[Janeytwo]

Hey all,

It has been almost one year now since a little metal clock sent me on a search; a search leading to this sacred place and the beginning of my journey down the adoption road.

Some would say that journey actually started 31 years ago but not really....not really. Three decades back, I picked up a pen and signed my name. Then for all intents and purposes my life entered a state of suspended amination; even the hands on that little clock stopped going around. All the decisions I would make in the years since; all the fear, mistrust and pain I would silently bear culiminated in two one-hour periods inside of a courthouse. Everything after those dismal hours....everything until I entered this place a year ago.......all of it was me living breath to breath, my time strung out on a wire, the points seemingly unconnected to what I had lost.

Now in this short year, I have learned a thing or two.

Some of that learning has been good.

I have come to understand - if only a little - what it is to be an adoptee. I had no idea - not an incling - not a clue of what they wrestle with day in, day out. I believed the lie you see. The "they will be fine and wonderful and they'll never need to know you". It disturbs me to realize how easily I believed that. It was almost as if I clung to those words like a man hanging on the side of a building, clutching for dear life at the bricks in order not to fall. I can tell you it is a powerful moment to admit how desparately we can believe anything in order to live with ourselves.

I have learned that it is all right to be human and that, really, I had no other choice anyway. I am human and so it is that I will have my share of grief. But this time....this time....instead of traveling alone on a City bus to nowhere, this time I have people who are riding the bus with me. People from 3 sides of a very strange triangle that moves and bends with the day and with the feelings, hopes and fears of those it encompasses.

I have watched the sad journey of others inside this pointed geometry, listened to their words of frustration and pain, borne witness to their struggles to understand themselves and those around them. And I have been humbled by that.



Some of what I've learned though, some of it has not been so great.

I was shocked to come up from the basement only to discover that a war of sorts was raging. That battle lines had been drawn over something called Open Adoption. I had never heard of such a thing and I found myself ignorant and without ammo by way of informed argument. Still, I felt myself being pushed and tugged to choose a side in a fight I had no business being in in the first place, and one for which I had no answers outside of empathy for both parties. I am from a time of "forget and move on" and have felt aged and voiceless in this war. I will be honest in that I wasn't prepared for the bitterness I'd experience after finally opening the door only to walk into a room of souls deaf from their own shouting and unable to hear. It has been defeating on a number of levels.

I was upset to come up from my basement and learn that women like me have become a symbol to some; a symbol of abusive parents who lose their children through the State. Nothing could've prepared me for that. Absolutely nothing.

Yes, I've been labeled; whore, tramp..... you name it .... I've heard it all before and I've learned to live with it. Sometimes people simply cannot comprehend either because they haven't been there or because they dont' want to go. That's all right. I've done my share of judging.

Still, I cannot fathom how a person who makes a conscious and considered decision to relinquish can be compared with someone who starves or beats their child. I have tried to come to terms with this problem, meditated on it, spoken with other women here from all points on the line, but I cannot find a way to understand. Because, for me, there isn't a way and so I cannot make peace with it. I suppose that is where it will have to lie.


But here, as I sit at my desk, typing my thoughts out to other souls in cyberland? I can say with deep sorrow that I'm unsure if anything I've experienced in this year is important. Because the one thing I haven't learned is what my children's names are now. What became of them. Whom they've loved. Whom they've lost. Where the road has taken them.

Perhaps it is that I will never know and that is another truth I must accept.

[paigeturner]

Janey,

This piece, like so many you write, leaves me speechless, teary-eyed and awestruck. You write:

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

But here, as I sit at my desk, typing my thoughts out to other souls in cyberland? I can say with deep sorrow that I'm unsure if anything I've experienced in this year is important. Because the one thing I haven't learned is what my children's names are now. What became of them. Whom they've loved. Whom they've lost. Where the road has taken them.

Perhaps it is that I will never know and that is another truth I must accept.

I can only say one thing…while you haven’t found the answers you’ve searched for, your time in cyberland has been incredibly important. You’ve brought amazing insight to me and others. The courageous words you tap out on your keyboard are very important. They open eyes. They change viewpoints. They bring understanding and compassion.

I decided a long time ago that some people like to hold their prejudices tight. “They” seem to cling to the idea and the labels attached to them, that those of us who relinquished are tramps, whores, druggies, alcoholics, scammers, liars and trash. Why do “they” want to believe this? I ask myself this a lot. All I can come up with is that we did the unimaginable. We “gave up” our children. We broke the motherhood code. We must be substandard and broken. Those people aren’t worth my effort.

Instead, I try – as you know many times unsuccessfully as I can’t resist the fray - to focus my attention to those that have something real and tangible to teach me; people like you and like the wonderful adult adoptees and adoptive parents that are here, among the others.

I too, haven’t achieved what I originally thought I came here for. I’m still left wondering and worrying. But, I’ve gained great insight and knowledge and in many ways I’m glad that I didn’t suddenly “find” him those first couple of years I was searching. I’m better prepared today.

He turned 26 yesterday; perhaps this is the year I find out the paths his life has taken.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Paige!

Instead, I try ..........to focus my attention to those that have something real and tangible to teach me; people like .......the wonderful adult adoptees and adoptive parents that are here, among the others.

((( Paige ))) You forgot to include you in that bud! And you are so right. There are some incredible souls in here. You know....sometimes....I look around at my everyday life and the people in it and I remark on how they have no idea what it takes to come here and learn. Not the sharing so much....that's the easy part - to me at any rate. But the learning? Thats a toughie! LOL!

I had no idea how knee-jerk my own reactions could be. How programmed my insular basement-of-a-life had made me. Like the other day I was reading a post from someone in here and I got all out there on my self-righteous limb and then I had to stop and to say to myself, "No dumba** read it again because that's not what she's saying!" And then I looked at it twice and went "Oh! Oh yeah! I see her point!"

Learning how to hear. Always harder than learning how to speak.

He turned 26 yesterday; perhaps this is the year I find out the paths his life has taken

((( Paige ))) That would be a prayer answered. Perhaps one day my friend we will be able to call each other and say "Guess what?!" Such a thing that would be, would it not?



It's funny you know, here is a truth I've never admitted on here but always in the back of my mind....my next thought.....it's always for their parents - especially their mom. I worry that in my kids finding me, she will be hurt and afraid. Sigh....the last thing I want.

Jackie often said that the sign should read "Caution: Here there be Dragons".

But I think it should read, "Caution: Here there be shadows".

Hugs to you my dear friend! It is good to hear from you!

[sstuart]

I agree it is the shadows. When I have spoken to my DD's mother (who is so very nice) she admitted to me that when DD got the letter from me she was "a little put of that you would interfer in our lives"

Because of this site I felt much more prepared and I think I made less mistakes than I would have had I never found it.

Janey,
I love to read your words of wisdom. You and Jackie always can put into words for me what I often feel. Thank You!
Your time to meet your kids will come. There is a bigger plan than us.

[Dickons]

Hi Janey,

Your words are so incredibly vivid and so pertinent. The part of learning to listen is a major goal every human being should strive to incorporate into their conscious soul. To stop and hear and mull on what is said, instead of thinking of what to say back instead of listening to the message. People choose to be right and feel superior over choosing to expand and empathize, if everyone choose to be conscious and open to what others feel and say, we collectively could find a solution to make this world the best world in the universe.

I find myself frustrated over and over again in this 'strange triangle' and decide to 'give up' and 'go away' but that isn't the right way...to not speak up and tell my feelings so others may hear just a bit about what some may feel on the other side...and those that are able and willing to hear, hear and take what is valid to their situation and store away what isn't, just in case it is needed in their lives in the future.

We all need to consciously choose to validate and listen to the other sides we do not understand, so that together we can grow and make life better for all.

You are a jewel, thanks for being my friend.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[austin0i]

Janey,

As an adoptee in reunion, I want you to know your words have mattered to me.

I deal with a very closed off biomom and many times I've been hurt by her words to my very core. I have found empathy and patience in YOUR words, for her.

What you say matters and I, as an adoptee, appreciate all your expressions, and revelations. They have all mattered and made a big difference for this adoptee.

Thanks Janey

Kim

[cetalley]

Janey, I am sad , for you like I may never know. It would seem such a small thing to hope for...a name! It will soon be a year for me too, like you, I too, have learned so much. I have never learned as much from anyone in my life...like I have indeed gained from an innocent person, whom was relinquished. I refuse to 'label' them as 'adoptees", I just do, they desrve NO labeling, for in my thoughts, this label is what starts them into a world of difference. My journey was not what I had hoped for, alas, I too wanted to know a name, but more so learn if they had indeed been placed together, were safe, happy and alive. In my journey, all my questions have answers, with exception, they have no face, and no name. I have come to believe, I do not deserve this knowledge, for it is a path I chose, regardless of being forced or not, I chose that road. Janey do not give into excepting, for your path, may be a happier one, with flowers, and green grass, and who knows maybe even a rainbow in the end. I do not regret finding them(so to speak), I regret what and how their parents went about seeking, and possessing their children, (my twins). I could have done without finding this out. Please keep climbing your mountain, and with you I will try to continue to learn from so many wonderful people in this nightmare we call a triad. Blessings to you Janey, and happy one year..(almost), I am honored to have learned from you...C.J.

[mommytoEli]

as an adoptive mom to 4 from foster care, and to 1 from an equally closed international adoption, i admit i didn't know much about the third side of the triad until coming here. i appreciate your post, and other mothers who post here, because i have learned SO much from you all. i'll go beyond what you said, and say i have even learned that you can not even lump all mothers who have lost their children through social services together. everyone is an individual with their own story. and i would have never learned that if it weren't for first moms who posted here. so thank you.

[crick]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Still, I cannot fathom how a person who makes a conscious and considered decision to relinquish can be compared with someone who starves or beats their child. I have tried to come to terms with this problem, meditated on it, spoken with other women here from all points on the line, but I cannot find a way to understand. Because, for me, there isn't a way and so I cannot make peace with it. I suppose that is where it will have to lie.

Do not EVER come to terms with this Janey. Do not ever make peace with it or let it lie. Just like the ones that continually told you and other firstmoms over the decades that your child would never need to know about you, they told their parents other lies. We have to keep educating and fighting this stereotype and your voice is important in that. I'm horrified when I hear people say things to compare my kids' other mom to true firstmoms. Yet, I too was guilty of some of these thoughts when I first came here. Sounds so lame to say "I didn't know any better", but that's the truth. I had this idea of "even if they didn't abuse their kids, they must not have really wanted them."

I met Brandy, Michelle, Paige, Anne, Jenna, and so many more over the years that showed me differently. Now I know you, Kathy, Belle, and others too. (I know I'm forgetting so many names) If it weren't for all of you sharing and yes, fighting to be heard too, I would be one that never learned to appreciate all the differences. So no...don't you dare let it lie.

[Rainbow mom]

Janey,

I just wanted you to know that there are parents who do not judge their childrens firstmoms that reliquished through DSS. Who am I but the person there when these children needed a home. The choice to place must have been sufficating.

Two of my kids where severly abused and even with them I always felt empathy for the first families. Wondering what their first moms had been through to make them have caused some poor choices to be made. Wondering if everything possible had been done to help the first parents become sucessful parents.

On the days my children came home I can assure you there was a broken piece of my heart wondering how their first moms must feel that day. How painful thier soul must feel. ((( Janey and all Firstmoms)))

[Janeytwo]

Hey everyone!

Wow! As always, you guys lift up my soul!


SStuart -

Your time to meet your kids will come. There is a bigger plan than us.

I love this that you said! :-) There is a bigger plan.....I like that. It brings some center to all of this and you're so right. There is a time for everything. Thanks, Stacy!


Dickons -

I find myself frustrated over and over again in this 'strange triangle' and decide to 'give up' and 'go away' but that isn't the right way...to not speak up and tell my feelings so others may hear

Oh, I have done this! Eeekkk!!! But luckily for me, this place is like an addiction or something! LOL!! I can't stay away and I've come to understand that it's because it's so very important and so healing. Even though there have been days when I've thrown up my hands and said, "That's it! I'm done!" And of course I've embarrassed myself once by announcing that to friends in here. Good grief!! Ah well....my friends are good folk who just sit back wisely and quietly saying, "she'll be back!" (You guys know who you are!)

For me it was just that I'd bottled it up for so many years....so many. Finally, I just couldn't contain it all anymore. Maybe that's what happens to the rest of us? Maybe we come running in here from whatever point we happen to reside on in this triad....we come running in screaming "Somebody! Anybody! I've got something to say!! Help!!!"

Maybe then it's just so overwhelming that we can't hear. Thank goodness the "wise ones" are in here with us. Those that've traversed the highway, fallen into the potholes and drug themselves back out. And they're wise enough to know that we have to fall into the potholes too and that their job is to stand on the other side with their hand out waiting to pull us up.

All of you have certainly been that to little ol' Janey here!


Kim Thank you sweetie! Thank you so much! I needed to hear that today!

Cetally

I am honored to have learned from you

Nah! Actually it's the other way around bud. You see I had my own prejudice against us birthmothers. Hard thing to admit. But I had this line going in my head that we all made the choice to relinquish and we'd better darn well have the nads to fess up to that. It took almost a year for me to learn that there are bmoms like you out there who were truly taken advantage of.

I will remain forever sorry for misjudging you and some others in here. I think I did this due to a tendency to fear having compassion for others because then I'll have to have it for myself and then I'm a loser. Sigh...that's the rules I was raised by. Kick your own butt so that no one else can get the jump on you.

If it were not for your story, I wouldn't know that about myself. I felt it was important for you to hear me say that too. When someone is wrong they ought to at least have the guts to admit it and I was wrong about you. So sorry my friend.

MommytoEli

i admit i didn't know much about the third side of the triad until coming here.

First I wanted to say hi! I'm not sure if we've ever e-spoken before but thank you for responding to my post. :-)

And you know, it's okay. How can any of us understand what we haven't experienced, right? I've said before in here that foster parents have a tough road because I think they get judged more than anyone else. The media has given them a bad rep IMO. :-(

And I've learned from reading Crick's posts and from Kathy and Raven what kind of things foster parents see that color the way they see us.

So much to undo and I'm glad we can all try to undo it together!

Crick

Yet, I too was guilty of some of these thoughts when I first came here. Sounds so lame to say "I didn't know any better", but that's the truth. I had this idea of "even if they didn't abuse their kids, they must not have really wanted them."

I would never think of you as lame, Crick. Not in a million years!! Strong, confident, true-of-heart....yes. Lame? Nuh uh.

And you know, I can see how people might jump to the conclusion that we didn't want our children because as Paige said further up this thread, we're seen as "giving up" our children. That term "giving up" brings so many wrong connotations with it.

I am remembering almost a year ago reading a post by Michelle in which she talked about how much she hated that term "giving up". And I can remember being upset by that because I used that term "giving up". I thought, "What does she mean? What is she saying?"

Now I finally understand what she was talking about. So how can I judge you or anyone else for not understanding what I myself didn't know?

You're right. We didn't know any better. And maybe those agency folk...maybe they didn't either. The learning curve on this one sometimes drops off the known map doesn't it?

Rainbow Mom

On the days my children came home I can assure you there was a broken piece of my heart wondering how their first moms must feel that day. How painful thier soul must feel.

Thanks for responding to my thread and for the kind words you offer. I was worried that I might upset some of the foster parents which wasn't at all my intention.

I have a dear friend in here who is an aparent and we meet for lunch once a month. There is always this little stab of pain in my heart for her because of what she has to negotiate simply in order to keep peace for her children, for her husband and most importantly for herself. And then the echo of the pain behind that for her kids' bmoms. We talk of these things and of the dear friends we have in here. And sometimes we talk of the people we'd like to throttle in here! I'm sure the feeling is mutual!

When I drive home from lunch with her, I remark on how we are all sort of like a baklava. Lots of layers. Layers of hope, layers of sorrow, layers of truth, layers of anger, and the love we have for our children holding it all together like the honey on that wonderful dessert.

Next time I go to Greektown, I am going to have a slice of baklava in honor of us all!

Love you guys more than words can say!