[mom2alex]

Just wondering if there are any birthparents out there that CHOSE to have a closed adoption? My guess is that (for the most part) if you are on an adoption website, you probably wouldn't have chosen a closed adoption (but who I am for making that assumption).

Anyway, my daughter was born 6/27/03. I still find myself looking over the pages of her original placement papers. It is kinda like opening the fridge to see what is in there even though you already know. It's like you have this hope in the back of your mind that you will find something new or something you previously missed. So, I flip through and read each word and letter over and over, trying to gain just a bit more information and understanding, desperately grasping for what I may be missing...a connection to them. But there are so few answers. I read the lines describing the type of adoption both my daughters birthparents requested, "Closed...no contact". The words sting, it feels like such rejection. I wonder how anyone could want NO contact regarding their birthchild.

In the days following the birth, we were delighted that both had reconsidered and did want pictures an updates. So for the past 10 months, I have faithfully and eagerly sent dozens of pictures and letters. Though the agency reports b.mom is so happy to get them (bdad stopped picking his up after only 3 months), we haven't heard anything directly from them. We have made ourselves very accessible by including our last names, addresses, e-mails, phone numbers, etc. We have made offers to see Alex anytime they choose (even offering to pay their travel), yet we hear nothing. I wonder what they are like and what they sound like. I wonder why they don't want to meet us or see Alex. I wonder about their lives. I miss them. I know it sounds crazy to miss two people you've never met....but I do.

I know they care, but I feel so "cheated" that Alex won't have them as part of her life and of ours. I try so hard to reason why they don't want contact, but I just can't. I would give anything for just one letter from them, or just one meeting (but I suppose that would probably just leave me wanting more). I think about them ever day and ask myself the same questions. After not hearing anything at Christmas time, I tried to convince myself to let go.....but again, I just can't. Now that Birthmother's Day is next week and Alex's 1st birthday is approahing I find myself even more discouraged about it as it sometimes obsesses my thoughts. I am secretly hoping that we will hear something, anything. I pray the day is marked by even just a simple card of acknowledgement, but fear it will not be.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess no one holds the answers I'm looking for but them. I guess I am just clinging to anything. I think I also need to make some decisions about my part. After her birthday, I may decide to drop contact to a bit less often. As it stands now, I send things every month plus on special occassions. It is just too much and it takes over my life sometimes.

[NCMom]

Our Son's Birthmother (or rather her new husband) closed our open adoption last year. They even went so far to send back all the pictures and keepsakes we had given her. Talk about a slap in the face. We do however, still keep in touch with her Mom, and continue to save things for her in case she changes her mind. The only explanation is that "L" wants to get on with her life and "put all the ugliness behind her" OUCH. I hate that she thinks of her son and us as "Ugliness". But our son was the product of a violent relationship, and I am trying to be sensitive to her, and that maybe it's just too painful for her to deal with.

We are embarking on a second open adoption, and I tell "M" all the time. "Hey, if it gets too painful for you, or you need some space, please please please, lets talk about it and just don't pull the plug. I don't know if I could go through that again.

I have no idea why your daughter's birthparents chose to keep it closed. But I know hearts and minds do change on these matters. I think it's wonderful that you care so much about your daughters birthparents and I would encourage you to keep your information updated in case they do.

I know that feeling of need to be affirmed by your childs birthparents. Affirmation from the birthparents that they are at peace with their decision, and that they know in their hearts that you love and are taking good care of their child is HUGE for me. I don't know if I could feel like a real parent and "Entitled" to parent without it.

As far as my 3 yr old in concerned, I have my memories of her and those sweet, unselfish affirmations. If that's all I will have to share with our son, then I guess that's God's will.

I'll be praying for a change of heart for your daughters birthparents.

Laura

[Mommy2amiracle]

We are in the same boat as you are, Sue!

Our ds' birthparents chose a closed adoption also, but we send updates to his file just in case they ever want to know him. I understand when you say that you "miss" your daughter's birthparents. It feels like a piece of the equation is missing. For our part, we were able to piece together ds' birthmother's name and city of origin. We will give this information to our son in the future so he can chose to search or not and God willing, he won't be rejected!!

I'm glad to know that there are others out there in the same situation. Sometimes, it feels so lonely when everyone else seems to have an open relationship with their child's birthparents

Take Care!

Debbie

[PinkRibbon]

I have a friend who had her mother's boyfriend's baby at age 11 which was given up for adoption in a closed adoption. Under no circumstances does she want her biochild to ever find her because of the trauma it would cause. Afterwards she was adopted and got a new last name so there's likely no way that her biochild could ever find her. Although I understand where she's coming from, I wish that she would update and give medical information (even though there is nothing to tell), but as her friend I can also see why she doesn't.
Sometimes the answer to the why question might be the unfathomable

[crystalanne]

12 years ago, I placed my son through a closed adoption. I was able to pick his family from a number of bios, and was required to receive photos of him throughout his first year. I was also able to give his parents a letter, sharing non-identifying information about myself, give him a letter as well, gave him a present at birth and am able to update and leave pictures in a file for him at the agency. His family is also able to update pictures and letters in my file if they choose. I choose a closed adoption for one main reason. Personally, I didn't want to see someone else raising my child. I admire people with open adoptions or have adoptions with contact, as little as it may be, I just couldn't do that. It's not that I don't want to ever see my son again, or had a tramatic exeperience surrounding his birth, again it's just that I couldn't have contact with him and wonder why I wasn't able to raise him myself. I am an adoptee of a closed adoption and was recently reunited with my birthmother a few years ago. I know the importance of leaving behind a legacy, so I have a paper trail that would allow my son to find me if he wishes. As my medical history gets filled in better than what I knew at the time of his birth, I update it as well.

Looking at many of the post around the boards and with open adoption becoming much more acceptable, I am feeling at times like I am the only one who has gone willing through a closed adoption. But I know I choose this path because it was best for me and in turn making best for my son and his parents. I never regret my decision and even now with my son still being a minor, do not wish for more contact. I want him to live his life to the fullest and then if he chooses to seek me out, I will wecome him into my life, but for me, that has to be his choice. Again, this is what was and is right for me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that all birthmothers experience adoption in different ways but one, as good as the benefits are to placing a child for adoption, there is also the emotional tormoral of giving up that child, and many times, seeing that child growing up brings back that pain. The pain never truly goes away, but does lessen, and for me I believe see in my child, even in pictures growing up, would keep that pain fresh and never allow me to heal.

Again this is just my personal experience and we as birthmothers are all different. But I hope this helps in some why to try to explain why some birthparents are reluctant to have that contact.

Crystal Anne
Reuntied adoptee with bmom 2001
Birthmom 11/13/91

[matri]

I personally am a birthmom in an open adoption. And while I feel that was the best choice for me there have been times when I have limited my contact with the afamily. I think that there is a certain type of pain that comes with seeing "your child" call someone else mommy, or seeing pictures of them experiencing all these important milestones with someone else. I personally backed away a bit from the aparents when my daughter was about a year old b/c I just couldn't bear to visit or see pictures anymore. All the tears and the doubts resurfacing on a regular basis made it nearly impossible to function. I knew me visiting and crying the whole times was not what I wanted for my daughter, I didn't want to cause that kind of stress. I have since renewed my contact with the afamily through pictures and letters and ocassional visits. But I am careful not to overwhelm myself like I did in the beginning. Afterall, this is a lifelong relationship. For some bparents I assume that it is just easier to suppress the pain and the loss instead of regularly comfronting it. I would say that while I am sorry that you are so stressed with this and that it's hurting you that there is really no way to "fix" the situation. Pain (and fear of pain) can make us all do things that others just can not comprehend. Just try and remember that while these children bring you such joy and fulfillment and you want the best possible situation for them...you can't control the bparents. And maybe it is a blessing in disguise that they have the forsight to know that contact with your family is not what would be best for all involved. You have to believe that they also want the best for the children they placed and this could be what they feel is best. JMO. I think it is wonderful that you are still trying and including them and how important you feel they are to your and your family's lives and I pray that they will realize what a blessing that really is!! Wishing you the best!!

[thisisapain]

Hi! I just wrote a reply, pressed a button and gone! Here goes again! Here are my feelings:

Well, I was adopted in a closed adoption and am greatful. To me an open adoption is similar to a divorced relationship. The child feels the tug from one parent to another. I don't think us humans can be unhuman enough to contain ourselves emotionally. Birthmom's may not want to "let go" and the Adoptive Mother's aren't given the freedom to be a Mom on their own and have that constant reminder that keeps them from feeling like they can't have their "own" child. I don't think I could handle the emotional surroundings and have a healthy family relationship. I wonder if it would keep me from concentrating on school, activities etc like a normal family w/o the "other" mother or if it would overshadow everything.

Fortunately I was blessed to have great adoptive parents and their Marriage still going strong after 43 yrs. They were greatly involved in my upbringing and are terrific grandparents today. Not all adoptees are fortunate in that way. Just having two stable parents these days is more important than anything else. For that reason, before I got married, I made clear that Divorce is not in our vocabulary. (that's a whole other issue, of course)

Sure, I'm curious, but from what I've read a birth mom in a reunion ends up being just a friend (which is nice) but the A Mom is always your "real" Mom.

I was reading a book one time about someone who looked at their Adoptive parents and grandparents - and felt they weren't "their" family. Sure I can think that also, but If I did that, then I would feel empty like I had no one. (I had to put that book down)

Well, that's my insight.
Good Luck and God Bless you all.
Holly

[KnightChick86]

Ma'am my birthmother had a closed adoption because that was what the law was, i guess, in California in 1986.

[suzherm]

Originally posted by KnightChick86
Ma'am my birthmother had a closed adoption because that was what the law was, i guess, in California in 1986.

Maybe, maybe not.

I gave birth to a daughter in 1986 in Illinois. I have no idea where the adoption was finalized.

I was LEAD to believe I had chosen the family and that they would stay in contact. I was LEAD to believe if I placed in my homestate my child would be in foster care for a year or more before being "suitable" for adoption. I was LEAD to believe I HAD to place in Illinois.

I later learned I was lied to and manipulated on many counts. My point is that some bmoms place in closed adoptions without any knowledge that they had other options. I was to frightened, fearful, lonely, to know any better. I did not feel I had a right to ask. Most people made me feel like dirt and I figured they were right. If the bio dad and my own family did not want to support me, why should anyone?

Its just not right. It still makes me angry.

It is far to easy to manipulate a teenage girl that has been abandoned by friends and family, hormones raging.

Its a shame that agencies and others prey on the fear factor and intimidate young women.

[bmomsearch]

i gave my son up for adoption 18 years ago. it was a closed adoption. i was 16 and did not know that there was any other kind of adoption. i went to the lawyer and done what i was told to do. i didn't ask questions because i didn't know that i could. now i want to find the child i gave up and i don't know why. i kept telling myself that i didn't want to look for him because i didn't want to hurt his feeling or his parents feelings. i don't know what to do. the adoption took place in texas and i don't even know what the laws are for finding him.

[Montraviatommyg]

Hi,

I gave up my bson 23 years ago in closed adoption as that was the only option although I did receive one letter from his amum, it included telling me they had kept his 2nd name (adad's name) but changed his 1st name. Personally I am glad it was like that as I don't think I could have handled regular contact even by letter only as it would have been a constant reminder of the adoption. Obviously not everyone feels the same as me and we all have a right to how we feel about about open and closed adoptions.

Now 23 years on I have been in reunion with my bson since Aug 2005.

Montravia

[thisisapain]

I was re-reading some of my posts and felt the need to add a comment. I still feel the same way about my upbringing and having a closed adoption; however, now that I'm an adult I feel that I am mature enough to meet my birthmom and birthsister.

[mom2GRLC]

"Thisisapain"

Your words have REALLY touched me. I'm an adoptive Mom who adopted my foster daughter. We've had her since she was 14months old and adopted her a few months after she turned 3 and she is now 4. I've tried desperately to maintain a relationship with my childs bfamily for a year and a half now(since she signed over her rights) and it has completely taken over my whole life and on top of failing miserably at it.....It certinaly keeps me from being the mother, wife, individual I need to be.

We've just decided to only have contact through letters/pictures/video once a year.

It's comforting to hear from an adoptee that they understand how difficult and almost impossible that kind of relationship can be on everyone.

I hope my daughter understands too as she gets older. I want her to have a relatiohsip with her bfamily but i do believe we will ALL be more capable of that when she is older, rather than now and as she is growing up.

[mom2GRLC]

"mom2alex"

Wow!!! You sound just like me....we both try way to hard and care way to much!!!

I can only share with you my experience....

-slow down, take a breath and take care of your family FIRST, your child does not need all these answers(you will likley never get...and what you do get will NEVER be enough...believe me). What your child needs is YOU and YOUR FAMILY. Everything else can come later when EVERYONE feels it's the right time and everyone is able to handle it. Your childs birthmom no doubt enjoys the pictures and updates, but that doesn't mean she's ready for a relationship right now.

I would write her a friendly letter stating that if she ever feels ready for contact you'd love to hear from her and that you will continue to send pictures and updates but your schedule for doing so will change slightely to accomodate the needs of your family. Then lay out the schedule that feels comfortable for you. Like updates once, twice, three times a year or whatever you feel comfortbale with. I would offer her the minimum because you'd probably feel really bad in the future to have to cut it down some more....but adding more in the future as needed would just be an added blessing.

[carolynppk]

I am an adult adoptee from a closed adoption. I wouldn't have had it any other way, nor would my bmom, who I have reunited with. It allowed us each to go on with our lives. It allowed her to be a child still and go on and live her life, it allowed me to have one set of parents and not be torn or placed in the middle. It allowed my parents to be my parents without feeling like someone was looking over their shoulders. I truly feel like there was a lot of love there rather than feeling like being abandon. I am not of an open adoption, so I really can't speak of it, all I know is what my experiences with a closed adoption has been. I feel very blessed with how everything went, but I was very lucky and adopted by wonderful parents who were always very open about my adoption. I think it would be extremely hard and painful to be a birthmother in an open adoption. Almost like pouring salt in a wound. Just because your bmom doesn't want contact doesn't mean she doesn't care or love your child. It may be that she loves them so much she doesn't want to disrupt their lives in any way. That is how my bmom felt. SHe put me and my mom above everything. I do think that a paper trail should be left though so that when the adoptee wants to look, they can be found. I think that both open and closed adoption have their good and bad, if only there was something that was perfect, but with something so personal, so life changing, there is no "one size fits all" answer.

Carolyn