[hippichik413]

I placed my son up for adoption through an adoption attorney. Last month after his 18th birthday I contacted the attorney to try to establish contact with my son. The attorney said he contacted the adoptive family and that they would talk to my son about wether he wanted to meet me. I know it's only been a month but I haven't heard anything. I don't even know if the family told my son I was looking for him. Is there anything else I can do?

[hello&goodbye]

No. All you can do is wait, and heal on your own. He may take years to come around, 18 is awfully young, you need to give him time.

[InBlindFaith]

Be patient. I'm in the same boat as you. I have been registering with Adoption Registries. I am making sure I am out there so my birth daughter can easily find me, when she is ready.

[adoptionsearchblog2]

It is not accurate that you have no other options. There is a great deal that you can do if you choose to. However, it is up to you whether you trust the attorney and want to wait or not. Do you have contact information for the adoptive parents? You could approach them directly if you want to, or possibly your son. If not, you might want to try to find out further info.

Do you trust this attorney completely? Is there any doubt in your mind that he told the adoptive parents? Unless you hear directly from your son that he does not want contact, I would not assume that this is the case.

[hippichik413]

If my son is not ready to meet me I would never push the issue with him. As much as I hate waiting, I would wait till the end of time if I had to. When I put him up for adoption I was told I couldn't find him until he was 18 (leading me to believe records would be opened so I could get his contact information). Now that the time has come I'm told all I can do is have the attorney let the family know I want contact. I feel jipped. He's my child. I've waited 18 years for him. I at least should be able to know his name, see a picture of him, know that he's healthy and happy. I know nothing right now, other than the attorneys name. Is there any way to find out any information?

[adoptionsearchblog2]

I am not advising you to try to force the issue with your son. I agree that isn't a good idea. What I am saying is that until you hear from him personally that he is not ready for contact; you cannot know for certain how he feels.

His adoptive parents may tell him that you want contact, or they may not. Same with the attorney, he may tell the adoptive parents that you want contact or not.

What state did your son's adoption occur in? Some states are much easier to find out info than others. Does your state allow you to get non-id info?

Couldn't agree with you more than you should at least know how your son is trying.

[hippichik413]

The adoption was in KS, where I still live. And I know at the time the adoptive family lived somewhere in KS also. I don't know what my state allows. I'm at a loss. I don't know know what information I can find out and from where? I don't know where to start. All these years I thought it was going to be an easy call to the attorney, but he won't tell me anything.

[Angelwings2002]

Waiting isn't an easy thing to do. I waited for 3 yrs to reconnect with my daughter. I made the initial contact via her aparents. After she turned 18 and graduated High school I directly approached her. I figured it was HER decision now.

We emailed from March of 03 till June of 03 than everything stopped. SHE WASN'T READY. She completely shut down. She married and moved to another state.

I sat back and waited. Praying every day that she would contact me. All the praying and tears finally paid off this past April when I recieved a phone call from her. We had a wonderful week together and are still in constant contact.

I use to HATE hearing people tell me " you have to sit back and wait" "she's young give her time" .

Now I am glad I sat back and waited as hard as it was.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I would not advise you to try to go directly to the child just because they are 18. It's still very young. Even if it's just to find out if they really don't want to- if they don't, that extra push from you before they are ready will likely push them further away or anger the aparents. Do you have a legal right to go to the child directly after they are 18? Yes. Will it produce the best result or fastest reunion? Probably not.

Do your best to make the aparents your friends and allies because it will be much easier on the child if you do. Make sure you've made every attempt to work with them before you go around them, then your conscience will be clear and they will have no reason to resent or fear you.

In the meantime, make yourself easy to find. If the child wants to find you, they will when they are ready. The internet makes it so easy, if you want to be found. Or wait a few more years before you contact the child directly. You are more likely to have a successful reunion at 21 than at 18. In the meantime maybe you can send a letter to the attorney to forward to the aparents letting them you know you would welcome contact and hope for pictures or information even if the child is not ready yet. Give them your contact information and send your love. It may take more than a month for them (including your child) to really digest it all, be resolved and ready to take any action.

God bless you as navigate whatever lies ahead.

[hello&goodbye]

Angelwings I love your quote!!!!

[hippichik413]

Thank you for the support and ideas. I think I'll try the letter to his aparents. I really don't want them to see me as a threat. And I don't want to scare him anymore than he probably already is. MAN waiting for him really sucks! But.. I can be tough and resign myself to wait as long as needed.

[InBlindFaith]

Keep us updated on the response from the aparents.

I have been seriously thinking about sending a letter to my daughters aparents. I would like to do it while my daughter is away at college, that way there is no pressure for her. I would like to get to know the people who so lovingly opened their hearts and home to our adopted angel.

My fingers are crossed that you will get a positive and warm response from the aparents!!

I don't like this waiting either, but I have waited 18 years so far, the next three should be a cake walk...I hope!

[maddyboosmom]

Kansas is an open records state. You need to contact the county clerks office where the adoption was filed. Ask to speak to post adoption services...When you reach them, tell them you are wanting to get a copy of the adoption decree. They will send you the paperwork, and you fill out as much as you can, and send it back.

I was adopted in KS in 1973, and I got a copy of my original adoption decree containing both my birthparents name, and my legal name change. Everything I needed was there.

The total process will take you about 3 weeks or so! You do NOT need your attorney.

Good Luck!

Maddyboosmom

[hippichik413]

Thank you so much for that information. I'm calling the county clerk now. I still don't want to pressure my son to meet me, but just knowing where he is would be such a comfort

[hippichik413]

Just got off the phone with the county clerks office. They can only release information to the adoptee or adoptive parents. Records are closed to the birth family. I thought that was how it was, but I got my hopes up for a minute. Well I'll wait.. a day a year a lifetime.