[quantum]

So I get an email from my bson's stepmom the other day, she was asking if my parents wanted to come down and visit them. And was encouraging the idea.

Now I understand that she wants everyone to be this gigantic happy family (I appreciate her, I do!), but with all the issues I have with them, and yes, I feel a little jealous that it's more of an option for them to go visit than for me. Well, frankly, this is not something I want to encourage at all.

I wasn't even ready for my bson and my parents to have contact, but a combination of Christmas spirit and my son saying 'Stop protecting me!' I caved and gave them his contact info. I guess they've been exchanging emails, but instead of letting me know what they're talking about (which they'd promised me), I get next to no information.

Sorry for the babble!
Just need some support!

[RavenSong]

I've been where you are, and I know it's no fun. The thing is that your son is going to develop his own relationship with your parents, without your oversight, whether you want it or not.

I hated it when my son met my mother without me. I worried about what she would say and what he would think of me. But then I decided to let go of it. I decided that our relationship was strong enough at that point in our reunion to withstand my mother's input to my son. They're big boys, and they have a right to know their grandparents if that's what they want.

When my mother met her grandson for the first time, I wasn't even invited. They met at my brother's house, and to this day I have no idea what they talked about. It turned out that I really had nothing to worry about ~ my son can't stand her pushiness and manipulative behavior. But I do remember feeling incredibly hurt that I wasn't invited. The weird thing is my mother stopped by my house on her way there to give me some really nice fish from the fish market we went to when I was a kid. Strange....

[kune]

Quantum
Like all reunion issues, ring them and ask what's going on. Only when you know what is true can you really work out what is going on.
Big breathes....take some control so you feel secure.

Ann

[keds]

Quantum,

(((hugs))) like you I am some distance from bson (although I can make the drive in a day) and my parents are 15 minutes away. I'm thankful, he hasn't shown any interest in meeting them, yet. He's still working on bdad (hubby) and his 2 sisters. I too have concerns but I am more optimistic given Raven's comments. I'm hopeful my bson will make his own mind up about the others but it is nerve wracking as I worry about what they will say and do - of course, I can't control that! My eldest daughter doesn't even tell me when bson contacts her, I have to ask, and my youngest can't wait to tell me! Different personalities. I agree with Ann - give them a call and ask for an update. Take care.

[Jackiejdajda]

Maybe writing out what your fear is.. writing it here.. may help..

What are your worries..

Jackie

[Patty-cake]

My parents past away when I was still young. Years later when I was reunited with my daughter she stated that she was sorry that she did not get a chance to meet them. At the time I thought to myself " Honey they didn't deserve to meet you".

Time has passed since then and I have given the matter a lot of thought. Perhaps it would have been a good thing. I realise now that they, particulary my otherwise kind daddy had issues of their own that caused them to withold help from me. Mother always wanted a red-headed grandchild. It would have made them face what we all missed out on - something I always knew. It would have been hard for them and it might have been harder with me present. This is just a thought- I won't know until we all meet in eternity. -Patty

[quantum]

My dad always wanted a grandson, my birthson is his only one.

Worries, that's a good question. I think it's more about anger for me though. I feel like the 22 years of silence, of me not being allowed to talk about it, are being pushed under the carpet.
I'm angry that I told them I found him, they seemed happy and then didn't mention it again even though I was visiting them at the time.

I'm angry that they made decisions like I wasn't allowed to get therapy or enter a support group at the time and that they kept at least one letter from the birthfather from me all in the name of 'not hurting me' when they have never asked me what my pain has been.

So the fact that due to their physical location and financial position that they could get to know my son more often and better than I am able makes me sad.

I wanted an open adoption but they encouraged me to use a doctor who believed in the closed, move on, forget about it way.

I think it's going to take some time before I'm not angry any more!

[paigeturner]

I understand your anger. 25 years ago, prior to my courtdate, after my mother had "sent" me away, she begged me to see my son. I refused. I didn't feel that she had the right, since she refused to offer to help me if I kept him. Adoption was the only option presented to me.

I found out later that while I was denied one last goodbye, LDS Family Services secretly let her spend 2 hours with him...more than double the time I got with him total. I don't know if I can ever forgive it.

When my daughters and I started our search 2 years ago her comment was, "why hurt his parents?" I just want to know that he's ok. My girls would like to get to know their half brother.

If we're ever successful, I'm sure Mom will be right in the mix...I'll have a hard time keeping the simmering anger buried.

[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

My dad always wanted a grandson, my birthson is his only one.

And now he is going to do the thing of being a grandfather..

Worries, that's a good question. I think it's more about anger for me though. I feel like the 22 years of silence, of me not being allowed to talk about it, are being pushed under the carpet.

Anger points the way..
Anger is not meant to be acted out its meant to be acted upon..

The Artist Way.. Julia Cameron not a direct quote but from memory..

Blowing up and having high blood pressure.. vs.. finding the way to make sure they know that you are angry and that you will not accept what happened.. to you.. on terms of what they did.. with that secrecy keeping crap..

hmmmm

I'm angry that I told them I found him, they seemed happy and then didn't mention it again even though I was visiting them at the time.

My sister did that when I told her I had relinquished bson.. twenty years after the fact..

I'm angry that they made decisions like I wasn't allowed to get therapy or enter a support group at the time and that they kept at least one letter from the birthfather from me all in the name of 'not hurting me' when they have never asked me what my pain has been.

The line I think of is.. They know not what they do.. I know my mom regretted me giving him up.. she started drinking heavy after I gave him up.. ended up locked in her home..

So the fact that due to their physical location and financial position that they could get to know my son more often and better than I am able makes me sad.

I think you should tell them.. Tell them about your anger.. not accuse just tell them how you feel..
And if they decide that what you tell them does not matter then so be it.. protect yourself.. put up boundaries.. till they see how badly they have hurt you..
I do not think I could deal with what you are dealing with..
I think I would go mad.. and act out and yell and scream.. its so unfair..

My bson met my sisters son.. they were born the same year… my sister was legal.. and all was well with her.. and her inlaws were never to know about my son.. they my bson and my sisters son had a dinner and drinks and good talks.. I have never had that with my bson.. never ever was able to get into the nitty gritty of it with him.. probably never will..
I had to let it go when sister told me.. The irony..

I wanted an open adoption but they encouraged me to use a doctor who believed in the closed, move on, forget about it way.

More fool they..

I think it's going to take some time before I'm not angry any more!

Putting up boundaries is to me.. about telling them how you feel and how you were hurt and how you are not willing to be hurt again..
Making sure they know what is wrong with their relationship with you..

I remember a TV show about a man visiting his alcoholic father in the hospital and the father was very abusive to him.. and he took it..
Then I remember John Bradshaw saying on one of his shows.. that we can walk away from this kind of abuse.. its allowed..
We tell them that we are not willing to be spoken to in this manner… with no respect for the very person we are.. and if the father or whoever is still going to say and do things that hurt us.. we walk away.. but we stay connected.. send cards and stuff..

But we tell them.. and we leave.. and if they want to know us.. they know how to do it..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

paigeturner

I found out later that while I was denied one last goodbye, LDS Family Services secretly let her spend 2 hours with him...more than double the time I got with him total. I don't know if I can ever forgive it.

No words.. how terrible..

Have you told her about this? This what you know.

Jackie

[keds]

Quantum, dear friend - I'm in the same situation in that, my bson is the only grandson, parents live 15 minutes from him (not that they know that) and are pestering me for all his info (he hasn't asked about them nor seems too interested. I am very angry with them since I told them (regretting that!) he and I were in contact they are pushing for more, they told my siblings that he was in touch (very angry about that!) and my sister (we aren't close) told me that my parents were very angry that I was holding back!

How are you handling the anger??? I alternate between being angry at them and, I hate to admit, sometimes at my bson for how easy he has said this is all for him (I am so thankful but, at times, that drives me a little crazy!). I haven't spoken with them for a few months now - busy at work and making excuses not to but I'm feeling better about it. Our last conversation was about how I wouldn't keep him from them but I wasn't prepared to give them any information until he wanted me too.

Hang in there, I'm sure that if, and when, my bson meets them he will form his own opinion and relationship and, hopefully, that won't have any affect on ours.

Take care.

keds

[quantum]

How do I deal with the anger? Hmm, I guess I don't talk to them for some time.

I have actually tried a bit to tell them about my anger, my pain as Jackie said. It was a conversation with my mom where she said 'well, we didn't want to re-open any wounds' and I was able to reply 'never speaking of it meant they never got to heal.'
I don't know how much sunk in. I wasn't accusitory. I have told them that I understand that they were just doing the best they could, but that it's hurt and it still hurts to have this silence.

I have to say I got a huge amount of satisfaction after they'd written their first letter to my son and he hadn't answered after a while. That he didn't jump in and start a flurry of communication. He did answer eventually.

The thing about my dad getting the chance to be a grandfather, wtf is wrong that he can't be that for my daughters that I'm raising? Maybe it's not just about my son now that I think about this? There is so much else going on. The last visit we had he out and out told my husband and I that they didnt want to babysit at all (after my mom had been telling me for months about how much she was looking forward to time with the girls and letting dh and I go out on our own). I don't understand it. I guess there's a difference throwing a fully grown male in front of him than two small girls. *Sigh*

I didn't mention here again how one of my mom's first reactions that I'd found my son was 'you haven't told your in-laws, have you? I don't want them to judge me.' (huh? judge HER???)

How do I deal with my anger? Same as always. Bury it. It feels like when I've expressed it to them it either gets denied when I'm told it's not valid for me to feel anger (usually my dad's response) or just plain ignored (my mom's response).

I respect your ideas and opinions everyone!
I do put up with a lot of abuse from my dad, I know after years of experiance there's no point in fighting it. I just try to protect myself the best I can.

[Oceans]

I'm not in reunion (yet) but everything you are saying is striking a cord with me... Especially the anger and how you deal with that when it comes to your son...

How do I deal with my anger? Same as always. Bury it. It feels like when I've expressed it to them it either gets denied when I'm told it's not valid for me to feel anger (usually my dad's response) or just plain ignored (my mom's response).

Yup - said perfectly.

I totally understand how you feel about your parents when it comes to your son. I feel the same way NOW and I'm not even there yet. I think it's because
1) When I placed, I felt I had no control over the experience (or only limited). I do not want to ever feel that loss of control again when it comes to my reunion - Yea... I know, I know, I will not have much control but that is how I feel deeply. and
2) While I love my parents, and there is nothing wrong with them - other than normal parent craziness, I feel that ALL of my family is a reflection of me. If my Mom for instance, pushes too hard, I imagine that will not bode well for me. My Mom has never met a boundry she didn't cross.. So that's a lot of it...

Again, maybe it's a control thing but at the end of the day, I guess I don't trust them enough with this, to encourage an independent relationship.
I would be ticked if they didn’t tell me they were emailing when I had specifically asked them to do so.

So I am of no help, but I certainly understand where you are coming from.

((((hugs)))

[Jackiejdajda]

quantum

How do I deal with my anger? Same as always. Bury it. It feels like when I've expressed it to them it either gets denied when I'm told it's not valid for me to feel anger (usually my dad's response) or just plain ignored (my mom's response).

Then I think all bets are off.. If you are not treated with the respect you deserve then you owe them nothing.. nada..
Why are we the ones that have to sit and churn and be resentful and angry?
If they wonder why they are alone in their old age then let them wonder.. consequences of actions and all that stuff..

My dad was in a great need of my sisters and my love and help at the end of his life.. He learned to keep his mouth shut when the words were trying to spill out when I arrived in the nursing home.. A lesson.. and I forgave him..

But I would not take any of it from him after that.. He had no power over me.. My mom I just avoided as much as I could.. and I did not really show her love before she died..
Accepting that they are wrong.. as wrong as it gets helps..

Oceans wrote

My Mom has never met a boundary she didn't cross..

What a great line..

I had to stop my mom from the verbal abuse.. I had to stop her from calling me up and telling me what was wrong with me.. I hated those phone calls.. But I could not stop her.. I just told her no.. and got the heck out of there as soon as possible..
I do not want my kids to thinking this way about me.. I make sure they do not.. or hope I do..

Jackie