[shadeinfla]

Hi To All

I hope my posting in this section does not offend anyone or make any of you feel I have crossed the line into an area of this forum that is not for me. I am the wife of an adoptee born in St Petersburg Florida on 4/28/1958. The adoption was handled through Children's Home Society ,my hubby's birth mom stayed at Florence Crittendon Home located on 9th ave and 9th Street in St Petersburg. I am posting in the birth mom area after having searched for 3 years now in other areas and by other means ing now since 2/2004. The results have not been what . I am trying to understand the hows and more importantly they why's of his birth mother being located and denying her son contact. Let me go a bit farther in details,,,, on the my hubby's non-id it states that in 1958 his b mom loved children volunteered with children as both a girl scout ( brownie) leader, with a group of 7-8 year old drama students, it goes on to say how much she loved children. It goes on to state the relationship with my husbands' bio father was a whirlwind relationship that the b mom and b father met when both were camp counselors, (again working with children) the relationship ended abruptly when she became pregnant, though his bio father did offer to marry her. She waited then 10 years to have any other children , but then had six children 4 sons 2 daughters... We have been told that of those six children ,she and her husband adopted several( unsure how many). What I am getting at here is the non id states this lady loved children so much that she went on to adopt children. Yet it took three phone calls to get her to admit to being the lady the adoption agency was looking , when we were searching for medical information due to our child(her bio granddaughter) being ill. I have read many articles on birth moms especially those from the post war era through roe vs wade time frame,. I am doing my best to understand her reasons , and do take into account the time (1958)in which she made the hard decision to surrender her child( my hubby) But being not only a mother but one who has lost a son( at age 16 days old) to death , I find it hard to understand why she turned him down,things are far more accepted today and she must have some idea how adopted children feel as she has adopted children herself. Do any of you have any suggestions on what might make this woman change her mind? It is so sad to me to know, one that both my husband and his b mom are missing this chance to reconnect, and that my husband
is missing out on the opporunity to meet and maybe if they would chose to have a relationship with his 8 younger half siblings who are now adults. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading this and I apoligize for coming into " your area"verses those for adoptees.

My Best
Shade

[katlyn]

I hope my posting in this section does not offend anyone or make any of you feel I have crossed the line into an area of this forum that is not for me.

First let me say, I know that I do not speak for all, but I am sure I speak for a few, that asking us for advice is not crossing the line. I have posted questions to adoptees many times, you should not feel like you have to stay in one particular set of forums just because you are not a bmom or an amom, you still need answers and you have to find them somewhere.
On to the question at hand. Being a birthmom who's going through the opposite side of it, I myself am waiting for my daughter to "want" to have contact with me. If your husbands mother is not wanting contact, maybe it is because her family is not aware of him. I have heard this many times, especially for women from that "era" as you stated. Things were very different then, just as they are now, compared to when I placed my daughter. If that is the case, then I would say, he has one of two options. He can either bypass his bmother and make contact with his half siblings on his own, maybe via an intermediary, or he can continue to wait and to try to bring her around. I don't know if he, himself, has tried to talk to her, but he could try. If he does not want to do so over the phone, then maybe he could have a letter passed on to her, unless he has her address, then he could mail it directly to her. Possibly, if he includes pictures of himself and you and your children, that might get her to come around? I wish I had more suggestions or better ones, I will keep you, your hubby and your daughter in my prayers and I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son. Please, don't hesitate to keep us posted!

[InBlindFaith]

Asking for advice here isn't crossing any lines with me, so don't fret.

There is a possiblity the birthmother was told that she would never be allowed to see her son. Even though times have changed, that may have stuck with her. Also, there is a possibility she has not told anyone, her husband and children and she could be afraid of their rejection. These are the things that she might be feeling...I don't know.

Do you have an address for her? I would send a letter to her...and don't forget the pictures, especially of the grandchildren!! The pictures will make it seem more real.

I wish I had answers for you. I'm trying to have patience and understanding as to why my firstdaughter has no desire to meet me.

[SallyLF]

Hi Shade- I am an adoptee, born in '55, same era as your husband, and I recently found my birthmother. At first she denied being who I was looking for, but then called me back 5 weeks later - I'd say her return call was from 10% curiosity and 90% fear (she knew I knew she was who I was looking for) - she is SO afraid I am going to let the cat out of the bag somehow. At age 71 I was the first person she had EVER spoken of my existance to though she'd been twice married, had 3 sisters. Can you imagine how deep that secret must be buried, to not even speak to a friend about it? She has acknowledged that times are different now and that there is little stigma attached to unwed pregnancy etc but somehow that doesn't translate to making it any different for her. I asked her what she thought would happen if someone found out and she said "They just wouldn't know what to think about me". Her fear and the scenarios she comes up with that will lead to her "outing" are borderline preposterous to me, but very real to her. She doesn't even want me to write her "in case someone sees [her] mail" though she lives alone. So, in her case she is a product of the times - full of shame and other dark self judgements.

I am also a birthmother to a 17 yr old, in a semi open adoption. I feel certain we will meet someday and though I feel absolutely that I did the right thing by relinquishing my daughter, and never kept it a secret, I am still full of guilt and sorrow, and though I am looking forward to knowing her I am also full of fear for the emotions I will have to deal with - so I can only imagine how difficult it could be for a woman who has buried the pain for decades.

There are so many tales on this forum of birthmothers eventually coming around, and their reasons for initial denial run the gamut. Many of them are simply overwhelmed at the prospect of opening up that chapter of their lives. I know how hard it is to not take it personally. I hope your husband's bmom eventually opens up to him, she sounds like a big-hearted loving person.

I agree with the others, don't give up. A letter, with photos might open her up. Along with lots of reasurrance that he has nothing but love, respect, etc. for her and will respect any boundary she sets. Good luck! SLF

[shadeinfla]

HI Katlyn, SallyLF and Inblindfaith,

Thanks so much for your replies. All three of you have brought up very valid points. As to sending pictures and writing a letter, how we wish we could but don't know who to send it too, We could probably get some where if we had a name even a first name ... but such is not the case The children's home society of Florida refuses to pass along any thing to either parent without written consent from the birth mother that she is willing to receive such. We have no name for the birth father either. We have had three PI's work this case none were able to find them either. When CHS called the the birth mother, the first call she completely denied being the person that CHS was looking for, then the second call she again denied but shared that " I wished I could help , as I have several adopted children myself, but I am not the person you are looking for... CHS was not going to call back a third time but we really needed the medical update so we threaten to sue CHS if they could not get such, so the third call , they finally told her we had lost a son and our one of our other children was ill, with a blood disorder ( you would think they would have said this the first call) She gave the medical over the phone and requested they never call her again. The medical she gave i doubt is truthful, as she stated at age 69/70 that the only medical condition she has is nearsightness and that all six of her adult chidren have never had any medical issues. I find it odd and unlikely that between seven people not one has had any medical issues.It has been 19 months since that last phone call. We had hoped maybe over time she would change her mind and call CHS back but this is not the case. We really are at a loss now as to any other angles we might explore. My gut tells me that even if she wants no contact at least a few of her children might want to meet their older half brother. I know that is something my husband missed , having siblings , has he was raised an only child.Well thanks again for your replies.

Shade