[Scorpio66]

I got my first contact from M herself on Jan. 18, 07. She had left this hysterical message on my v-mail that she really needed to talk with me and she didn't want our first contact to be like this, but PLEASE, PLEASE call her ASAP. The next message was from A-Dad (A-Mom died 10 yrs. ago when M was only 9), she had been hysterical, and apparently high (on cocaine) and he had her arrested and taken to the ER. As I live only 30 miles from them and had told him I would help in any way I could, he requested I come to the ER, which I did. I was able to meet my B-daughter that day and spent about 4 hours with her once she was deemed "not a danger to herself or anyone else". It was a good first conversation, although I know she wasn't thrilled about the circumstances that got me there that day.

She promptly ended up back with the boyfriend the next day (he was the one that intorduced her to coke in the first place) and A-Dad promptly freaked out. Over the next 6 weeks, she called me at least once daily (sometimes I could tell she was high, at which point I got off the phone as quickly as possible), but for the most part, we had great "getting to know each other" chats, even a few that lasted an entire evening. We were able to meet again and go shopping and have dinner one Saturday evening.

Then in early March, she broke up with the boyfriend and finally went back to A-Dad's house. That Friday, I met her after work for Dinner and then we went back to her Dad's house and sat up talking until 3AM. Sadly, the very next night, she found some party and got coked out again, and by Sunday AM she had been arrested at a local house of worship for causing a public disturbance, which was brought on by what the Psych people are calling a "psychotic break" from too much drug use, too fast.

I told her Dad, "I can help you, but you have to start listening to me." I was able to find a Holistic treatment center in FL (we live in IL). I felt based on my conversations with her that she was in dire need of spiritual guidance which they could offer her. The hospital had been able to keep her for an extra 48 hrs. for medical observation, and on Monday, her Dad and I offered her the option to go to the place in FL, to which she agreed. By Tuesday night, she and I were on a plane flying to Miami (Dad paid for the entire trip, including hotel and rental car).

She has now been in treatment for a month and will be coming home in 2 weeks. We have talked every day while she has been there and have started to become very close. She has thanked me for finding the place she is in and has stated that it is the best place she could be and knows that her Dad never would have found a place like that for her without my intervention. I have let her Dad know that while I am glad to be able to help, it is unfair of him to think that after he has "broken" her in the 10 years since her Mom died, that I will be able to come to the rescue and "fix" her. I have advised him of the need to seek out support groups to learn to understand her drug behaviors/patterns, as since he missed them the first time, it is likely he would miss them if they arise again unless he educates himself.

I will say, that my daughter is more like myself, than I think I care to admit, but maybe that is why I have been able to step in and offer the vast amounts of support that I have given, as I know in my heart what she needs, because I needed similar things when I was her age. I have come to realize that she is not a "hard core" drug addict, but only a lost adolescent who got carried away with experimentation (much like something I did at her age).

She is now calling me Mom (which still freaks me out on some days), but which is fine with me in that there are worse people in this world she could look to as a mother figure, and a mother figure is what she has been desparately seeking for the 10 years since A-Mom died (according to her therapist, and yes, she did sign a release of medical information, naming me as one who could be shared with).

I have let her talk with my son (14) and both are extremely excited to have a sibling, since both have been only children until now. We have decided that when she does come home, my son and I will pick her up at the airport so that they can meet in person, and she is planning on spending that weekend with us and some other family members (her request), so we will just have to see how it goes from there.

It is so strange that 6 months ago (before any exchange of information), I was merely hoping that we would someday meet and like each other, and now, I have a daughter! And, yes, I do truly like her as a person, and I know that the love I have been feeling for her all these years since her birth was not in vain!

Any thoughts or similar circumstances? I would love to hear back if you want to write!

Thanks for all the support out there, you are all wonderful and special people!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Scorpio66

I will say, that my daughter is more like myself, than I think I care to admit, but maybe that is why I have been able to step in and offer the vast amounts of support that I have given, as I know in my heart what she needs, because I needed similar things when I was her age. I have come to realize that she is not a "hard core" drug addict, but only a lost adolescent who got carried away with experimentation (much like something I did at her age).

She is now calling me Mom (which still freaks me out on some days), but which is fine with me in that there ....and, yes, I do truly like her as a person, and I know that the love I have been feeling for her all these years since her birth was not in vain!

Any thoughts or similar circumstances? I would love to hear back if you want to write!

Hi, I've only just seen your post, but I have been in reunion with my son for 16 months now and he found me, but in my reunion with him it was obvious that this was a boy in pain. So much pain, that he had been on ecstasy, heroin, you name it, he'd tried it.

I wrote to his mother after he'd ended up in hospital last christmas after an ecstasy tablet had gone wrong and she factually informed me that he was not in any danger not had he been, but let him think he was. Knowing what I know about ecstasy, I found her information a little too dispensed and indifferent, but then she'd had to put up with his diversion to drugs over many years and his unpalatable "friends" and had developed an indifferent almost hard nosed response to it and I will not judge her for that, it is very hard to cope with. She loves him very much and I'm grateful that she has stuck by him, even though she probably doesn't really realise the intricacies that Verrier explains about adoptees.

Like you, my sibling and I had a lot in common emotionally and although he has dumped on me a tremendous amount of emotions, he didn't get any reaction about his drug taking other than support. Like you, I have given him vast amounts of emotional support, but given tough mother love when he overstepped the boundaries and showed lack of respect. I have now earned that respect and he has calmed down immensely and is making great progress in my opinion but not in his afamily's.

Like you, I know in my heart what he needs. His afamily emotionally are so different, you may as well liken the arctic with the sahara, he shares nothing in common with them and has felt an outsider all his life with them. He hated growing up without me he told me. He was told he was adopted at the age of 13 and it was no suprise to him at all, he just didn't fit in.

From the start, my son called me mom, which freaked me out for 2 weeks then after that, I started acting like one. I loved it and still do. I show respect for his afamily, because I only know his version of events. I try to be supportive of the triad because this dear son of mine has so much to offer and its been buried in his pain from being separated from me.

Only Nancy Newton Verriers books The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self have given me the insight to be able to see what is going on with this lad.

Finally, after much mental and emotional agony and one heck of a roller coaster, I've finally reached deep within his heart and last week he emailed me to tell me that in our telephone conversation (one of many) that he was amazed by the "incredible strength you have shown towards me" . This wonderful lad, my son, has spent 29 years bewildered by his reactions to his afamily, his relationships and his life. I put him clearly in the picture and said from now on, life was going to change.

He wrote me to say that he loved and felt safe with me. He knows I wont hurt him. I sense, as he does, that the protective mechanisms that adoption has raised in him are starting to collapse so I hope that this is a move towards finally giving him some peace in life.

Having abandoned the drugs since December last, he still has problems supporting his painful emotions and his painful experiences in life with alcohol, smoking and antidepressants. He has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). His parents sent him to boarding school and expected him to "do well". He has not been able to, he is emotionally crippled for some of the reasons I have outlined.

My son is responding with a tremendous outpouring of trust and love and its made the agony worth enduring, because I've been tested to the limit. The more information we can share with each other, the better. Some adoptees are more composed, more adjusted perhaps, but my son has been emotionally crippled by the whole experience. I now know that as his bmother, I am impacting hugely on his life and it has been worth the experience ten times over, as its brought out qualities in me I never knew existed. From now on, my son really does feel the full force of my support and I hope that one day, his aparents will see the real Self. Thank goodness for one woman (verrier) being able to see what is really going on. I was as confused as most others when I first started reunion, but now there is a strength that I'm proud of, and my son is now starting another journey... to find his true self and be the person I know he really is.

I applaud your approach to your daughter. You are some special person and I hope things work out well for you both, you deserve it.

[lonni]

Wow- I am so glad your daughter has you back.You are just what she needed all along.She lost 2 mothers at a young age and now she has you back.What a blessing for you to come back into her life.