[quantum]

Hiya,

Oh I've been blindsided by new emotions! They revolve around my parents and how I wish they would react. I wasn't going to tell them that I was in reunion with bson, but finally decided it was ok (from how my mom reacted when I asked if she'd ever thought about him).
So first I tell her, she tells my dad, they are ok with everything but then never say another word (we were visiting with them for 2 weeks).
I figure well, maybe it's because I made it clear that I wasn't ready for them to have contact with bson, they perhaps thought I didn't want to talk about it.
Finally I sent my mom a picture of bson with my two girls. We have a 6 hour time difference and neither of us check email so often, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that I heard nothing for a couple of days, but it upset me!
Then I finally heard back from her and that upset me as well! All she said was 'oh I wasn't sure if you guys would actually meet up and so on.'
Then my dad sends a ps saying 'when can I brag about our grandson' argh.

I'm coming to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do or say about the matter that I'll feel great about. Which stinks.

I know from the few minutes when they talked about it when I was home that certainly my dad has a very different perception of how things happened. Apparently the choice to shut everything in was my idea 100%. Hmm, I'm sure he doesn't remember me wanting to go to the bmom support group and him refusing to allow me. Well, whatever. I don't want to get into all that, it doesn't really matter except how I'm struggling today!

Any help/advice/hugs would be appreciated!

[BlsdPrsn]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I hope there will be open communication between you and your parents to help you resolve this. Sending a hug and will keep you in my thoughts.

[josh1788smom]

Quantum - first ((((BIG HUGS)))). Second, I have come to the conclusion that those of us that got to adoption through the lack of support of our parents, are not going to find them to be much help at reunion time. Ok - I know somebody will be all over that statement so I will clarify that is MY OPINION.

I met my son the day before his 18th birthday, and my brother told my mom that I had. So my mom said to him, "should we send him a birthday card?" She was dead serious. My brother was like - "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO JUMP IN AND BE GRANDMA". She didn't get it.

In my opinion, work on your reunion with your son, find another person to be your outlet (us, spouse, girlfriend), and maybe ease your parents into it with some reading. But I've got to tell you, I had my mom read "The Girls that Went Away" and "Primal Wound" and she is still CLUELESS. After reading "Primal Wound" she bought copies for my bson, his amom, and his agrandmother (my aunt). I went ballistic at that thought so she never sent them, but it showed my she is still CLUELESS.

Good luck to you - hope your parents are faster learners than mine.

[Found at last]

(((Quantum)))

My parents never spoke of my dd. In 2003, my dd found me. She wanted to meet my extended family. So when it was time for my Dad and my dd to meet, my DAD introduced himself as HER GRANDPA. GRRRRRR! I wanted to grab him by the arm and pulled him outside and rip him a NEW one. But I didn't. My dd pulled back after that meeting and I haven't heard from her since.
So I know how you feel about your parents.

[quantum]

It's weird though.
WHY does it bother me SO much? But it does. I guess I still feel like he is MINE. Well, not really since he's got his parents (aparents).

I just feel ripped apart inside. I want to scream at them (gotta love that emoticon) but I know they won't get it.

Definately not putting them in contact for some time!

[browneyes0707]

I get it. My parents don't know about the pregnancy, and I really must admit, I'm not looking forward to telling them. Not because my parents will be angry, I think they will forgive me. But it's the after part I worry about. Right now DD isn't ready for contact from ME yet, I'm going to have to try to explain that , and my parents are the type that will want to rush to her doorstep and meet the family (especially my mom, she can be quite overwhelming and stubborn, I know she wont get it.) I have a hard enough time trying not to overwhelm a- mom , my mom wont be so subtle, LOL!

Sending you hugs, tho!!!!

[amyshaw]

quantum, I seriously sympathize. When I was pregnant with DD, I had NO support from my a-parents. I won't go into detail about the discussions, but suffice it to say that I wasn't given much of a choice about adoption. Now that my CI has found my daughter, my a-mom is all "loving and concerned." Where was that 21 years ago?!?

Like you said, nothing they say right now will fit with your emotions. Work on your relationship with DS, and worry about your feelings, and his, not theirs.

Big (((HUGS))) and chocolate to help you through!

[Patty-cake]

When my dd and I met f2f she stated that she was sorry that my parents were deceased that she would have loved to meet them. She already knew from my e-mails that they refused to help me keep her but my parents were remarkable people. At the time dd said this I bit my toungue to keep from saying " darling they didn't deserve to meet you."

Now I am just curious what my parents' reactions would have been. I think my mother may have been sorry. As for Daddy I am clueless. I have gotten over my anger, hurt and disapointment with him.(It didn't happen over night.) I think He believed the lie that I would get over it. Heck, maybe he even thought I did. Mother knew differently.

I wonder if a lot of other parents (ours) believed the lie and are uncomfortable with admitting they were wrong.

Just how I have reached peace on this matter. -Patty

[quantum]

One of the things that's killing me is how they are acting as if I've been perfectly fine for the past 22 years.
I am so tempted to tell them about the pain and suffering I've experienced, I don't think they'd understand though, I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can.

So I say again

[josh1788smom]

I made my mom read The Girls That Went Away. I also made her read Primal Wound. I also have had MANY discussions with the lack of thought that went into FORCING adoption - how their bs that "this baby needs 2 parents" and all that crap was just lip service to make themselves and me do what they wanted with my son. I have since told them that they did not for once think what adoption would do to my son. They did not think how he would not have the basic security that anyone not adopted takes for granted - like knowing basic medical history or who you look like. Not saying these things should take precedence over adoption in all cases, but they were not even thoughts. It goes back to the whole - permanent solution for a tempory situation.

Patty - I would LOVE to know how you got over the hurt and anger, because mine has gotten worse since my son turned 18.

My mom has admitted she was wrong and is sorry - but it is too late. Nothing can change.

[krielly]

Sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through.......I'm on the other end of the triad. I'm an adoptee..............so.......can't relate too much in your area, but just wanted to offer something.

Regarding birthmoms feelings toward your parents......
I truly believe that forgiveness is a gift you give YOURSELF! You don't need to forgive someone for their sake, but for your OWN!!

I hope each of you finds the peace in your heart you so TRULY deserve!!!!!!!!!

As a 40 year old adoptee.....what I wouldn't give to be able to meet my birthmom. She declined back in 2005, but that's a whole other story. To be honest, it really makes no difference to me WHY I was put up for adoption, and if it was her mother and father's idea.......or her decision, it really does not matter in how I feel about her. That was then, this is now. We can't change the past, we can only move forward!!

I didn't always feel this way about my bmom. There were times that I was angry and bitter (as a teenager and young adult), so therefore, I never searched at that time. Now that i'm older, i feel SOOOOOOOO differently...............

OK, enough about me. Sorry to ramble. Again, I wish each of you the best!

Hugs
K

[Patty-cake]

Joshsmom, it has taken 36 years- the last 3 in therapy- a LOT of prayer- thinking about my parent's own lives and wanting to- like the man said "give myself the gift of forgiveness" so I could have peace.

It blew my mind when the issues with my parents resurfaced and I began to see that for them- mostly Daddy it was about his image. (He was an Episcopal Preist.) How could he justify this hurt v/s his image? It just didn't fit his character (I never could spell that word)- besides I was his favoriate.
That is when I concluded that he must have believed the lie- that I would get over it and forget.
My father's mother left her wealthy husband and three kids when my Daddy was 7 and my uncle was a baby and ran off with a 17 year old meter-reader for the gas company. I think perhaps he never experienced a mother/child bond himself. That is also why I think he may have believed the lie. I will never know for sure in this life - we never discussed it- but it is something I can live with.

I came to realise that when my mother humiliated me by dragging me over to bf's parent's house she was actually trying to save me from what she knew was comming. I was so mad about that for 35 years. I don't think Mother believed the lie. I don't think any mother could believe it. My mother was more devoted to my son (born later when I was married) than to her other grandchildren- and that is saying a lot. She loved them all. I think she was trying to make it up to me or maybe to herself. Why didn't she stand up for me to Daddy? She loved him more than she did me and dd. That is not a crime. I can live with it.

I am no longer angry but I am curious as to my parents would have responded to my reunion. I will have to find out in the next world.

[quantum]

Well, I bit the bullet.
I called my mom this afternoon and had a real heart to heart with her. I told her what pain I'd been going through for the past 22 years and how that's finally been able to heal.
It's funny, I do think that the doctor I used was really the 'bad guy' in this picture. It was 1985 but he was really following old school closed adoption procedures.

My mom used the analogy 'We never spoke to you about it because we thought it was like a wound, and speaking to you would be like picking away the scab.' Which allowed me to answer, 'not being able to speak about it meant that the wound never got to heal.'

I'm still cautious, but I'm not so torn up inside at the moment.

Thanks for the stories and the hugs!

[amyshaw]

Quantum, congrats for taking that first step! My DD was born in 1986, and I still haven't had the "courage" to tell my a-mom what I've felt for the last 21+ years. I don't think she'd understand anyway.

Anyway, it sounds like you've taken the first step towards healing. Wish I could do it!

[josh1788smom]

Awesome work Quantum. If we were closer, I'd buy you a drink. You make us proud!