[Blessed2x.]

Hello! I am brand new to these forums. I am hoping members can give me guidance on reuniting with my birth mother. I have been exchanging letters with my birth mother for the last three months through an intermediary. (I was adopted in the late 1960s as an infant in a closed adoption). In my last letter I suggested we meet, but my birth mother did not respond to this suggestion in her return letter. Any ideas for discussing this in my next letter (I very much want to be sensitive to her feelings and situation)?

Also, I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions right now and just don't know what to do with them! I'm even having headaches and am distracted frequently which is not like me. I am normally calm and collected. It's also difficult because there is no one that really understands what I am going through - including me - although I am surrounded by people who love me!

Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated.

[BrandyHagz]

If you are communicating through an intermediary - are you sure that information was passed on?

That'd be my first question/concern.

Can you ask?

[Blessed2x.]

I know my birth mother received my letter that included my suggestion we meet because her reply included very candid answers (which I very much appreciated) to questions I had also included in my letter.

[BrandyHagz]

I guess I meant the specific info about meeting.

It's not uncommon for intermediaries to 'filter' out information that might be considered 'identifying' and meeting face to face would certainly be considered 'identifying'.

[keds]

Blessed, welcome. First, as Brandy says, make sure that it was communicated and second, being a bmom in reunion when my bson asked to meet me I was over the moon and then reality set in - what would he think of me? Was I thin enough, rich enough, successful enough, pretty enough, etc. None of which really matters but it's one thing to communicate via the written word and another to stand face to face no matter how long you hoped and prayed for it to happen. Not saying that is what is true but there are tons of emotions (yours especially) that run through your mind when contemplating meeting in person. She may just need time to process the idea. I can relate to you - I could barely eat, sleep or concentrate at work and this went on for 6 months! The forums are great to release, vent and discuss with others who are feeling the same way. Feel free to PM me anytime.

My only advice with respect to reunion is to be kind to yourself and her and mention it as something that you are really looking forward to when you both are ready. IMO both people have to be in the right frame of mind for reunion to be successful. It's been over a year and my bson and I are still taking it very slow and it's been great. The initial meeting was nerve wracking but we've been honest about everything and I think that's made a huge difference. We meet about once a month now, I'd love it to be more often, as would he but it takes time to build a long lasting relationship. The people here have given me great advice and it has made all the difference.

Take care and keep us posted.

[Jackiejdajda]

In my last letter I suggested we meet, but my birth mother did not respond to this suggestion in her return letter.

It took me a year to come to terms with meeting my bson.. I relinquished in /65.
I was overwhelmed.. He was 35 at the time.
I say take it slow.. As you wrote in your post you are having feelings of being overwhelmed..

When he first contacted me via email I could not speak.. I just sat up all nite staring at the computer screen.. and I walked around as if in a dream for days..
I called him on the phone.. and had to say I can not talk any more.. after a good long discussion.. and I felt guilty about that..

You got lots of time to meet.. You got lots of time to get to know her..

She may have secrets she needs to sort.. she may have issues with her emotions that need to be looked at..

I am very happy for your birthmom and you.. very very happy.. a wonderful day.

Keep a journal.. about all this..

Jackie

[InBlindFaith]

I placed DD in a closed adoption 19 years ago. I am still in contact with the Agency. The Agency knows I am completely open for whatever DD wants. Even though I would LOVE to jump into a face to face reunion a part of me would want to take the reunion at a slower pace. I'd want the slower pace because I don't want to be a mascara running puddle of tears when we meet.

Ask your birthmom what her expectations are right now. Ask her if she prefers to stick with letters at the moment if that helps her process things easier. If possible maybe suggest sending letters directly to one another or use a PO Box so there isn't a third person involved? Ask about sending emails? Then later step it up to Instant Messaging? Then later add phone calls until the both of you are comfortable to finally meet. These are only suggestions. Each Birthmother is different, what works for me may not work for another.

[ox62]

When i meet my bmom we went to dinner with bbrother and bsister(who i meet before). ask her if she would like to go to lunch,dinner(someplace netrual)sorry about the spelling.Just start off slow. just rember she haveing alot of feeling like you are good luck. ox62(mike) p.s. keep your head up.

[Blessed2x.]

Knowing how the mothers have felt in these reunions is very helpful to me! Thanks!

I should have said for everyone earlier that the intermediary program I am using allows for up to 5 letter exchanges and then both parties have to decide if they want direct contact or not. This is part of where my sense of urgency is coming from...I feel like I have to be convincing without being overwhelming (the whole process is!) because time is ticking! AAAHHHH!

[mn125]

Originally Posted by Blessed2x.

I should have said for everyone earlier that the intermediary program I am using allows for up to 5 letter exchanges and then both parties have to decide if they want direct contact or not.


because time is ticking! AAAHHHH!

So its all supposed to be ironed out and a decisions made ---- all in their time frame huh?

rrrrrrrgh

I know when I was in a situation with an intermediary- I begged and pleaded with her to allow ME to share my identity with my Mother - in a one sided exchange.

I did not need to protect my confidentiality and privacy!! My mother SHOULD have had the right to do with the info as she pleased. Burned it- or tucked it away in the flour jar on the top shelf of the pantry- way in back- for a later time, if she so desired.

Nope, its against the law...... I was censored and as much as told- you cant do this on your own without social worker intervention and counseling.

I hate this system with a passion!