[loveajax]

My DH is an adult adoptee (40 yo) and we have located, though not contacted his birth mom.

I have a couple of questions for birth moms who placed children in closed adoptions.

1. Would it be "better" to receive a letter, a phone call or a visit for the first contact? I am leaning toward a letter.....

2. DH's older sister was also placed for adoption -- do you think he should contact her first before contacting his birth mom? Would you be offended if he did so? (I was sort of curious to see if perhaps she may already be in reunion, etc.).

3. Would you be offended or prefer not to be contacted if your child just wanted to let you know that he was OK but was not really wanting a "relationship"? (I am not sure how DH will react if he does contact his birth mom, and whether it would be for just a limited purpose of letting her know he is OK, grateful, etc.).

Thank you for any insight you can give.

[MrsHoot]

Speaking for myself, as a birthmother;

1 - A Letter, I always knew BD would contact me so for me a phone call would be okay but I still think a letter would have been easier to deal with...it would have given me time to process things more, to deal with the emotional roller coaster before replying - you don't have that luxury with a phone call or a f2f.

2 - I'm not sure about first but if he knows where she is I don't think contacting her is a bad idea. Would I be offended - no, I don't think I would be but I only placed one child so it's hard to imagine how I would really feel about that but offended just doesn't fit for me...I might be pleasantly surprised by news on the second child - but it is not something I would include in first contact letter to her.

3. I might be hurt that he doesn't want a relationship with me, I am sure I would not want to be bluntly told that but at the same time, if he did I would understand it...I would also hope that one day he would give me the chance to get to know him and not just meet him. I would also be hoping he wants to get to know me, too.

The only other thing I want to add is, tell DH not to wait, I've read too many posts in which the adoptees have found dead or dying birthparents - so tell him please, don't wait!

Hope any of that helps!
Good luck in your search and reunion journey!!
C.

[loveajax]

Thank you, Mrs. Hoot!!

[KimberlyM.1969]

only my opinion, but I would hope it would come in a letter form. this allows the birthmom a chance to deal with the initial shock of contact in a private way, versus puting her on the spot on the phone. such a delicate subject needa a delicate approach