[quantum]

As most of you know, I'm a bmom in a closed adoption, happily in reunion (well as much as I get!) with major issues surrounding my parents.

Here's the latest...when I was home and told my mom that I had contact with my birthson she said 'oh, his father had sent a letter after the baby was born apologising.' I was in shock. Twenty two years later, this is the first I hear of a letter!
I asked, was it apologising to you or to me? Because of everyone involved in this I feel like it's me deserving the apology! She didn't remember and offered to look around, thinking she'd hung on to it.

So here we are nearly four monthslater. I ask about the letter and get 'Oh, I'll look for it'
So I calmly write back (this has been via email). 'Please please please look for this letter, I think it can help in my healing process.'

I just feel like crying. It's just been so weird!I know it's something about her generation with the 'shame' she feels about me or about herself for not taking on my son. They claim they think it's great I'm in contact with him now. Then they say nothing. When I send a picture or ask directly about him they start talking about 'when can we tell people about him?' and 'when can I brag about him?' BUT THEY STILL DO NOT TALK TO ME.

I had a major heart to heart on the phone with my mom 3 months ago, telling her about my pain and how silence made it harder for me. She's not said anything about that since.

Sorry, needed to vent. Insights, advice ARE WELCOME!

[InBlindFaith]

(((Quantum))) I wish I knew what to say to help make it easier...but I don't. My parents are kind of weird about this too.

Big Huge (((HUGS)))

[keds]

Hi Quantum, I'm so sorry for you - to find out something so important so many years later, yikes! I can't offer any advice, I guess you can't make someone do something but she is your mom so I'm not sure why she wouldn't tear the house apart if she truly knew how important this is to you.

I have the opposite problem in that my mom keeps bugging me about when she can have my son's phone number, full name, address, etc. I am only just in reunion and I want his siblings to establish a good relationship with him before moving outward to the extended family. I'm sure if she was let loose on him now he'd run for the hills.

I wonder if she doesn't speak to you because she feels it would be too hard on you?? My mom used that line on me but I quickly put that to rest. Now I just don't talk to her that often and if she brings up my son I tell her that when things are settled and he is ready to meet her, he will decide. All the best!

[quantum]

Well one of the things we talked about when I had the big telephone call some months ago was why so much silence...
She said 'well we were afraid talking about it would cause more pain' and I said 'not talking about it meant the wound has not healed.'
And still...nothing.
I know I would have ripped the house apart looking for that letter. Now it's two days since I sent that email. Don't you think I could have gotten some update like 'I don't have time to look right now, I will look later this week'? or' it's not in the first few places, I'll try more later'

I just fear she's found it and for some unknown reason won't pass it on. Paranoia, you bet!

[keds]

I'm amazed at how creative my mind is in making me feel inadequate. Is there anyone else that could "look" for you. I was very fortunate this summer as my eldest daughter spent 3 weeks with my parents and asked to go through all the old photos and put them in albums so she found a lot of "stuff" I didn't know about and/or forgot. She is a driving force behind our reunion and one of my biggest supporters - good thing as her dad is quite the opposite!

My parents used the "it will hurt to keep talking about it" line for awhile but I lost it a few months ago and told them that it was definitely harder. Although, I can tell by the expression on people's faces when I am talking "too much" about my bson and our reunion so I have to hold back a bit as well.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and I would call/write and tell her that the letter was meant for me and you may not have been prepared for it back then but you NEED to see it now. All the best! I'm not sure I can get through another week without hearing/speaking to my bson. 26 years of wondering and now I am freaking out over 3 weeks!

[josh1788smom]

Sorry Quantum!!!! I would want the letter too. That little piece of information withheld would annoy the heck out of me. I have told my mother many times about some of her similar actions. Now, when she interjects her opinions into some issue I am having with my kids, I just tell her - this is a family issue; you are entitled to your opinion, but you do not have a say in the end result. I think I take a hard stance because of the secrecy and all that from adoption time. Your mom needs to find that letter. And - if it is to your parents instead of you - the bfather needs chocked. And if it is to you and your parents are only mentioning it 22 years later - I'm a big fan of chockings all the way around (haha).

Parents - mean well and still fork things all up. Hopefully, we don't fail our kids when they need us most!!!

[thanksgivingmom]

Wow Quantum! I can't believe you are finding out about this just now! and so nonchalantly! like, oh and by the way, blue is my new favorite color...

this is your BSON!!

Huge hugs Quantum!

[keds]

Josh's mom - I just came to the same realization as you and have finally told my mom to back off on family issues. My youngest daughter is moving in with my in-laws for her last year of high school and will be living 5 hours from us. My parents are not well enough to handle having a 17 year old live with them and yet my mom keeps telling me I'm making a huge mistake. I told her that she was entitled to her opinion but this what was the right thing to do - not the easy thing. We'll have lots of visits and she is so excited to be in the course she wants and going to the same school as her cousins. My oldest daughter also moved out to go to university so we're back on our own. Big changes but I'm hoping that they realize that their happiness is most important to me. My only concern is if and when I hit the first pullback in my reunion with my bson I am all alone but I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it.

All the best.

[Found at last]

Quantum,

If I mention my daughter to anyone in my family or one of my close friends, they get this look on their face. Like "Oh! can't she move on?"

That is why I'm so glad to have you all to talk to.

Found

[quantum]

It's so weird taht even when I bring it up, people are SO quick to change the subject. I mean hello! I brought it up, would I do that if it was too painful??

Anyway latest update is that mom says she's looked where she should have put it, not there, but she feels she needs to sort through all of her files anyway.
Of course I had to send an email to get this response.
SIGH

It's so hard, I hope she has it! This IS the woman who gave me some japanese BBQ recipie that she'd been saving for something like 40 years!!!!

[Found at last]

That's funny! Quantum

[josh1788smom]

Sending searchdog vibes your mom's way Quantum - maybe it is in the spot where the recipe was. (haha)

[quantum]

Thanks for making me giggle joshsmom!

[josh1788smom]

Hey - without laughter - what do we have???

[keds]

Hi there, I'm having a really rough day today for some reason - maybe because I'm home alone and have too much time with my own thoughts. Anyway, I was thinking about where the letter could be and remembered that my mom once put their wills in the front of one of the encyclopedias. Just a thought. I hope everyone is doing well and it's a good thing I have long fingernails as I'm holding on for dear life. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so **** hard. I suppose it's so we appreciate those few moments when everyone and everything is safe, happy and all is right. Thanks for always being here.