[wonder]

I am new to all this and have so many questions. How do Birth Mothers feel about the prospect of the child they gave up wanting to make contact with them? I was adopted 43 years ago when all adoptions were closed. How would she feel - after all this time if I wanted to make contact with her?

[Mommy24]

Wonder~ We are all unique. I am a First Parent that placed my son for adoption as a newborn in 1990, I look forward to the day that he wants to reunite with me. However, I am only speaking for myself and can't speak for others. Have you ever read the book " The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler, it is about the mothers who relinquished their babies in the era you are from, a very insightful read.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey! ((hugs))

[keds]

Wonder - welcome! I too am a bmom who placed my son 27 years ago. For me, I hoped and prayed he would contact me and his bdad (my husband). I was blessed in that last year he did and we met a few months ago. We are taking it slowly and I guess for us it's been relatively easier because we both want a relationship. I suppose it depends on the reason for the adoption. Yours was in the era of closed adoptions so there's a good chance that the decision to place you for adoption may not have been hers to make.

In my case, neither of us were equipped or ready to be parents and we felt it was best for him that he was placed (selfishly I regret doing it as I have never been quite right since). He has assured me that he's had a great life, he is quite successful, but I sense tremendous sadness. We can't do anything about the past but I hope we can make a great future!

I wish you all the best and if you prepare yourself properly, like Mommy24 suggested there are some great books out there to assist you. Good luck and (((hugs))).

[josh1788smom]

I agree the book Mommy suggested is a great insight into the thoughts and actions of that time period.

I am a bmom and would love to have my child contact me. We have met and e-mail some, but I think it would have been cool to know he was waiting to meet me. In my circumstances, I did not wait a day past his 18th birthday. I was counting down to it for 18 years.

Best of luck to you!!!!

[wonder]

Hi Mommy24 - Thank you for your reply. This must have been the hardest thing for you to have done. As I have said before - I take my hat off to all bmoms - only strong people can do what you did at the time. I am sure he feels that he may want to contact you. I have always been curious - "Am I like him or her? Does he know I exist? What goes through her mind every July?" Things like that.

Keds - The decision you made at the time would also have been difficult. I don't know how you coped through the years. I have personally never felt anger or hurt towards my bmom. Mostly admiration and sadness for her because I believe the decision to give up her baby probably was not her decision.

Josh1788 - I am in South Africa - to the best of my knowledge - the contact may only be made from the adoptee - not the bparent. I never tried to contact her before because I always felt that nobody knew that she gave a child up for adoption and did not want to mess up her life. I am trying now - after 43 years - and will respect her feelings if she says no.

Thank you all for ALL your best wishes. It so so great communicating with such wonderful people!

[keds]

Hi Wonder - My brother and sister-in-law lived in South Africa for several years when he completed his PhD and were heartbroken to have to return home. I can honestly say that the main reason I didn't go completely crazy is I searched for him initially and found him. I didn't make any contact but knew he had great parents and left him alone. It was one of the happiest days in my life when he first wrote to me just over a year ago. He had a great life and all the opportunities I had hoped for, my youngest daughter was trying to get a rise out of me when she told me that she wished she had been adopted as they have exchanged letters and it is clear that he had "more stuff". She was joking as she knows how difficult it has been for me and him.

One of our first conversations I told him I didn't seek him out as I didn't want to intrude on his life and he indicated that same thing to me. He still hesitates to contact me, I usually instigate any visit, conversation but I have only him to concentrate on at the moment as my other children have just moved away to attend university and his life is quite full. I do hope you are successful and are as blessed as I have been in my reunion. If it all ended tomorrow I would be satisfied and can now look back at the hardest decision I ever made and smile. I never thought that would happen. Take care and good luck.

[DoreenD]

I am a B mother who gave 2 sons up for adoption in 1985 and 1990 I pray for the day that we get reunited. I'm also a little bit scared about stuff like Am I good enough for them I also have so many questions but until the day we are reuntied I'll just pray and keep searching. Good luck !
Doreen

[soprano]

Wonder,

I am a bmom who relinquished 30 years ago in a closed adoption. Speaking personally, a day did not go by where I thought about my girl and prayed she was well. I signed up with every reunion website I could find, and waited as her 18th birthday came and went. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her to find me if she wanted, but felt I couldn't intrude in her life because I had signed that right away--mentality of the time. Anyway, she saw a story on 20/20 about a reunion site, and a friend talked her into logging in--she found me the first place she looked. We have been in reunion for 10 years, and I admit it hasn't been easy, but I am so grateful she found me.

Have you looked at all? You should follow your heart. If for no other reason than curiosity and medical history, I think you should see if your bmom has left any open doors out there for you.

I wish you all the best!

Soprano

[quantum]

I relinquished nearly 23 years ago in a closed adoption (not my choice). I thought about him every single day but thought I shouldn't look for him. After coming here to find out where to register my info so that he could find it easy to find me if he decided to look, I realised a lot of adoptees WANT their birthparents to look for them. I took the plunge right around the time I turned 40, found him quickly, but was told he wasn't ready for contact. Waited patiently for a few months and tried again. We've been in reunion for over a year now!
I'm so thankful. (he'd always wanted to find me but his amom had stopped my initial search).

Follow your heart, try to prepare yourself for any reaction. That's the best advice I can give.

[Oceans]

I placed 26 years ago (closed) and would love for my son to make contact but it is different for everyone. This is a great place for support!

Do you have easy access to your information? If you get a name you may be able to do some background work prior to contact.

btw: I visited SA about 3 years ago for 2 weeks... Amazing!!

[aroha]

Dont think for a moment that she has ever forgotten you - but the only way that you can find out how she will react is to approach her - I know that it is pretty scarey stuff but you have a greater than average chance of a positive outcome - goodluck.

[kune]

wonder
I placed my child 37 years ago and only two people (husband and girlfriend) knew until my son contacted me 8 years ago. I had to explain to my mother (84), two sisters & a brother and friends who had known me for over 30 years!!!! It wasn't easy, but with the telling came a huge sense of relief. Secrets are so harmful for the soul. I expected to be judged, but instead every one was there to support me. Most of the birthmother I have met or had contact with share their child's birth and subsequent adoption with their husband and chances are your Mom has too.

Good luck - for both your and Mom's sake I hope you search.

Ann

[jwmjwm]

Kune, thanks for sharing your experience telling your family. My first mother declined contact with me about three years ago now because nobody in her family knew about me, and she didn't want them to find out.

My birthmother's situation is similar to yours in that it's been a long time that she hasn't told anyone (I'm 40), and her elderly mother (in her early 90s three years ago) is one of the people she would have to have told. She also has a younger sister (to whom she said she was close, at the time of my birth) who didn't know.

I wonder if she will ever decide to tell them about me. I imagine it must be draining to keep such a big secret from people you love. I'm so glad you had a sense of relief after telling your family. Blessings to you.

[kune]

jwmjwm
After my son wrote his contact letter I did have a choice. I could have said "no contact" but who would I be protecting? Only myself. I was 51 at the time and thought of my bson every day without fail - wondering and hoping he had a good life. I had the opportunity to meet him and perhaps have an active part in his adult life and there was no way I could turn that down just because other's may not respect me once my secret was out. In todays world we expect young ones to live with their partners before marriage. They often wait until the first child is born (or imminent) before tying the know or continue to live in a partnership rather than a marriage. Why then would someone continue to live a life of shame for vanity's sake?

Will you keep an eye on the obits and perhaps when her mother passes over, contact her again? If you can word it in a loving way, remind her that both she and YOUR aunt are missing out on a relationship that means so much to you. Sure the telling is hard but the rewards are magnificent.

I feel for you. It's like a divorce. Legally seperated yet it should have worked.

ps - Do I assume you are your Mother's only daughter?

Ann

[jwmjwm]

Hi Ann - Unfortunately, I don't have any identifying info on my first mother. My attempted contact with her was through a confidential intermediary, through the court process in D.C. I did attempt an independent search a while later, but the search company was unable to find her.

It has crossed my mind that once my mother's mother passes, she may change her mind about contact. I think at this point she would have to start a search for me, and contact me the same way I contacted her. I really hope this happens some day. It's sad to think we could go through our whole lives never meeting again.

I don't know if my first mother has other children. If they exist, I'd love to meet them as well.