[Janeytwo]

Some months back a dear person I reached out to told me something that hadn't occured to me in my long years of blindness and solitude.

I suppose I had sensed it on some numb, distant level but not consciously.

Lately however I have come to grips with a sorrowful truth. That I was not the only one living in my basement; my eldest daughter was in there with me. :-(

The two of us - she and I - were surviving in the powerful silence that existed between the breaths we took; between the moments we experienced before a little metal clock began to free us both.

How many years did I spend trying to put to rest the grief and hard times my eldest child and I had witnessed? We would sit across the table at dinner, speaking of the fear of the street; the power of starvation; her biodad's abandonment of her; the long winter of her stepdad's alcoholism. Such talks we had, holding each other, crying.

Yet not one word about her biggest loss; the loss of her siblings. That pain went unmentioned.

It must've been in my eyes though; the terrible sorrow. She must've seen it there; must've known that I was locked in a vault of shame and regret. And in her compassion for me her mother, my eldest daughter locked herself in with me. The silence claimed her for its own just as it had claimed me.

But in the past few weeks, we've had small talks....little tiny sentences about what happened on the forum...who said what...what I've learned. No big issue talks, just ideas mentioned in passing.

Then yesterday, my daughter looked at me and said, "Ya know mom. I've always wanted to meet 'A' and 'R'. I've always wanted to do that."

I told her that I was truly sorry that the choices I'd made in my life had caused her to have to endure such hardship in hers. That I hoped one day she could forgived me. She told me she already had.

My eldest "S" is finally returning....finally. And while I wait for the blessed "one day" when my children might want to say hello....while I wait for that..... "S" and I begin to heal from the hardest thing we ever faced.

[dklevy]

That was so powerfully written. I feel for you two. My daughter tells me often how she wants to meet her sister someday. She was so afraid for so long that I would "give her away too". It's so hard to help them when we hurt so badly. Sounds like your daughter knows you love her and loves you back no matter what. Hang in there!

[-maggie]

Oh Janey, I really feel for you and your daughter. The only thing that is more painful is seeing our children suffering. I know it is hard on our children to open up when they know how much it hurts us. One day, hopefully soon, you will all be able to see each other again. My prayers are with you!

Hugs to ya Janey!!!

[quantum]

((((Janey))))

You know, I never had really thought about how or when I would tell my girls about their brother. I was so lucky that I found him when they were 2 and 4, it just made sense then to come out of the bmom closet and talk about him, so now they are growing up knowing him.

What you said here just breaks my heart.

[Janeytwo]

Thanks so much guys for your replies!

Honest to God, everytime I think that, "Okay, I've finally got a handle on this doo-doo!"....everytime I think that? God steps in to remind me I'm not even halfway there in learning the truth of how full of forks and bends this adoption road has been.

Geez! What a ride! There's another patch of ice up ahead. I can see the sucker coming, ya know?

And I'm like all up in my head hoping that this patch isn't covering up a pool of grief the depths of Lake Superior!!



How could I not have known that I'd owe my eldest daughter an apology too? I mean, I know what I owe my son and daughter (at least I think I know) but what the heck was I telling myself?!!!!

I hate the silence and I feel it laughing at me.....it's big blobby ethereal self peeking out from behind the dumpster at the end of the alley.

"Ha ha ha, Janey. Ya white-trash loser!! You thought that coming here and talking about things would solve it? Ha ha ha!! Got ya again!!"


I want this stuff to be settled! Now!!

Sigh...........

But that is about me and my shame. It's not about my children and their right to heard.

Dear Silent Blob,

I know I'm coming back to you one day
Coming back to the concrete
I've always known it
But not yet, not yet...
You're just going to have to sit there in the refuse and wait!