[researchib]

Hi Y'all,
I'm a 33 yr old adoptee who has recently started to search for my bmom through the Dept of Md. Part of the process involves writing a non-identifying letter of introduction. In truth, I've been struggling to write this letter for a couple of years.

However, I have a specific question. I'm gay and am about to celebrate my 7 year anniversary with my partner. My letter mentions this as I think it should be clear up front that this is part of who I am. I've been out since I was 14 and to not mention it sets me up for possible issues later.

Having been out for so long( I told my family when I was 16), I've endured many types of rejection and surprise acceptances. I know the varied reactions people have. However, I'm very curious about how any bmoms on here would feel, or do feel, if they found out their bchild was gay. I know such a reaction is different for each person, but I am interested in the different opinions on here. Please be honest as I'm certain I've heard the gamut and won't be offended.

Thanks!
Becca
5/2/73, Tampa, FL

[amyshaw]

Becca,
First of all, I applaud your courage. I know you've had some struggles in your life, and you sound so happy! Congrats on your upcoming anniversary!

As to your question, I personally would welcome my daughter (as well as whatever family she may have) with open arms. I would just be tickled if she was as happy and grounded as you sound!

[kune]

As a birthmom and bio Mom, I would be dissapointed if my adult child was gay - not disappointed in them (I believe everyone should live in their own reality), but more for myself and the loss of a longheld expectation that my daughters children would be part of my later life. Grandbabies are one of life's blessings - they paint your retirement with vivid colors and brighten your life.

Sexual preference comes in many guises Becca. Your's is not perverted or detrimental to others. You are obviously in a loving relationship, and Moms and daughters have a special relationship - one that operates on an emotional level more so than Mom and son. Think of what your Mom has to receive here. A daughter, a daughter in law, and probably the one thing in life she regrets will be finally resolved. Sure your "Gay" status sets you apart a little, but it's not IMHO a biggie. In some ways it is a blessing - (no son-in-law to contend with.)

Write your letter - tell it how it is - and enjoy the reunion journey. From a birthmothers perspective I can tell you reunion is wonderful, defining, and oh soooooooo healing. There's one or two bumps along the way but nothing that can't be overcome.

Ann

[Mommy24]

Hi Becca~ If my bson were "gay" it wouldn't make a bit of difference to me. A person's preference in gender doesnt make them who they are on the inside, which is what matters to me the most.

I wish you the best and please continue to come here for support. Welcome to the forums

[researchib]

I love reading your responses. Thanks!

I am very happy and, if I do say so myself, well-grounded and delighted with my life. Growing up, being gay was much more of an issue for me than being adopted. It also caused some estrangement with my a'family that combined with many other factors so that we are still working on how to be a family. My older sister is adopted but has such negative feelings on it that she and I can't seem to find common ground to discuss it (actually, she won't discuss it). My younger sister is not adopted but she is considering adoption and our talks have brought us closer together.

As the years go by and being gay is just an aspect, rather than a defining factor, of who I am, I find myself searching for my birthfamily to fill in other gaps. I know so little about my bmom and it pains me to think of what she must have gone through. Growing up was very hard for me much of the time, but I'm so comfortable with who I am now that I think being able to share, with my bmom, the person I am today would be a blessing. I would love to let her know that I thank her every day for this life. I also have some medical issues that have spurred my search on. I think it has taken me this long to start searching because I did want to be emotionally healthy and strong so I could handle whatever happen. I certainly feel I am in that place now.

Kune, my partner and I are planning to adopt two older children within the next couple of years. We both believe strongly that there are many children in the US that need a home and we believe we can provide a loving home for them. So, grandchildren are not out of the picture!

I'm glad to have joined the forums and look forward to participating here! Thanks again for responding.

Becca

[Baloney-Girl]

Another birthmom here chiming in to say that it wouldn't upset or disappointed if my child was gay. I would certainly want my child to mention this in their intro letter and I might feel bad to discover that my child was afraid to include it. Being who you are beats all else and you sound pretty together. Good luck!~

[kune]

I did want to be emotionally healthy and strong so I could handle whatever happen. I certainly feel I am in that place now.

You sound all of that and more.
Search and reunion is emotionally testing. The uncertainty is so difficult to conceptualise pre-reunion.
To not search is to never know your birth-story - how you arrived on this earth, and who loved and nurtured you for 9 months. You want your own truths.....so it is important to start as you mean to finish. Be totally honest and open.

Becca - Receiving a letter was totally out of this world. I was actually holding something personal of my son's making. I read, reread, and touched it, held it...so many times in those first few weeks. Write your letter but don't stress about the content - you have years to cover the finer points.

Regards - Ann

[researchib]

Originally Posted by kune

Search and reunion is emotionally testing. The uncertainty is so difficult to conceptualise pre-reunion.

Oh, you're so right, Ann. Uncertainty, fear, so many questions. As I write this letter, I think, hmm, I am a Jewish adopted gay woman. I'm finally integrated as a human being, but will I be able to get that across? I've learned to hold back on judging others, naturally - given what I've lived, and can only hope I am not judged.

It is a challenge to acknowledge the fears but keep them realistic. I can't even list all my fears: what if she's deceased? What if I'm still a secret and one she intends to keep? What if thay can't find her? What if I can never find someone who looks like me? It goes on.

But there's always the other side: what if she's waiting?

I used to come on here and read the posts and stopped after a while. I didn't want to get my hopes up that my bmom felt the way all of the wonderful women on here did. But how will I ever know unless I try? I've spent years and much trial and error becoming the person I wanted to be. I'm made neither of glass nor stone and it's about time I accept the fear and uncertainty and take that step!

I love reading the posts on here from bmoms. It gives me a shot of courage when I feel a little shaky.

Thank you for your insights.

Becca

PS As I struggle through this letter and the waiting waiting waiting, I suspect I'll be on here a lot. Thanks in advance! lol

[kune]

Becca
I spent 30 odd years worrying, thinking, hiding, and trying to pre-guess what my first born thought of the young woman who gave birth and left him in the care of social services. Did he go to a home where he would be loved and encouraged to be his own person? Would he hate me, feel abandoned, etc etc. Far too many years guessing and never knowing. Yet....I didn't search. I promised at the time of relinquishing that I would never attempt to disrupt his life. I was told I had no legal right.

When he searched and found me, finally I knew.....he had a good life but that "curious" gene and the "different" sense of self had kicked in. He needed to know who he was, where he came from, and make a connection with his early past. He wanted a relationship - Me too!!

I'm made neither of glass nor stone and it's about time I accept the fear and uncertainty and take that step!

Agreed!!! and I think you are stronger than you know.
I believe adoptees "sense of self" are a unique blend of nature and nurture. I think that your true personality, your sense of self is inherent. Passed on by your birth parents. How you perceive the search and it's success will be reliant on past behaviours learnt in the home. BUT....If you feel a real connection to your birthmom, chances are she has the same inherent sense. I always felt my son walked beside me - not in person but definitely in thought. When we met face to face, there were few similarities re. facial characteristics but there was a familiar knowing there that defies description. Indescribeable, but others I have spoken to tell me the same thought was there for them.

Becca, I hope with everything I have that your Mom is still alive and well but if your Mom has passed on, you will at least gain knowledge. Those who are left will open their arms to you, fill in the blanks and pass on their mutual stories. You will find family.

If you are a secret, maybe the residual hurt and shame will be processed once you announce your re-arrival. And maybe with you help and support she is able to tell her story and hold her head up high.
If you can't find her - believe someone will - ask threadies for the name of a search angel - even those with no clues come up trumps. Time and patience will prevail. Some wise man said [quote]Honor is reflected in one's deeds,[quote]

I know I'm advocating optomisim....I refuse to look elsewhere. Attitude is everything. It's what makes our days and nights enlightening. It's what makes dreams possible. Adopt a happy attitude and (I knowfor sure) it will be your best friend.

I too love reading the stories - especially adoptees just starting their search. It's such a complicated process and involves so many emotional triggers. I'm 55 and have always thought myself as grounded and sane - but reunion really rattled my cage and turned me into an emotional ragdoll (whew....2many metaphors!!) Keep posting - I'd like to keep up with your progress.

Regards - Ann
ps.....Attitude....keep working on the bright side.

[bmum79]

Becca, I understand where you're coming from.
I finally made contact with my bson in April '06. Like most mothers, I had these images in my mind what he looked like and the type of man he'd grown into i.e - very very normal (as perceived by me and society).
My son is not 'normal' , he's a Goth. Was I dissapointed/upset?Of course I was. What did I know about Goths bar what our 'normal' society has labelled them to be - and we all know that they do not get a favourable write up accentuated by their appearance. My initial thought on seeing his photo for the 1st time was "Oh God, what have I done to you!" I cried because I saw my son as a wierdo!
However, my desire to be in contact with him and to get to know him overcame all of those initial fears and today I can say, without reservation, that I love my son unconditionally. I no longer see his 'gothness', I only see him and we speak openly about his latest piercing/tattoos etc. Through him I've had to grow as a person, open up my mind and, because of that I'm able to get to know and enjoy this beautiful man, my son.
I shudder to think of how much I would have lost if I'd judged him on his appearance and found it wanting.
I have to be honest here and say that Goths etc do make me feel uncomfortable but this is not about lifestyles/appearances, it's about a bmum and her bson and their future.
I wish you luck and I hope that you will get to enjoy a long and healthy relationship with your bmum.

[sstuart]

I am a birthmom who is not in a reunion yet. I do know that if I were to reunite with my daughter and she were gay that it would not make a bit of difference. My sister is gay and I love her and she is someone I would always want on my side. I think that being gay is sometimes a genetic thing and you might find you have relatives that are also gay. As to you bmom's feelings you can never tell what their reaction may be, and it may be more hurtful if the rejection comes from your birthmom. Hope all goes well in you reunion.

[Isabo]

Becca,

I wouldn't be bothered at all if my bson was gay. I am so happy to know him and have him in my life, and I accept him for who he is.

My son is my only child due to secondary infertility problems experienced as a result of the adoption (I think unresolved grief led to my infertility, and the doctor has always told me everything appears healthy). Having been on the losing end of infant adoption, I could never bring myself to in any way participate in adopting an infant. I believe mother and infant child belong together unless there is abuse or drugs involved. I do believe in adopting older children from foster care, because those children truly need homes. Therefore, I would have an extremely difficult time supporting my son in adopting a child unless it was an older child from foster care. Therefore, the "no grandchildren" aspect would be sad for me because he is my only child. Fortunately, my son has a daughter and several stepchildren, so I do now find myself in the wonderful position of Grandma.

Good luck with your reunion! I am sure that your mother will be very happy to see you again and will be so proud of you.

[Rylee45]

I would just love her anyway. In fact, when I met my daughter she told me she was bi-sexual. She has a husband who is a cross dresser (I've seen him in drag) and she has always liked woman and very feminine men.

Many times she would call me up and tell me about her encounters with woman and believe me she'd get into the nitty gritty detail of it. I think she was trying to shock me or test me or something to see if I would really love her no matter what. And I did love her no matter what and still do. I never got down on her about it and pretty much didn't bat an eye about it. I just let her talk.

Did it disapoint me when she told me that she was bi-sexual? Yes.

Why did it disapoint me? Because I'd always thought she would be a Mormon girl going to the temple and all that stuff. That's what my hopes for her was when I gave her up because that's what I was told she'd be raised like.

Did it stop me from loving her? No.

Why? Because she was my flesh and blood and nothing she could ever do or ever has done (even the satan worship and bizarre behavior she's had since we've met) will ever stop me from loving her. She's my daughter and if that's the way she lives her life then well, that's the way she lives her life I still want to be part of it.

I can't be part right now because of her amom and all the crap that she has done to stop my daughter and I from being able to have a relationship but someday I hope we get to talk again and will have the kind of relationship we had when we first met.

I will love her forever!

Rylee

[RavenSong]

Becca, I don't know if you will see this post since so much time has elapsed since you started this thread. But if you don't see it, perhaps another adoptee who happens to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered will find it useful.

I gave my son up for adoption at birth back in 1972, and I reunited with him in 1990, shortly after his 18th birthday. The first time I put my arms around him, I somehow sensed that he was gay. And as I got to know him better in the ensuing years, I knew that it was more than just a "hunch".

When he was about 22 or 23 years old, he "came out" to me. He had finally accepted his own gayness, which I think he had struggled with terribly in adolescence. During his teen years and early 20s, he self-medicated with crystal methamphetamine until he was a full-blown addict. It was only after he went thru an intensive 1-year residential treatment program that he finally accepted himself for who he is.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was when he accepted his sexual orientation! It seemed to me that a terrible burden had been lifted off his shoulders. He became much more relaxed around me; he didn't have to "pretend" anymore!

Was I "disappointed"? Only in the sense that I will never have any grandchildren. (My son is the only child I ever had.) He has lived with his partner now for about 10 years, and they have a very loving relationship. The most important thing to me is that my son is happy in his life.

He has never been able to tell his adoptive parents that he is gay, although I'm sure that they've figured it out by now, since he is 35 years old, unmarried, and living with the same "roommate" for over 10 years. I think he is afraid that they will reject him, especially since they are evangelical, born-again Christians.

Becca, it may take your birth mother some time to process the fact that you are a lesbian. Many birth mothers spend years fantasizing what their child is like, and it can be difficult at first to dispel those fantasies after a reunion takes place. You might want to give her some PFLAG materials and literature when she's receptive to it.

P.S. Did you know that there is a significantly higher percentage of gays and lesbians among adoptees than the general population? Researchers discovered this back in the late 1980s. In fact, some of the Concerned United Birthparent meetings I went to in the '80s and '90s tried to prepare birthparents for the possibility that our children were gay before we met them. I don't know what the latest research shows, but at the time, they thought it might have something to do with maternal stress hormones crossing the placenta. Just a thought..

[josh1788smom]

Becca - I am a birthmom. Your personal preferences would not be a defining factor to me. I would just be happy that you are happy, confident, and loved. I may not "do" what is expected or anticipated as your bmom but I think that may be true of birthmom/bio-children relationships. If your birthmom does not have any gay friends or family members a little of her reactions may be out of lack of knowledge, but it may also be as I listed above. There is no handbook on "how to relate to your adopted child", and I'd doubt even more there is a "how to relate to your gay adopted child".

Kudos to you. You are happy; you are in a relationship that brings you joy. You are adopting to be parents to children who need a loving home - you have one to provide. That is awesome. It tears me up to read about all the older children that have slipped through the cracks. All the older children that need a loving home. Many potential adoptive parents list things like "we will give your baby a loving home yada yada yada." I applaud you for looking to share love with those that really ache for it.

Best wishes to you!!!!!