets a lot more traffic and you will find many more responses and support.

[imprttuner2]

Kellyd... Did you go thru an agency to place in the open adoption? If so you could try to get them to mediate a meeting or deliver a letter directly to her or the a-parents. It may go over a bit better and seem less intrusive.
I wish I had a birthmother that was this passionate about finding me lol. I recieved word in Jan that she was looking for me, and the agency has not been able to get back in contact with her since. They are looking as well... I kinda work for them now. I love my a-parents with all my heart, but I have always had a desire to meet my b-mom and thank her for the selfless gift that she gave my parents and share my life story with her. Best of luck to you and keep us posted

[kellyd]

imprttuner2- you are just the sweetest thing! I have stayed in touch with my agency- updating contact info with every move or email change. Problem is, my best friend has done the same thing, and when her birthdaughter called our social worker to get the info, she lied to her and said her bmom "dissappeared" after the papers were signed. They later met on facebook and we were all shocked at the dishonesty of the woman who was our lifeline to our first borns and first loves. The same could've happened to me for all I know- I've asked the social worker, but she has only trashed the aparents and said they were jealous and posessive and she probably never would hear from my daughter, as her parents would never support it. Can't trust her though- it all is so unprofessional. I didn't realize at 16 that you should never have the same person represent both sides of an adoption! About your bmom- lots of us were sooooo heavily counseled against contacting you kids and messing up your lives- it seems a lot of times the kids have to work way too hard to convince them that a relationship is a good thing for you. I can't help feeling that the delicate dance we all do (not dissimilar to the dating dance), trying to not scare each other off, not being honest and openly communicating our hopes and intentions- what a mess. It's just life right- we are all just trying to keep what's important as a priority, and there is nothing more than family. Circumstances created a larger family for you and I- one that stretches in directions most don't, but if we embrace that instead of fear it I think we would all have a better run on this planet.-- I'll shut up now- I can really ramble (and spell poorly)!

[Jillalan]

I'm glad I happened upon your post. I'm an adoptee and birth parent.

I would write a letter if you have your daughters address. Make it registered so you know when it's received. Maybe signature required - although you won't know if your daughter has actually received it if her aparents don't give it to her.

Tell her you would love contact, whenever she's ready. Include, facebook, phone number, email address - any method of contact that's available to you. Tell her a little about your circumstances. With luck she will have the letter given to her by her aparents.

As for what you've said about your agency, I would NOT bother with them. It's obvious they are NOT in your court.

I would have loved for my bmom to contact me. She didn't, but I have been found by my siblings. She was open to communication (she's deceased now) but felt I should do the searching/contacting?!

I searched and contacted my birth child - it was a closed adoption. Best thing I ever did.

As for facebook. How do you know she's on there if you can't find her? As for the siblings - if you don't hear from your daughter you could always post to them asking to forward a message.

Sorry you've had to wait so long for replies - but now it's coming up I'm sure you'll get many more.

And YES post in the b-mom section, much more likely to get response.

I sincerely hope that you are able to get in touch.

[kellyd]

Hi Jillalan- You obviously are an extremely strong person! Thank you for great ideas- though I am hesitant to mail anything to the family home as her parents made it perfectly clear after I signed that our agreement changed to a "don't write us, we'll write you" situation- typical bait and switch. I knew about her facebook page, because a friend "befriended" her brother, and she let me see his news feed which had messages from my daughter to him on it. Sneaky, I know. But I guess trying to keep an angel eye over those we love sometimes is. I did find some pictures online that show her wearing a college t-shirt, so I'm pretty sure I know where she will go to school. Maybe I will wait to mail it there?

[BlackSheep]

kellyd-

I didn't see where you said the state your daughter was adopted in. I was born and adopted in Colorado. There is a CI program here as well as registry through the state that will contact if there is a match. The internet was not an option at the time I searched as it was still in its infancy. I used the CI program, the only program that I knew was available. I would have tried on my own if my aparents would let me have all the paperwork they had. I guess that didn't cross either of our minds as I still don't have the paperwork from them, but I did know my mother's maiden name and it was not a common one.

Having a third party make initial contact has been what I have found be the best way, less pressure on my bparents since they didn't feel like I "ambushed" them and when their first reaction was no (my bdad's) they didn't feel that they were rejecting me all over again.

I did find bmom first and paid big bucks to do so. It is more expensive now than then. I got my bdad's name, most likely location for contact and his job. It took me almost 15 years to feel the need to make contact but had debated it for many prior to that. The internet was my source of tracking him down. I did not, however, make first contact. I had a phone number, cross checked it with several web sites to verify that he would be the right age, etc. My DH found it and called when I was at work. Yes, his first reaction was the knee-jerk no, I don't want to talk to her. DH yes, OK, but you need to know....then he changed his mind. We have been getting to know each other since last Nov. My relationship with bmom changed for the better after that. We now have a more mother-daughter relationship than we ever did before. I can see that there are bitter feelings on both bmom's and bdad's part about each other, but, I don't know, maybe I'm helping them to see that there was something good to come out of a relationship that obviously effected both of them deeply. I live just about halfway between the two of them, bdad is in OH and bmom is in CA.

For myself, I would go through a third party to make initial contact. Someone that you trust very deeply and will "plead your case", if you will should aparents run interference. Aparents won't feel so intimidated if it is not you directly, but your advocate. Just my opinion....

I wish you all the luck and blessings in the world.