[Jordan's bmom]

Originally Posted by evildishrag

I told them separately, son 16 first. I was most worried about telling him for a couple of reasons. He 'was' my firstborn and I didn't want him to feel less special knowing that I'd had a baby before him, that he really wasn't my first. Also since he's a boy and my firstborn was a boy, I thought he might no longer feel like my 'number 1 son' which I often called him.

One thing that made me laugh was when he asked do you know who the dad is? Do I know? Of course I know, you're watching too much Maury!

.

I had similar worries about my boy feeling he was no longer my "only baby boy" as I called him. He was also 16 when bson made contact. --- I got a laugh out of your son's question. When I asked my son if he wanted to go to our initial reunion meeting, he first asked if bson listened to rap music. Because he doesn't get along with people who don't listen to rock-N-roll. I laughed and told him I'd find out. Turns out that bson listens to rock - N - roll. Now almost a year later, I'm finding out there isn't much difference between the boys, they're both just like their bfather!

[longingtomeetyou]

i was wondering when is a good time to share with my kids about my daughter whos adopted out.....

i feel that i want to wait until i see if daughter wants contact because i want to spare my kids the pain of what ive been feeling.....

my daughter keeps asking for a sister.....its so funny i just want to say YOU HAVE A SISTER!!!!!!!! but i dont at least for now......

i dont want to break her heart .....NO WAY!


i would like to hear from people who have already done this and how it went for you....

seeing as i have a picture now ......
ive been saying they are missionaries and we should pray for them.......
but i havent shared anything else yet......

[evildishrag]

My son was 16 and daughter was 10 when I told them about their older brother. Contact had been made, pictures were being exchanged and the time 'felt' right. I was able to answer their questions to some degree rather than 'we'll just wait and see'. Some people had criticized me for not telling them over the years but my reasoning was 'how would they possibily benefit or feel more secure by that knowledge?' Another concern well-meaning people had was 'what if they find out?'. Well, if they found out I would have explained it to them then. It worked out wonderfully waiting until we could all be in touch with my bson.

[longingtomeetyou]

how did your kids respond to you telling them?
did they look happy confused?

did they have lots of questions....

honestly do you think it benefitted them by telling them?

[InBlindFaith]

My adoption counselor suggested I tell my daughter when she is 5...well, I thought that was too young with everything going on with her and the ex.

She begs to be a sister and I want so bad to tell her, she is 7 now. I talked to her therapist about it, she said right now is not a good time since she is working through some issues with her father (long, long story). Her recommendation to me was to wait until after my DH adopts her (hopefully...soon) or when DD decides to make contact or wait until she is about 10 or 11.

I am concerned that my younger DD will take it personally that her Big Sister doesn't come around. All of the questions relating to why she doesn't come around or call will break my heart.

So that's where I'm at with this...impatiently waiting!!

[Jordan's bmom]

Wow! My son used to say the same thing about wanting a brother. I know how you feel, you want to tell her but... I didn't tell my son about his brother until Jordan contacted me for reunion. My son was then 16. It was a rollercoaster of emotions in a very short period of time. He was angry that I never told him. He was angry that I "gave him away" He was hurt that he never knew him. He was confused about why My ex and I had him so soon after placing, and finally he was excited to have a brother and now 11 months later, they couldn't be more like brothers if they knew eachother all along. Their relationship is probably closer than my relationship with bson. I guess it's a personal preference when to tell your subsequent children. A friend of mine had birth pix of her relinqished son and her other children just grew up knowing they had a brother that mommy gave to another family who couldn't have children. She disagreed with my decision to tell Billy about Jordan, but it was my decision. I just felt that he was too young to understand what adoption really meant and as he got older it just got harder to think of a reason to dump that kind of emotion on him as he entered his teen years. I guess you'll know when it's right and for me that time was when Jordan made first contact. Good luck

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by longingtomeetyou

how did your kids respond to you telling them?
did they look happy confused?

did they have lots of questions....

honestly do you think it benefitted them by telling them?

I told them separately, son 16 first. I was most worried about telling him for a couple of reasons. He 'was' my firstborn and I didn't want him to feel less special knowing that I'd had a baby before him, that he really wasn't my first. Also since he's a boy and my firstborn was a boy, I thought he might no longer feel like my 'number 1 son' which I often called him. I said something like hey, I have something pretty heavy to talk to you about... before I met your dad and before you were born, I had a baby that I gave up for adoption. That baby is now an 18 year old guy. He asked where he was and I told him about making contact and showed him current photos. We chatted for awhile and he was not confused or upset at all, he was very surprised and happy. One thing that made me laugh was when he asked do you know who the dad is? Do I know? Of course I know, you're watching too much Maury!

My daughter was 10 when I told her, a few months after I told my son. She's quite familiar with the concept of adoption, many family friends have adopted and one was a birthmom in reunion so she had some firsthand observations in all things adoption. I basically told her the same thing I told my son and she was totally fine. The first thing she said was "can I talk to him" so I gave her his email address and she wrote him within minutes. "Hi my name is your sister Paige and I'm 10 years old and I like spongebob...".

This is exactly why I waited for contact BEFORE telling them. It would not have been beneficial to tell them sooner, not before there was something they could 'do' about this news.

Hope this helps.

[Scorpio66]

I did not tell my son until I received contact information from the adad. I figured I would not tell him until there was something to tell, as I had no info about her excet her B-day and adoption date. My son is 14, and I received contact info about 3 weeks ago, at which time I explained to him that I had surrendered my daughter for adoption almost 5 years before he was born. I explained to him that I never told him until now, because there was nothing else I could say. I told him her name, where she lives and what I have found out about her. He was completely cool about it all and told me that he understood why I never said anything until now. He is so excited to find out he does have a sister (as he is being raised an only child) and his biggest question is will he ever get to meet her. I explained to him that I can't answer that question, as I myself don't even know yet, and even though it wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, he accepts it. When her adad sent me a picture, I showed it to my son and all he had to say was "She doesn't look like you, but she has your face!" She has brown hair, brown eyes and is olive complected, he and I are both blond, blue and fair skinned.
You will know in your heart when it is the right time to tell about your bdaughter. Good Luck with everything!

[Patty-cake]

My feelings were simular to yours (Rebeckah's Mom)n that when my son was growing up I felt that he did not need share the pain that I felt in looling his half sister. Of course when she was placed I was given no hope of reuniting except the fact that I had told a one week infant to come back to me someday. Friends told me that he should be told but I used my own judgement.

She contacted me when my son was thirty and that is when I told him. I asked him recently if it would have been better to have told him earlier and he told me that "it propably wouldn't have made any difference either way"

Patty

[plaintruth]

My sons knew as soon as they were old enough to complete sentences that made sense. I told them they have a brother. They have asked questions every since, and I have given them the answers, if I knew it. They have been behind me finding their brother because they know the circumstances behind losing him in the first place.

The truth is always better, to me. It keeps you from making up stories to people you love that you may not remember the details to later. It also gives you a different set of opinions and ideas. It also gives you peace of mind, and in my case, support from the ones I dearly love.

Everyone's situation is not the same. You have to ask yourself whom you would be benefitting by talking about it. Will it hurt anyone other than you? Can they help?

Don't forget to keep your faith. You raised the children that you have. Trust that you raised them well and let them make their own decisions after you tell them.

Be At Peace! Love Yourself Too!

[TexasPuppy]

I have a dd and two sons about 7 and 10 years younger . I told both of my sons when dd's 18th birthday was coming up. I had a fear of someone knocking on the door and saying "recognize me?" My boys took the info well. Asked a few questions, like if i knew where she was and would we ever meet her? It also seemed to help with birth control issues. It was something that could happen the first time. It would change your life forever. It could happen to you when you were really young. No One was immune.

Now since dd has made contact via letters, i share this info with my husband and sons, ask her questions that they have asked me, answer her questions about them, and we are all looking forward to eventually meeting.

[Cheryal]

I have never kept my first son from my second and third sons.... I have always talked about him and let the boys talk about him and ask as many questions as they wanted....the first questions were do we have the same dad as him ( the answer being no)... later on in their years they understood what the reasons were for thier brother being adopted...now at the ripe old ages of 14 and 17 they say they understand but want to meet him. I think that since I was always open with them about their brother they respect me a little bit more for it and are anxious for me to find him so they can meet him as well ... so I say tell them early in life ....but that is just my opinion.