[Jannyroo]

I'm into 8 months reunion with son in late 20's.

I've written once to aparents to reassure them that I will be careful with their feelings.

Our son overdosed on drugs by mistake and nearly died 2 nights ago. He was discharged the next day, but I wasn't contacted by either of aparents. I don't phone my bson at home where he lives, out of consideration for his aparents feelings. I had hoped to make some move to meeting them/contacting them with a view to us supporting son as a group, but this has happened well before anticipated. He only told me a week ago that he was back on drugs and didn't phone me until after the o/d.

Can someone please offer me some consolation as to why I wasn't contacted by his amom? His adad didn't go to hospital despite life threatening situation as he "can't cope" with medical things.

I am finding this very difficult. It was my son that contacted me 2 days later to tell me he'd survived, but when I suggested that I come to some arrangement with his amom about contacting me in these instances, he hung up. That's the last contact I had with him.

Any thoughts that would comfort me would be very welcome as I am badly hurt, and shocked that my bson nearly died. For the 8 months that we've tried to establish a relationship, it has for the concentrated dose of joy also involved huge dollops of mental agony as I try to adjust to the huge load of problems he has not spared me from early on - alcoholism, moaning about his aparents, gratitude is something that doesn't seem to have been a quality he's developed with aparents or myself. I've tried so hard to encompass all of his emotions, but I feel like an emotional punchbag and the latest events have just finished me off. I feel I have nothing left inside of me, I'm utterly exhausted.

Your thoughts on this forum, as always are welcome and thanks for not hurting my feelings, as I struggle very much with the love I have, but can't give to my emotionally ailing son, who told me that he couldn't bear to be raised without me. Whilst you may feel that he needs me, I need to be this and that, those closest to me that know all of the ins and outs have said that if I carry on with him in my life, he will destroy me. Words such as cruel, manipulative, torture is what they have seen me go through.

Please help, my mind is so flat with all the one sided phone calls which are mainly problems, problems and more problems. I'm not a counsellor and I'm absolutely drained. I do wonder whether I've confused fantasy with reality. I did so hope his finding me would have helped him in his battle against his personal demons, but he seems to inflict more and more on me, and a friend said he seems to get a kick out of putting me through it. I just don't know anymore. Your love and thoughts have sustained me a lot since joining this forum this year.

[Boulderbabe]

I'm so sorry this has happened in your life. You must be torn apart.

In regards to the aparents, I can only give you my perspective as an aparent. I imagine that in the first place, with so much going on, they may have felt like this was not the best time or place for the three of you to meet. Adoption is such an emotional minefield that trying to work through that in the midst of the overdose and their son's health issues might have seemed to be way too much. And, truth be told, the thought of calling you might never have crossed their minds: they might have just been responding to the immediate crisis as best they could.

As to your son: I think the first thing you have to accept is that he is an addict. Addicts are notoriously manipulative and very often spend tons of energy dumping their problems on other people. People in the recovery industry say that addicts are emotionally frozen at the age they were when they started using---which means many addicts are emotionally just young teens, with all the drama and manipulations that early adolescence often brings. Addicts often seek to suck other people dry, emotionally and financially and logistically. These behaviors are all symptoms of the disease.

You didn't make your son into an addict. He did that to himself. But you do need to make sure you're not enabling him or helping him to continue down the path of his disease. And you need to be protecting your own well-being. (Love shouldn't hurt!). Can I suggest that you attend a few meetings at Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, which are support groups for families of addicts? You may find a lot of help putting boundaries around his interactions with you that help both you and he built a positive, supportive relationship that is more emotionally fulfilling for both of you.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Boulderbabe is right...addicts can be very manipulative and dishonest. Do what you can to protect your heart.

As to why the a-parents didn't contact you, I can only imagine that things were so chaotic that it may not have occurred to them. I know that sounds harsh, but I remember when my twins had pneumonia within a couple of weeks of each other at 18 months old, I didn't automatically think of calling their birthmom. My hands were pretty full with taking care of two very sick little girls. I realize, of course, that your situation is different...in that you're in reunion and you've reached out to your son's parents...but I wanted to share my perspective.

I hope that you're able to develop and close and healthy realationship with your son. That probably can't happen, though, until he chooses to be clean.

Big hugs to you!

[kelceesmom]

Sorry to hear of your pain. As an adoptive parent if I were new into the reunion part, which I think 8 months is still new, I probably would not have contacted you either. At least not until later.

As for your son. Addicts will do anything to make a situation about them. Why your son hung up on you, you might never know. Having gone through my husbands recovery from alcohol, your son might not even be telling you the truth about what actually happened.

All I can say is keep praying, guard your heart some and let him make the next move. Only he can really help himself. Good luck.

[DianeS]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

when I suggested that I come to some arrangement with his amom about contacting me in these instances, he hung up.

As someone else pointed out, your son is an addict. And a fact of life of being an addict is that most of them lie - a lot.

Besides what your son has told you, what proof do you have that his parents know anything about you? Do they even have your phone number? (Letters can easily "disappear" from mailboxes.) Your son moans about his aparents to you - what has he said about you to his aparents? His behavior on the phone after his overdose seems to suggest that he himself has NO interest in his bmother meeting his aparents - perhaps because he's not being honest with either of you? If you met, you could easily figure out if he's been lying to you both.

It's fairly easy for one adult to manipulate other adults into thinking badly of each other. He told you his afather didn't come to the hospital because he can't handle medical stuff - do you have verified proof of that (both of the lack of attendance and the possible reason if he truly didn't come). It's possible that's a lie. And it's possible he told his aparents the same thing about you. It's possible nobody was at the hospital, because he may not have allowed anybody to be called. Heck, it's even possible that there was no overdose at all, but rather a good story that he hoped to use to get some sympathy (and possibly some money).

I know I'm jumping to a LOT of possible conclusions here, but my point is simply that they're all possible. When you're dealing with an addict, it's important to not really believe them in most things. Believe concrete evidence, rather than words. All words can, and possibly should, be suspect.

I know this came out rather blunt, maybe someone else can word it better.

You know, there's a group similar to AA that's for the family and close friends of addicts. I totally forget the name - does anyone know what I"m talking about? THEY would be a wonderful resource for you, in helping you to stay in touch with him if you choose, but in keeping yoruself from feeling like such an emotional punching bag.

Hang in there. {{{HUGS}}}

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by DianeS

As someone else pointed out, your son is an addict. And a fact of life of being an addict is that most of them lie - a lot.

Besides what your son has told you, what proof do you have that his parents know anything about you? Do they even have your phone number? (Letters can easily "disappear" from mailboxes.) Your son moans about his aparents to you - what has he said about you to his aparents? His behavior on the phone after his overdose seems to suggest that he himself has NO interest in his bmother meeting his aparents - perhaps because he's not being honest with either of you? If you met, you could easily figure out if he's been lying to you both.

It's fairly easy for one adult to manipulate other adults into thinking badly of each other. He told you his afather didn't come to the hospital because he can't handle medical stuff - do you have verified proof of that (both of the lack of attendance and the possible reason if he truly didn't come). It's possible that's a lie. And it's possible he told his aparents the same thing about you. It's possible nobody was at the hospital, because he may not have allowed anybody to be called. Heck, it's even possible that there was no overdose at all, but rather a good story that he hoped to use to get some sympathy (and possibly some money).

I know I'm jumping to a LOT of possible conclusions here, but my point is simply that they're all possible. When you're dealing with an addict, it's important to not really believe them in most things. Believe concrete evidence, rather than words. All words can, and possibly should, be suspect.

I know this came out rather blunt, maybe someone else can word it better.

You know, there's a group similar to AA that's for the family and close friends of addicts. I totally forget the name - does anyone know what I"m talking about? THEY would be a wonderful resource for you, in helping you to stay in touch with him if you choose, but in keeping yoruself from feeling like such an emotional punching bag. Hang in there. {{{HUGS}}}

Thanks for all the replies, I knew you guys wouldn't let me down. Its 3am where I live and I can't sleep (guess what) and the replies have been very comforting and reassuring, as I honest to heck feel like giving up. I feel so small and insignificant and impotent. There was his amom holding his hand whilst he nearly died and I was unaware of anything and relegated to "being informed" even by my son. I couldn't find hardly anything to say, and I don't think I was suitably moved for him, which is probably part of the reason why he hung up, but he did this to me back in Sept. He sent an email after I'd ask for a bit of time out for a month saying "death is coming" and I totally and utterly freaked out. I phoned his aparents (answer machine) and left a message as to what is going on please? and with his adad (ditto on his mobile, which was left on the answer machine) and neither of them phoned, it was my son (you know I feel like I should keep saying Their Son, thats how impotent I feel, as if I'm interrupting their lives) who phoned and gave me hell as though I was some big fuddy duddy. For 3 days I went funny in the head and my/our son realised I'd freaked out and he'd pushed me way too far. He was only contrite when I told him his emails were automatically deleted, leave me alone, I'd had it with him. Wow, I went into meltdown and it took me over a week to calm down.

As you mention, how do I know if he's telling the truth? Well I phoned A&E (accident & emergency) the same night of hearing this awful news - I still had the phone number from the time mentioned above of thinking he'd killed himself and they verified that it was true, someone of that name was admitted and discharged the next day. I couldn't get much more information about it, as I wanted reassurance that he was ok and not likely to collapse days later and die later (oh my, the thought of it). He's told me that one of the reasons he's freaked out about adoption is because his parents are so disimilar from him - he's emotional (like me) and wears his heart on his sleeve, they keep their feelings to themselves. Why anyone would adopt a child and then put them in boarding school speaks volumes to me. I know his amum (and to me they are both his parents and she is his mum, I'm .... well, who am I? I don't know where I fit into all of this, late on the scene bmom I guess) saw a letter from me to him (read it without his permission apparently) and insisted that he phone me straight away and that kinda reached my heart, because she was thinking of my feelings and he phoned, when I thought things were cooling off and he was pulling back for the Nth time. Classic stage of reunion, but I only learned the hard way about it, I wish I'd come across Julie Bailey's book about surviving reunion before this tore my heart out. I know he's told me that he argues with his mum morning noon and night and wanted me to follow same, no way, forget it. Although I exploded with emotion the first time, this time, my reaction was absolutely frozen calm. I was listening to what he went through and could hardly bring myself to breathe. Heart rate 225/min, black legs, fingers curling, unable to breathe, hallucinating, organ collapse......The worst was he phoned me early that morning to warn me that worse was to come and an hour and a half later when he phoned again and told me what had happened, I just didn't react. I think that may have been why/some of why he put the phone down, he just didn't get a reaction from me, except utter calm (I believe in prayer and I'd asked for help in that prayer before he phoned me back to tell me the terrible news). Well I just had to get that off my chest, thanks for listening. Thanks for the suggestions, I will contact the organisation you mention. Although my friends have been wonderfully supportive, it's just not quite the same as hearing it from you who KNOW, put you all together and friends, this website is formidable. Thanks again.