[quantum]

Hello everyone,

It's been a little over a week now since I made first contact with my bson. Yup, the roller coaster has started! He's great though and really, I'm the happiest I've ever been!
Question...
As happened to many of us, I was 'encouraged' to have this closed adoption and then was expected to 'forget it ever happened'. It's something that I haven't discussed with my parents since right after it happened.
They have no idea I even thought about searching for him, let alone found him.
Should I tell them? Is it incredibly selfish of me to not want to yet?
Any thoughts or experiences about this would be greatly appreciated.
For reference, my parents are mid 60's, I'm 40 and my bson is 22.

[bmum79]

No, you are not being selfish in wanting to keep this to yourself.Every mother needs time alone to bond with her child.
I too went through the heavy leaning to 'get rid of it', get on with your life blah blah pressure etc and when I found G I wanted to keep him all to myself.
Getting to know this familiar stranger is not easy and very emotional, your priority is to you, your bson and your fledging relationship 1st. My parents knew that I was looking. Although I did not tell them they found out and, in spite of me telling them to stay out of it, they went behind my back and did their own search (I found out 1 year later) so they knew immediately when G and I 1st made contact. However, I did tell them, quite firmly, to "Back Off" that this was about me and my bson ONLY!
Although I'm not ready to bring G into the family fold, I will do it if that's what he wants ..... he doesn't.
I found my parents delight that 'their' grandson has been found and 'we've waited so long for this' very hard to swallow and initially resented their outpouring of love,interest and support - 26years too late I felt.
Although they've yet to meet (if ever) I do tell them things about G that I feel like telling.
They way I see it, building a healthy relationship with my bson is far more nb to me than my relationship with my parents (so much unresolved anger there)
In a nutshell, you do what's right for YOU! Good luck

[quantum]

Thanks for your post, that's kind of the conclusion I'm coming to!
You and I sound a lot alike! I guess that's why we're here and that experiance is something that helped to form us.
Thanks!

[josh1788smom]

I totally agree bmum79 - The outpouring of support of parents now - makes me want to scream - WHERE WERE YOU THEN?????? That was when I needed your support when I was young and alone (basically). Not now, that I have 3 other kids, and a great husband, and a great home. WE are not in this together.

My mom talks like we were all wronged. I guess maybe she feels like they were because my parents had my dad's cousin adopt my son. But once the cousins got my child in their house and their life, my entire family was cut off. I think my parents thought there was going to be ongoing gratitude or something. I knew he was a weasel. He promised all kinds of things until it came down to it.

I share some with my parents when I talk to my bson, but not all. He is not looking for an extended family. Because I am afraid all the lies would make him question everything he knows, I don't go into any of that with him. Right now, it is just about he and I.

[bmum79]

Yeah, this is a tricky issue to deal with and one that I'm not ready to. It burns my gut when my folks talk about 'their' grandson ..... he's not. My folks gave up that right when they did not accept him into our family, they gave up that right when, for 26years they hardly acknowledged his existance and NEVER his birthday (1 day a year, I ask you) Of course, all this silence was for me, they didn't want to upset me - as if by keeping quiet I would not any feel pain, I would forget his birthday, I would not cry. They failed to realise that their silence caused me much pain and indirectly stunted my ability to heal.
Now, they can't wait to welcome THEIR grandson ( their FIRST grandchild) into the family.NO!
I do believe that what they're really looking for now, is atonement and forgiveness but I do not believe that that sort of emotional burden should be placed on G's shoulders.Hell, they've never even apologised to ME for what they did and how they reacted.
Now, I'm unreasonable,selfish,spiteful for keeping him away. They don't see how fragile our relationship still is and how I fear that it won't take much to break it.G does not 'do' families
Added to that, my mother is having a huge problem accepting his unusual appearance (he's Goth) Now, why would I subject this child to the company of a woman who a) couldn't accept his illegitimacy( what will people think) and b)can't acept his tattoo's and piercings etc. How many more times must this woman 'reject' this child - at least I'm stronger now and able to stand my ground.
Just as I've have to accept the fact that I'm not his mom, so do my folks have to accept the fact that they're not his grandparents and never will be. At the very most, I can only hope that G will grow to like me enough to continue our contact.Long may it prosper.
This time it is about me,and I'm doing what's best for ME - if they have a problem with that well, that's THEIR problem and I don't want to know about it. Hard stance - yes but I've enough to deal with at the moment

[josh1788smom]

My favorite one is when my parents tell me my son is in their will. So one day, I came back with a few questions about this. I actually told my mom she needs to change the wording of the will. She thought she was being so open minded to him by having her will say all grandchildren. I told her my children do not know about him at this stage as he is not ready (this was a while ago), and they did not need to find out that way. My will specifically states the children born of my marriage. And for very good reason - my husband and I have 3 small children. If something would happen, our assets should be used to care for these children - not to have an adoptive parent take some portion of our assets into their control. As my relationship progesses with my son, I may include him in my estate. At this stage, It's too early.

[quantum]

I guess I didn't realise that this was such a burning issue! Well, I knew it was for me, I guess it makes sense.
What you two are saying are one thing I'm afraid of. That it would become all about 'them'. Good grief.
I must confess though, when they found out I was pregnant they offered, out of the goodness of their hearts...hmm...to adopt him themselves, BUT I couldn't stand the idea that I would have to sit on the sidelines and watch them raise him, especially with everything I'd gone through with them! And in retrospect I am REALLY THANKFUL I didn't go that route.
They have never ever brought up the subject with me. I wasn't even allowed to attend any support groups after the adoption.

One reaction I fear from them would be 'How dare you mess up our lives again by bringing this up?How dare you search for him?'
I don't need to explain to any of you why I dared to search for him!

I've reached the decision to tell him that I'm not going to share this with them, unless he really has the need to have any contact with them at this time.

It is hard to not include my parents in something that is so fantastic in my life! But as with others, I do harbour a lot of resentment over how they treated me in regards to this issue!

[josh1788smom]

Quantum - it is so hard to know how to play it all the right way. It just boils down to my usual thought - adoption sucks!

Maybe if you and your son get to a place where you are comfortable with the relationship and not just dancing with the emotions of reunion - you may feel more open to let them in. Now - just work on your relationship first.

I don't understand why with parents it has to be all or nothing. Why couldn't they just aide and support you without legally having to be the parents??? You were only going to be 18 for a while. If some birthmoms had the support to get through a very temporary phase in our lives, we'd be with our children. The whole concept of someone having to take ownership of our children is bogus!

Good luck and keep us posted. You started a hot one here.

[quantum]

Joshsmom,

Wow, why couldn't i think of that? The idea of the grandparents helping...
It's tough. I'm so early in the contact phase, so early in the finally facing everything really phase! He's the greatest, part of me wishes I'd been there to help him be that, but wonders if he would be so great if I had!

I've got two small daughters as well and I'm definately going to keep that idea in mind though if they ever are faced with these decisions!

[bmum79]

Quantum, first up let me say congrats on being reunited with your birthson. I do hope that you'll go on to have a loving and healthy relationship with each other.
Your journey is still so new, as much as there's a part of you that probably wants to throw this big reunion pary and bring your son into the welcoming arms of your family (quite a normal reaction) I do advise caution as what so often happens is that you get swept along in your euphoria that you lose touch of the real issure here - the relationship between you and your son.
Next month I'll be 1 year along in my reunion - G has not met my family and my parents do not have his contact details. Now this is not because of vengeful spite or suchlike but simply because I've had so many emotions to deal with, trying to keep a grip on reality that I've not felt strong enough to 'celebrate' with my family. And in any case, the initial rejoicing does die down, my mom seldom asks about G - just another 9 day wonder and again I'm left alone to try and figure this whole scene out by myself. she (and most of my friends) do not understand when I have doubts and reservations as .... this is a miricle, your son has returned, be thankful! As Joshsmom said, wait until both you and your son have reached a comfortable level in your relationship,however long that takes, before 'killing the fatted calf' This 'alone' time is so necessary for bonding. When you feel the need to speak to some-one about how you're feeling, speak to those of us who'll understand and who've been there and who'll give you the support that you're going to need.You'll know when you're ready to chat to your folks.

[quantum]

Thanks! That really does mean a lot, I used these forums when considering if I should search, and now that I've found him I'm finding them an invaluable resource! I wish I'd had the courage to read them before, but now is fine too.

I've got an interesting twist to this situation. I live in Europe, bson lives in the USA. We'd planned a 4 week trip to the USA before bson was found! And now it seems that I'll get the chance to meet with him. Can't wait! But, yes, I'm trying to stay grounded.
I am going to introduce him to my husband and two daughters. They are so little that they just don't understand what this will be about, but I want to start the relationship now if I can so it will always be normal for them to have this older 1/2 brother in the USA. He's fine with that as well.

Anyway, it IS too soon for me to involve my parents. I don't worry about my girls saying something because a) they usually don't speak English! and b) I think they'd chalk it up to fantasy.

Thanks so much for support and advice on this issue, I know that I have/will have more!

[amyshaw]

Quantum,
How did I miss this thread?? Must have been sleeping, lol.

Anyway, big congrats on your reunion!

After reading all of the replies, I don't have any new advice. The others hit it directly!

In my situation, last year I found a girl I thought was my daughter. She came to visit, and of course, my a-mom was suddenly the most supportive person in the world, asking if we'd come visit her so she could meet my daughter (not her grand-daughter--my daughter, her words). Anyway, I'm thinking, okay, when I first told amom I was preg, her first words were "you're getting an abortion!!" Too late mom, already 6 1/2 months, lol. Next sentence was "you did this just to embarass me." Oh yea, that's just what I was thinking the night I conceived. So, how am I expected to bring this girl to meet a woman like that? I decide to do it anyway (should have listened to my gut and ran the other way). She treated this girl like a stray dog I'd brought home. She talked to her for about 5 minutes, then went about her business like she wasn't even there (for 3 days). Turns out the girl wasn't my daughter, so it isn't an on-going issue for me, but it taught me alot about how I'll handle it if/when I ever find my real daughter. Yes, I will take the time to get to know her and build a relationship between the 2 of us, and my husband & children. Then, if amom is still alive (she's 69 & already had 1 stroke), she and I will sit down and have a long talk about how she will treat this girl.

Sorry, this went a little longer than I'd planned!

Anyway, congrats again, and keep us posted!