[keds]

Sorry, but I am having a hard time with boundaries and when to contact (he says "let me know when you're in town and I'll make time") but when do I have the right to be "angry". How do I express that anger to my bson? "You said you would call or be at a certain place at a certain time and didn't show up!" With my other children we are quite open with our emotions, if one of us ticks the other off we say so, without worrying what the other's reaction will be, or a negative outcome. With bson, we're all walking on eggshells. We're afraid if we say what we truly feel he will turn heel and run. A possibility, or not, we are afraid to take the chance. How do you get over this? The comfort level of growing up, warts and all, allows us to vent and be immature and needy but with bson, and, I suppose, conversely a bmom/bdad/bsibling, it is so hard. Any suggestions would be very welcome. Thanks!

[RavenSong]

Kate, I wish I had the answer for you on this one. But to tell you the truth, I still have a lot of trouble dealing with anger towards my son, even though we were reunited 18 years ago. I've gotten much better over the years at showing him my emotions, but it was really hard in the beginning.

As you know, I had to deal with my son's drug addiction in the beginning. And there were many times he was blatantly disrespectful, even obnoxious. I never put up with his bad behavior, but for the life of me, I can't remember if I ever dared show him that I was angry. I remember being stern with him, but I don't know if I ever showed him my actual anger.

I know what you mean about walking on eggshells. I still do to some degree, but nowhere like I did in the beginning. If your son is not showing up at agreed-upon meeting times, you need to let him know you don't appreciate it. He could be testing you... You wouldn't put up with this type of behavior with your other children...don't put up with it with this one.

One really fascinating thing I found out early in our reunion is that my son temporarily regressed both emotionally and behaviorally. It was like we had to go thru the Terrible Two's, the Precocious Four's, the Rebellious Teen's, etc. He tested my limits, and I had to call him out on some of his behavior.

Go with your gut instincts, and try not to be afraid of jeopardizing anything. He needs to know that you are a human being, worthy of respect. If you show him only your "good" side, you'll come across as superficial. And if you let him walk all over you, he'll lose respect. I hope that makes sense...

[quantum]

I don't Kate! I know what you mean about walking on eggshells, BUT I guess I would tell him.
'I was really upset that you didn't show up as we'd agreed' and so on.
He needs to understand that you're human! That you have feelings and so on.

((((kate))))

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by keds

Sorry, but I am having a hard time with boundaries and when to contact (he says "let me know when you're in town and I'll make time") but when do I have the right to be "angry". How do I express that anger to my bson? "You said you would call or be at a certain place at a certain time and didn't show up!" With my other children we are quite open with our emotions, if one of us ticks the other off we say so, without worrying what the other's reaction will be, or a negative outcome. With bson, we're all walking on eggshells. We're afraid if we say what we truly feel he will turn heel and run. A possibility, or not, we are afraid to take the chance. How do you get over this? The comfort level of growing up, warts and all, allows us to vent and be immature and needy but with bson, and, I suppose, conversely a bmom/bdad/bsibling, it is so hard. Any suggestions would be very welcome. Thanks!

I'm just wondering... what is it that you DO do? And, what is the level of anger we are talking about? I think many people in general have not been taught or shown how to express themselves in a manner which will be received and accepted.

I personally do not react well when people start "emoting" on me and raising their voices, but I am an approachable person. My motto: "The louder you talk, the less I hear." If I have disappointed someone, they need to let me know -- without yelling or crying.

If someone says they are going to meet me at a certain time and at a certain place, and then they don't show up, I have several choices: I can stay and wait, but I need to decide just how long I am willing to wait. I can call them, or text message them. I can choose to leave, and not follow up with them, or I can choose to leave and follow up with them via email after a certain period of time.

If I call, or text or email, I can decide what my "tone" is going to be. How I decide that depends on what I wish to accomplish with the communication. Do I just want to vent, or do I want to solve a problem? If I want to solve a problem, then I need to get a point across in a manner in which it will be accepted and an agreement can be made on how to avoid future problems.

I think the thing is, many of us actually do know how to communicate effectively, but for "some" reason we do not feel we are entitled to be respected, and therefore become fearful... thus the eggshells. What is it that prevents us from communicating our needs?

Leaving a message for someone who is late: cell phones & voice mail are great...

VM: "Son, I am here waiting at the cafe on 2nd & 54th. It is 2:15 pm. We agreed to meet at 2:00 pm. I will wait for another 5 minutes. If I do not hear from you, I will be leaving. If you do not make it, please call me as soon as possible so that I know you are alright."

Actual phone call that is actually picked up: "Hey! I'm at the cafe, are you on your way? Oh? You forgot? Oh, dear, that's too bad, I was really looking forward to seeing you. I'll give you a reminder call next time before heading on down to meet you. Would that help? And, perhaps next time you could choose the time and place so it might be more convenient."

Texting: "I am here. Where R U? 5 more min & I am gone. C U next time. Pls call if U R not going 2 B on time. Thx."

Email: "Wow... I waited for you for 20 minutes beyond our agreed upon time. I hope you are okay. I'd like to see you next time I'm in town, but please call if you are going to be delayed. Worrying makes me older beyond my years. Thanks for understanding. Sorry we weren't able to visit, but I did find someone nice to give your ringside tickets to. They said to tell you thanks. Keep in touch. xoxox"

But, why the anger? I mean, really... why the anger? Are you sure the anger you are feeling isn't somehow being redirected back at yourself? Possibly for not feeling "worthy" enough? It's definitely a hard one to get out of our heads... that we are worthy, that we are lovable, and that it is okay to set boundaries when agreements are not being kept.

This may sound corny, but I've found a lot of nice ways to get my point across by perusing etiquette books. You want to get your point across, and do it in a loving manner, and allowing the other person to save face. Miss Manners is great. But, I also think we "forget" how to communicate effectively when we are beset by emotions stemming from fear and insecurity. Speak your needs clearly, concisely, and most importantly, out of love, and out of love for yourself as well.

Sorry such a long post... it's late and I have the flu. I hope this makes sense when I re-read it tomorrow. Sorry you're having a hard time, Kate. It's not easy, I know. I keep having the feeling, though, that the person you are angry with is you, not your son. I can relate. I gained freedom from that by doing inner child work. When I quit beating up my 18 year old inner child, my life began to change dramatically. It hasn't stopped getting better, either.

Peace,
Susan

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

But, why the anger? I mean, really... why the anger? Are you sure the anger you are feeling isn't somehow being redirected back at yourself? Possibly for not feeling "worthy" enough? It's definitely a hard one to get out of our heads... that we are worthy, that we are lovable, and that it is okay to set boundaries when agreements are not being kept.

I would be angry at anyone who stood me up. I don't think it goes any deeper than that. Not being able to communicate that is the difficulty.

[keds]

Susan, thanks for the link, I'll look into it. Also, I do hope you feel better soon, nothing worse than the flu. I usually choose my words very carefully and re-read all my e-mails to make sure that I am "neutral". I never reprimand or scold, any of my children as I don't see the point in making them feel badly about themselves. I do have anger issues with myself but I can separate it from the anger towards my bson. Honestly, I'm not sure I should use the word anger, maybe disappointed? Maybe it's the feeling that he seems to be having a relatively easy time with the reunion and I'm struggling - of course, that's coming from my perspective!

Raven, he has seen the "bad side" of me, just not directed at him. I can be very opinionated and in our numerous discussions I've made my position quite clear and we've had some heated debates when he takes the opposing view.

Quantum, thanks, I think the next time I see him (likely sometime in April or May) we'll have a long talk.

Brenda - that's the real point isn't it? If it was anyone else I would have made a point of saying something!

Thanks for all your responses.