[quantum]

It's 11 pm on a Sunday night. DH and the girls are asleep and I'm alone again with my thoughts. Not like they never stop, they're just louder at times like this.

I want to weep, but the tears do not come. I want to weep because even though my relationship with bson seems to be on track, I want more. I want to weep because I'm afraid to ask for more. I want to weep because it seems like the smartest move is to let time take it's course.

I'm so angry with my parents, I want to yell so they hear me, so that they break their silence. How can they continue to keep silent when I've told them how the silence has been making me crazy? My mother seems to feel guilty that she didn't take bson and raise him herself. My father would have used it against me. Just more ammunition to cut me down because I'm not grateful enough.

I guess I'm hitting a down on this crazy rollercoaster.
And with two small children at home, I don't have the luxury of wallowing in my misery.

Thanks for letting me speak.

[keds]

Quantum, big ((HUGS)), I hear you. I'm sorry your parents are unable to talk about your bson and I too feel I want so much more in the way of a relationship than he does (although I have yet to meet him and actually ASK!) As you said I'm afraid to ask him for anything - like I don't have the right. I have the opposite problem with my mom - she says it was my decision (??!!) to place my bson for adoption. I know I was intending to place him and then he was born and I fell in love with him and changed my mind. We went out and bought everything you need (he stayed in the hospital as he was jaundiced) and his bdad came to me and said there was no way he or his family could handle it so see you later (at least that's how I remember it) so I told my mom that I would never see him again if I didn't place my bson. She took that to mean that I didn't want to raise him and because I was a minor she went to court and signed off. No conversation, no counselling, nada. Less than a month later I called CAS and told the "counsellor", I use the term loosely as she was as helpful as a canker sore, she told me that it was "too late as the papers were all signed and approved". I was naive and didn't know any better so I didn't push it - she was in a position of authority. Of course, she is also the one that said that "people like me didn't deserve to have healthy babies". Just the kind of person you want working with unwed mothers!! Take care of yourself and if you ever need to let it out, PM me. I need you and the others here to help me find my way through my reunion and I hope I can do the same for you.

[Found at last]

Quantum,
I can understand your fear. I was reunited with my dd in 2003. Right from the beginning, I was very open with her. I answered all of her questions. I asked my normal questions too, but I don't know if I got honest answers. I wanted to get to know her better, but before I could feel comfortable asking her, she pulled back after just 2 months of reunion and hasn't contacted me since.
So if I get another chance, I don't think I will walk on egg shells again. As least I hope I won't have to.

Found