[Jannyroo]

Has anybody found counselling helpful? If you didn't/ couldn't get counselling for whatever reason, how did you cope? I have had once a month sessions paid for by my local (government) council and had to travel 30 miles each way and have had 4 sessions over 6 months and it didn't seem enough. I feel my emotions will explode at times. How have you managed if you haven't had counselling, what works for you? I feel I would have gone demented without someone to talk to and at other times, I wondered if the adoption counsellor really understood the tsunami of emotions and anger issues that came with me? I feel I do need professional help, I don't want to criticise counsellors/ counselling, but observations/how you coped would be useful. This website is really great, and yet even this doesn't seem enough at times???? Does anyone else feel this way? My counsellor has dug up a raw point that I've buried for 28 years and now its out, I don't seem to able to get past it, and I won't be able to see anyone for a further 4 weeks. I feel I need to have someone on hand/meet??? I haven't read any books on the subject or reunion, but as from tomorrow I am going to try and order from my local library.

[Patty-cake]

I have been in therapy and taking medication since reunion two years ago. At the end of each session I set the next sometimes a week apart sometimes a month. I have not found peace. My theripist has given me advise that has kept me from making my situation worse but no one can undo what has been done.

[Jordan's bmom]

I have been in reunion for almost 9 months. I haven't had any counseling but sometimes think I need it. I find myself struggling to find my role in bson's life. I know I'm jealous when amom is around. The evening before he went to the prom he was having trouble with his flower, both amom and I rushed over to help him. It was very awkward. I get jealous when I hear him call her mom. When he talks about me to my son that I raised he always says "your mom". I miss him more now than before reunion. I want to pretend that the past 18 yrs has dissolved and he's mine again. I want to say "thanks aparents, I'll take it from here" Am I nuts? I don't express these anxiety's to anyone but my husband who assures me, they are normal feelings and as long as I don't let them interfere with bson's well being everything will be fine. I am mature enough to know that I can't expect bson to call me mom or even have him feel like I'm a mother to him. He's only known me 9 months. I am basically a stranger. But there is that little part of me who wants to be a selfish brat and have it all. Are these similar issues to what you are dealing with?

[Patty-cake]

My daughter is a lot older than your son. I told my therapist that I have accepted that I'm not her mom...but in my heart she will always be my daughter. She said that is normal. Since your son is still young it will be hard to fight trying to be a mom. Good luck! I know you feel cheated but to me it is wonderful that you got to be there on Prom Night.

[longingtomeetyou]

interesting topic.......



ive been thinking alot lately about getting into counseling with an adoption counseling service......

technically speaking i didnt go through counseling in regards to my adoption......the thing is i would break down and cry everytime i would think about my daughter.........

the way i got through was to not think about her.......thats pretty much it.....


lately its been so bad cause ive been thinking about her daily ......


so ive been contemplating counseling....

[Jordan's bmom]

Originally Posted by Patty-cake

I know you feel cheated but to me it is wonderful that you got to be there on Prom Night.

I do feel a little cheated but I also know that his placement was my decision. I am grateful for every moment I have with him. I thank God and know I'm blessed that he is back in my life. I hope I didn't come across as a spoiled brat who wants it all regardless of aparent's or bson's feelings. I was just expressing my deepest secrets. I would never expect more than what I have. And I know that I have a lot more contact with bson than a lot of reunited bparents. Seeing him go off to the prom was incredible and I also got a ticket to his graduation. We talk and visit almost weekly. My biggest joy, though, is watching 1st and 2nd son bond as brothers. Jordan considers my son his brother. They are forging a great relationship. My 2nd son, who is 17, never knew he had a brother until 9 months ago. So yeah, I'm totally appreciative of all that God has allowed to happen in my life recently.

[Patty-cake]

No you didn't appear like a spoiled brat. I just wish I had been able to see my dd at her Prom.

Back to the subject at hand- I'd like to expand on my previous post. I like a lot of others tried hard to avoid thinking about the adoption until I got a letter from my dd 33 years later. While answering seemingly endless questions via e-mail I was averaging only 3 hours of sleep a night thinking and crying over the past. After about 6 weeks I got sleeping pills and was able to sleep for about 5 hours a night. I declined counciling at that time thinking I'd be okay once I saw her,

When dd came to my home she brought my file from the maturnity home/
adoption agency. I'm glad that she did. It was interesting and validating if you read between the lines.

It was wonderful seeing her and worth every second of sleep that I lost She is a lovely girl and she brought her husband and baby but it was hard to let her go.

I started therapy because it was sooo hard to let go- and because reviewing all the events and issues of the adoption as an adult raised new feelings of anger and questions in my own mind. I decided that I wasn't going to swallow it all this time. It is a good thing that I started therapy when I did - because shortly after my daughter started pulling away. I was heart-broken and felt inadaquate once again. My therapist has helped me to deal with this stuff. I'm not done with therapy yet but I am feeling better about myself and am finding ways to forgive (prayer helps a lot also) and deal the past. I have avoided driving my dd crazy persuing her but I am taking little steps toward starting a friendship with her.

Some days are better than others but it would be worse without help.

[Jordan's bmom]

"I am feeling better about myself and am finding ways to forgive (prayer helps a lot also) and deal the past."


Forgiveness is necessary for healing, as is prayer. I will keep you in my prayers and wish all the best with your growing relationship with your dd.

[missmyboy]

Hi all,

I've never used a chat room or forum but I placed my beautiful baby boy for adoption in Ireland in 1984, closed adoption.

I was lucky to get a couple of pic when he was six,
We now write but have not met yet and I feel as if the grief has consumed and is still consuming half my life, the other half the half everyone sees is quite happy! I am so tired of hiding the pain and loss and hate it when asked if I have Kids, I aways think of him and say no and weep inside

Can anyone tell me dose the sense of loss ever go away.

Thanks This realy is a great site and I only found it last night

[InBlindFaith]

Well, it's been a little over 18 years for me. I still have a void in my heart, it hasn't gone away for me. All I can do now is patiently wait and focus my anxious energy on other things, like putting together a scrapbook for my first daughter.

This board has been great help to me. It's a wonderful to finally know that I am not alone.

[Patty-cake]

I don't want to make anyone more depressed but it's been 35 years 9 months and 21 days and I still feel
the loss.

I know what you mean about when people ask if you have children. They ask me about grandchildren. My goal has been to reach a point where I can talk about it without bursting into tears. I may get there yet. I want to feel "normal"- but let's face it this isn't a "normal" human experience.

I have come to the conclusion that
once again I must redirect my thoughts in order to resume my usual life. However, I will continue with therapy and coming to this site where people understand and tears are normal. We pray for each other and are given the strength to go on.

[InBlindFaith]

Oh Patty-cake, you didn't make me more depressed. It's been 18 years for me so I kind of figured it won't be going away. Thankfully we have each other here, people who understand.

[Juleen]

Hi, I am having counselling at the moment, I am not too sure yet what I am getting out of it but I do feel I am getting something, if that makes sense!! There are some great books out there, Iwill try to get some of the titles I read for you later today, this is a great site for support and I am glad I have found it.
Hope you are feeling better

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

Has anybody found counselling helpful? If you didn't/ couldn't get counselling for whatever reason, how did you cope? I have had once a month sessions paid for by my local (government) council and had to travel 30 miles each way and have had 4 sessions over 6 months and it didn't seem enough. I feel my emotions will explode at times. How have you managed if you haven't had counselling, what works for you? I feel I would have gone demented without someone to talk to and at other times, I wondered if the adoption counsellor really understood the tsunami of emotions and anger issues that came with me? I feel I do need professional help, I don't want to criticise counsellors/ counselling, but observations/how you coped would be useful. This website is really great, and yet even this doesn't seem enough at times???? Does anyone else feel this way? My counsellor has dug up a raw point that I've buried for 28 years and now its out, I don't seem to able to get past it, and I won't be able to see anyone for a further 4 weeks. I feel I need to have someone on hand/meet??? I haven't read any books on the subject or reunion, but as from tomorrow I am going to try and order from my local library.

Since I started this thread, I have received help from social services (UK) and they have found me another counsellor, not from the UK based organisation they were using, but a private counsellor who apparently is specialised in dealing with birthmums. I saw her in mid October and she is absolutely brilliant, and letting me get things off my chest without interrupting me. I think I spent the first hour crying my heart out, but I really felt things improved. So the message is, don't be afraid to change counsellors if you need to. I also have read the book the survival guide to Adoption and Reunion by Julie Bailey and its been so helpful, also, posting on this forum has been great and I've had a lot of help from one member in particularly who has emailed me direct. Keep expressing your feelings, good or bad, counsellor (if possible) and this forum. I try not to get too bogged down with it all and not "saturate" myself with adoption issues, but from time to time, I respond to others on this and a UK based forum (After Adoption Home Page) but my honest opinion, nothing beats this forum, period. My son is responding well after a gut wrenching few months after reunion and everything has settled down, me included. So, a rainbow after the storm and darkness of unsettled emotions. Wishing you love and all the best who read this thread.

[josh1788smom]

I have thought about talking to someone. Actually, I would like to talk to my preacher. I have issues with this whole thing. In my case, I feel that the adoptive parents (my dad's cousins - I am not against all adoptive parents) coveted my baby.

They interfered where they saw an opportunity to become parents. They broke on of the Top Ten. Thou shalt not covet. They coveted. Do they get to confess - (if they even believe they coveted) and it is all ok for them. I'm thinking eternal burning in h-e-double hockey sticks - but maybe that is harsh. It's just something I would like to discuss with my preacher.

I do not mean to offend anyone who does not follow my personal beliefs and am not trying to project them on others.

I'd have to say the reunion thing has brought up more of those past feelings and frustrations. I've done a great job repressing for the past 18 years.