[keds]

Hi there, I am so angry at the moment I can barely stand it. Last year, about 6 months after I heard from my bson (after 27 years), I decided to let my mom know that I had been in contact with him. I thought long and hard about it and fought the urge for some time but she hadn't been well and I felt guilty and was afraid she might die without knowing he was ok. At the time, I told her that we were taking things very slowly and it could be a long time before he was ready to meet my husband (his bdad) and our other 2 children, if at all. If we wished to meet any other relatives it would happen at his pace and when he felt he was ready. For now, he, like me, is very content to build on our relationship only and then meet his "sisters". He's never mentioned meeting anyone else outside the four of us.

After spending all summer listening to her complain about how she was keeping a secret from my dad I felt our reunion was going very well and I was going to send a card to them with a note and a picture. She has been calling and e-mailing constantly. She happened to call a few moments ago and in the course of our conversation she informed me that she had already told my dad over a month ago! I've seen the both of them since and they never let on that he knew, even when she asked about my bson she indicated that she had kept my confidence. I am very upset partially because he has early Alzheimer's and tends to make inappropriate statements and I was afraid he might say something at an inopportune time or to others in the family that would require an explanation. I'm not ready for that yet. She said it didn't matter as she had already told everyone else! My brother, sisters, etc.!!! These are the same people that judged me all these years and wanted nothing to do with me or him. I terminated the call before I said anything that I might regret but I am tempted now to basically cut them all out of my life. I can't deal with the emotional roller coaster of reunion and all the baggage involved with dealing with them.

If this affects our reunion with my bson I will never forgive any of them. They are so pushy and it's hard enough keeping it together without the added pressure. The other main problem is that my husband's family has never wanted to know anything about my bson and has made it perfectly clear that this was something that happened in the past and should remain there. My husband hasn't discussed the reunion with anyone, including his best friend who helped him through it all those years ago and I feel it a betrayal to him. I have been doing a balancing act for well over a year and I can hardly respect their wishes if my so-called family is running around blabbing their heads off. I know this doesn't affect just me, our bson, my husband and our daughters but it is our personal business and we want time to integrate our bson into our family.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation would be very much appreciated. At this point, I want to cut off all communication with my family. What is the difference between respecting someone's privacy and "keeping secrets"?! I don't believe that my brother/sisters etc. needed to know about our reunion until my bson was ready. We are not close knit, live 100's of miles apart and speak once a year, if at all. They've pretty much treated me like dirt since he was born and I can't see how this changes anything. I think this is simply a case of a "juicy" bit of gossip that was shared without any thought for those involved.

Help!

[Jackiejdajda]

She said it didn't matter as she had already told everyone else! My brother, sisters, etc.!!! These are the same people that judged me all these years and wanted nothing to do with me or him. I terminated the call before I said anything that I might regret but I am tempted now to basically cut them all out of my life. I can't deal with the emotional roller coaster of reunion and all the baggage involved with dealing with them.

You got the anger about the secret keeping on top of your mom telling everyone..
Double anger..

You can not change what your mom has done.. Can’t be taken back..

I got very angry when I reunited with my bson.. and I think some of my anger came from what I had put away all those years ago..
It all came out at once.. and I think that because I had not dealt with my anger it came out uncontrolled.. it came out beyond strong..

If this affects our reunion with my bson I will never forgive any of them. They are so pushy and it's hard enough keeping it together without the added pressure

Navigating these waters is incredibly difficult..

And if I know one thing.. I can not control it..

The other main problem is that my husband's family has never wanted to know anything about my bson and has made it perfectly clear that this was something that happened in the past and should remain there. My husband hasn't discussed the reunion with anyone, including his best friend who helped him through it all those years ago and I feel it a betrayal to him. I have been doing a balancing act for well over a year and I can hardly respect their wishes if my so-called family is running around blabbing their heads off. I know this doesn't affect just me, our bson, my husband and our daughters but it is our personal business and we want time to integrate our bson into our family.

Sometimes the people in my life make me nuts.. I am so sorry this is happening to you..
It must be awful..

Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation would be very much appreciated. At this point, I want to cut off all communication with my family. What is the difference between respecting someone's privacy and "keeping secrets"?! I don't believe that my brother/sisters etc. needed to know about our reunion until my bson was ready. We are not close knit, live 100's of miles apart and speak once a year, if at all. They've pretty much treated me like dirt since he was born and I can't see how this changes anything. I think this is simply a case of a "juicy" bit of gossip that was shared without any thought for those involved.

Check this out..

From Melody Beattie.. from Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps..

Page 22..


...."I hate that I can't control... I hate being vulnerable and
helpless. I don't like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional
pain. I get sick having to detach and surrender. But the love affair
with this step comes in when I admit the truth.. I am powerless over
much in my life, and when I try to have power where I have none, I get
crazy. I can't control others, no matter how much I want to, no
matter how much better I think I know what's right for them.


I can't control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they
choose to interact with me, whether or when they choose to grow and
change, and whether or when they choose to recover from their
addictions.


Sometimes I can't control myself.


I'm powerless over the backlog of feelings and negative beliefs I've
accumulated. I'm powerless over my own and others people's addictions,
including addictions to alcohol and misery.. I can't control my
children or other people's children.. I'm powerless over results,
life, circumstances, events. I can't control the course of
relationships.. I can't control timing..


God, I wish I could control timing..


But I can't..


..........


When I try to control people, I make them and myself crazy. When I try
to control addictions, the addictions control me. When I try to
control what others think of me, I turn into a puppet on strings.
Controlling makes me and others crazy. It puts me under the control
of whatever I'm trying to influence. I lose myself. I lose touch with
myself.


And other people get angry with me. and tend to back off..


When I try to control situations and circumstances, I set up blocks
to events moving forward.. When I spend time and energy trying to have
power when I have none, I lose my ability to live my own life..




Jackie

[keds]

Thanks Jackie! I think the really aggravating part is that she doesn't seem to care! It's not just about our relationship, it's the relationship between my husband and me, with his family and most importantly with my bson! I know in a few days I will calm down but I haven't been this mad in a long time. I think mostly at myself as I KNEW this was going to happen and yet I guilted myself into telling her anyway! I'm going to reread your post and try and calm down.

thanks again!

[quantum]

((((((keds)))))))

As you well know I have MANY issues with my mom/reunion/how she's dealing with it and me...

I wish i had some advice, but I just wanted to know I FEEL FOR YOU!!!!!!!

By the way, talk to your bson about her and your concerns. I know that I have expressed some things to my birthson and he's been reassuring that he would keep anything from them separate from me, kwim? I found it reassuring...

((((((keds))))))

[TexasPuppy]

So Keds, I feel for you. his is exactly why I have not told my Mom or actually my family about the reunion thing.

I have told to brothers (one I am very close to and we talk alot about everything and the other I had to ask for pictures from long ago and he wanted to know what was going on). Neither brother has told anyone else. I cannot imagine having to deal with family on top of the reunion.

I want a chance to get to know my child (now a very happy and mature adult) without the pressures of having to keep everyone else updated. I mean, my husband and two sons know, of course. But there is no pressure from any of them. They seem to know that this is a very stressful situation and they don't ask for information, they just wait for me to share it. I don't think my family would be tht way.

I am so sorry that your "family" is "pushing" you and your reunion. I am not sure that pushing is the right word but they need to talk and gossip seems to be pushing you into things you just don't want to deal with yet.

I agree with quantum though, talk with your birth son. Let him know what is going on. That way he can be prepared too. By the way does your family know his name and where he is? If not, at least he can be safe from their immediate contact. Next you just have to deal with husband's family. Unfortunately it seems the best approach is to just confront them and let them know what has happened. Then they won't be blindsided when and if others approach them about the situation.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. For me, it would let me know how things might go later.

[Jackiejdajda]

Keds wrote

I think the really aggravating part is that she doesn't seem to care!

It would make me very angry.. that’s for sure.


Jackie

[quantum]

I was thinking about this thing with our moms.
I think one of the things that gets to both of us in regards to them is that our moms seem to turn the adoption/reunion thing into something about THEM. Like your mom feeling she has the right to blab it everywhere. My mom feeling like my telling people will put her in a bad light.

Good golly, I spoke to my mom today and she is convinced that this all happened because she didn't have a big discussion with me about birth control (I wasn't ignorant, just careless).

hmm let's scream...



there, that feels better, doesn't it?

[keds]

Thanks everyone, quantum you and are too much alike! My mom too tried to make it all about her early on but my brother stood up for me (one of the few times). I feel badly as it seems we're going through the whole thing again but in reverse, does that make sense? My only concern with speaking with my in-laws is that my father-in-law has a heart condition and he is to avoid all stress - yikes! I'm not "sharing" any more info with anyone outside my husband and my daughters. If they want to pass it on, they can but I want to focus on my bson and our relationship. As Jackie pointed out - I can only control what I say or do, not others.

TP - No, I haven't told anyone, including my husband and daughters where he lives or his cell #. I gave him theirs so he can call them when and if he wants to do so. I am scared that my mom will pressure my girls to give her more information so I've held back. Great idea - I'll let my bson know what's going on - I just don't want to paint anyone in a bad light but I can see no good coming of them knowing where he is, etc. I'm trying to be very respectful of his privacy and I think that is why are reunion is going so well.

Jackie - I am a bundle of nerves and I can't even think about it I just see red. My birthday is on Friday and I know they'll be calling and get into it with me so I've planned to go away and be "unavailable". That way nobody will say anything that can't be taken back.

Thanks for all your advice. I'm feeling a little bit better today and I honestly don't know what I would do without these forums!

[josh1788smom]

Keds - sorry this is happening. As you know, Quantum, you, and I have way too many parallels in our "reunions/surrender". How crazy is that?!?!?!?!?

The only thing I keep trying to tell myself about parents is - I don't think we, as parents (or our parents) intentionally try to fork our kids all up, but I think we probably all end up doing it to some extent.

Sorry your mom is crazy in this. I've got one too. Last year, when I met Josh, my brother was talking to my mom. She said, "should I send him a birthday card?" She could not understand - I met him - she did not just become a Grandma.

Keep plugging along - and try to resist the urge to choke your mom. I think it may be inane.

[InBlindFaith]

((((Keds))))

I wish I knew what to do. I'm not in reunion yet and I'm sure my family's take on it will be just as crazy.

More BIG ((((HUGS))))

[keds]

Thanks everyone! Your right, she isn't a grandma - he's 27 years old for crying out loud and has a mom, dad, step mom, brother and sister. She is driving my daughters crazy calling them all the time and they grew up with her obsessiveness. I think the best thing to do is relax (ha ha ha) and ignore everything. I'm going to concentrate on my bson and to heck with everyone else! You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family! All the best!

[Jackiejdajda]

Keds wrote.

My birthday is on Friday and I know they'll be calling and get into it with me so I've planned to go away and be "unavailable".

I can remember the first time I said NO to my mom.. It was like jumping off a cliff.. and it was wonderful.

Have a great birthday.. and I say.. there are consequences for actions.. Going against your wishes get consequences..
Being unavailable is a great idea..

Jackie

[quantum]

You can have a birthday like mine keds! Just get back into bed and hide under the covers. I felt much better the next day!

[keds]

Hi thanks for the comments and wishes. I'm flying out tomorrow to meet my bson for dinner tomorrow - best bday gift ever (and probably the only one!). I'm working on an audit all day Friday (UGH!) but I may meet him for a drink afterwards so we'll have to see - perfect end to an otherwise boring day. I'll try and log on tomorrow night or Friday. All the best, and as usual, THANKS!