[quantum]

So my m-i-l saw the picture of my bson in my daughters school book (a book they have there and they'd asked for family pictures). I hadn't told her yet. It's just so HARD for me to bring it up! Anyway, perfect opportunity.
I took the cowards way out and asked my dh to explain. He did tonight as she was picking up my older daughter to take her to swimming. I had fallen asleep so had missed the exchange.
I was awake when she dropped my daughter off. She looked at me oddly. Oddly what? I couldn't talk about my son. I think I'm afraid I'll start weeping and don't want to break down in front of her. I don't know what she's thinking. Is she sad because of what I went through? Because I couldn't tell her before? Disappointed?
Now I feel ill. And I STILL CAN'T ASK HER HOW SHE IS TAKING IT.

[keds]

Quantum - Yikes! I can't tell you as I have feathers and a yellow streak down my back - I haven't told m-i-l and don't plan to. If my husband can't even come to terms that bson is back in our lives (YEAH!) then I'm not even going to approach his family. I can tell you years ago when we went to marriage counselling that the Dr. told us that alot of strife in marriage is caused by "cross-family" disputes. Meaning, if there is a problem with my family, I deal with it and if there is a problem with his family, he deals with it. If he's told her and she hasn't mentioned it to you I would likely leave it alone until she says something. Mind you, then you'll always wonder what was going on?! Sorry I can't be more help but I am thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

[browneyes0707]

Gosh, I know I'm no help, lately I'm having a problem talking to people who KNOW about the adoption, forget about those who dont!

But I am thinking of you and sending hugs!!!

[lahdh4]

I have no help or advice but (((HUGS)))

[InBlindFaith]

(((Quantum)))

I told my MIL ages ago. I don't know why I blurted it out to her...I think it was because she made a funny comment about a pregnant teenager.

Keep in mind, you have nothing to fear. You might be a little surprised...she could be supportive.

[SuddenlySusan]

Quantum... you said that you can't bring yourself to ask her how *she* is taking it. The real question is how are *you* taking it? Why not ask your DH how the conversation went. Maybe that will give you some insight as to whether you need to bring up the subject with her, or let her approach you.

Let me just say this, Quantum... you are a woman of worth. You have just fulfilled a life's dream by meeting with your bson. Your children love him. You love him. There is no shame. Hold your head up high, whether you talk to your MIL about it or not. Stand tall, lady. You have more than you had hoped for. Your life is good, your life is whole. Do not fall back into the void -- it is a thing of the past. Stay in the present and stand in your own truth. You are a woman of worth and you have nothing to hide.

Love,
Susan

[Mil]

What kind of relationship do you have with your mil? Is she a nice person? If so, would it hurt if you broke down in front of her? She's a mother, I would think she'd understand your emotion in regard to a child you placed. My inlaws were wonderful about it. They knew before I married my husband that I had a baby that I placed, but I'd never talked to them about it. But when we told them that he had found me, they were very supportive - especially my mil.

Susan is right - stand tall! You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of!

[keds]

Quantum, I love suddenly susan's response as it reminded me of my favourie quote from Eleanor Roosevelt - not the one I recited to myself for years after relinquishment which was: "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" which I do like but rather
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
that's what is getting me through reunion! No disrepect to anyone but the experiences of returning to the same high school after relinquishment and "not letting the *** see they were getting to me was huge, I did walk into school every day and "heard" the comments, got the "special presents" in my locker but my greatest accomplishment was they never realized how much they got to me!

The one quote I tell myself when the "boys" in my family get on my case is "A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." My comment is my "boys" can't stand the heat! Trust me I've spent enough time with the bubbles rising above me!

Take a few moments to think about the worst thing that will happen - will M-I-L think less of you, not likely, feel sorry for you, perhaps, but my guess is she'll respect you and all that matters is what we think about ourselves and from my perspective - you're great! From your posts, you love your husband, children, care for others (anyone that can teach is OK in my book as I don't have the patience) and your post shows you care about how your M-I-L feels - not very many people I know feel the same way!

(((HUGS)))

[quantum]

Thanks you guys! your words of support mean the world to me!
You're right Susan, standing tall is the way to go!

My m-i-l is a very sweet person, she just doesn't like unpleasant things. I suspect she'll feel sorry for me on some level. In any case I have recruited s-i-l to talk to her. She's known for some time (it was hard to tell her but easier for me than m-i-l). sigh

DH says she didn't really react much at all. It could be a Swedish thing, or shock, or not having time to react. I'll keep you all updated!!

[Jackiejdajda]

Maybe not telling the MIL.. is part of the secrecy mode and shame mode.. and the “what have you done?” Mode..

I never told my MIL.. ha.. She and I never got on and I would not have given her the satisfaction of having ‘one up’ on me..
What crazy thinking.. she has been dead for a long time..

It takes a lot of bring it all out in the open.. IMO

Susan.. what you wrote rules..

Jackie

[quantum]

Well my m-i-l called me tonight. She asked how my girls were feeling and then said 'You know I love you. I think you are a fantastic mom. What you said doesn't change this. We can talk about it when you want to.'

Isn't she sweet?

[SuddenlySusan]

Oh, Quantum... I am so happy for you. What a relief... what love... (((BIG HUGS)))

Susan

[keds]

Quantum, I am SOOO happy for you!
((HUGS))

[Mil]

Ya know, mil's get a bad rap sometimes, but they're not all like that! It's obvious that your mil loves you and wants to support you and be happy for you!

Merry Christmas!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

I hope I am a good MIL.. my daughter just called and her new love is adopted..

She tends to fall in love with adoptees.. hmmmmm

We will meet at Christmas.. this fellow is 35 and has never searched..

I am going to do my best to keep my mouth shut about searching etc etc....

Quantum that is wonderful news!


Jackie