[AlishaD]

From reading this forum, I am not sure that I fit in because it is my worst nightmare that I will be found. The baby I gave up will be 18 soon and I am wondering what, if anything I should or can do to protect my privacy. Also, the birth father was just recently killed in a car accident and I am now afraid that his family, when they are through grieving will want some contact with the child, his only child. Do they have any rights in finding the baby?

My mother handled all the details of the adoption, it was closed with a state agency.

[PinkRibbon]

I believe that you have a right to your privacy. I hope that people don't judge you based on that. I do think that it would be a good idea if you gave any pertinent health information about illnesses than run in your family to the agency, because in my opinion your child has a right to know what s/he should be on the look out for.
I'm not the right person to steer you in any directions because I just don't know. I just wanted to support you

[l-thompson]

I have no idea on your rights so I can't comment on that.

As a reunited adoptee I would hope you would follow Alishas advice and be prepared to provide your relinguished child with medical information and some family history.

Not all adoptees want an ongoing relationship with their birthparents but if they have searched they certainly will have a desire to have a few questions answered. I would hope you would open your heart to give this info just so they could have a bit of closure on that aspect of their lives.

A bit of mutual respect should work both ways.

[St.Ives]

good advice from the other posters. i think your child has an ABSOLUTE right to his/ her medical history. you have no rights that are more important than that. beyond providing medical history i think you have the right to be left alone if thats what you want. the birthfathers family has a right to know his child if they want to and the child has a right to know the birthfathers family. the child has a right to have a relationship with any other extended family members--including YOUR family-- who are open to a relationship. the fact that you do not personaly want a relatonship should not interfere with that.
i am sure you would not try to interfere. but i have read many storys on this board about birthmothers who did not want contact and tryed to prevent the adoptee from contacting other family members. and i think that is very wrong. everbody has the right to make there own choice regarding contact. you have a right to no contact-- beyond provideing medical history. the rest of your family has the right to contact or not- as they wish.

[AlishaD]

I haven't really thought about the medical stuff before; that is good advice. Nothing big in my family, but maybe knowing that is nothing big would be beneficial to the child?

I wouldn't interfer, my family (my parents) feel like I do and I don't think that would change; as for him his folks live in another state and I guess if and when a relationship incurred it would not impact my life.

Thanks for not thinking I am an ogre. It was a tough decision but one that personally I never have regretted.

[dl]

I agree with the others that medical history should be provided. Not only from your family but from the bFather's family as well. I would also include the information that the bFather was killed in a car accident. May spare the young man a fruitless search.

No, I don't think you're an ogre and there are many bmothers that feel the same way. If you would be willing to share why you and your parents feel this way it might help some of the adoptees on the forum understand why their bmothers have refused contact. We see only one side here on the forum ~ the bmothers that are hoping and waiting for contact. I don't mean to upset you in any way, but you really could be helpful to some of the adoptees here on the forum, if you were to share.

Thanks ~ dl

[AlishaD]

When I decided to give the baby away; I came to terms with what that meant to me - that I was going to allow someone else to be the child's mother, to raise the child, to love the child in a different way than I loved it, because I did love it enough to choose to give it life.

Afterwards, I tried to do what I will term as repair my life. I went to college, met a wonderful man who knows, and had beautiful children with him. I think of the pain that my child appearing would cause him; he hates thinking of the hurt I felt, the abandonment. We have a wonderful life and I do not want that disturbed. I am not the same person I was then.

And yes, I am embarrassed by having a child when I was not married. Perhaps it is selfish not to want to have to explain to others or to the child why I did what I did, to relive what was an unpleasant time in my life, to explain to my children that I did something that I pray they do not do.

I have never felt empty, I have never felt like something was missing as I have read others say. I have been at peace with my decision. The only worry I have ever had is that I will be found.
Typically, that thought is not central to my life, but with the recent events I have considered it.

I would not want anyone to think that a bmom that feels as I do is cold or unfeeling. In the privacy of my prayers, I lift up my hope and desire that the child is having a wonderful life, is happy, loved and healthy.

Already this board has helped me; I see now that medical information would be helpful.

[dl]

Thank you so very much for sharing with us. I do understand your feelings. I am glad though that you also understood the importance of the medical history. As an adoptee, it's always been annoying to draw a line through medical history and write "unknown".

I can understand feeling different than what you have read here on the forum. That happens with adoptees too. I have never felt like anything was missing in my life, felt wounded, abandoned or victimized by being adopted. The forum did influence me and I did make contact with my biological family. In my case, it gave them peace of mind to know that I had been loved by my aparents and that I had a good life and was well and happy. We're exchanging letters, emails and phone calls ~ just getting to know each other.

Thanks again for sharing. I'm sure it will give a helpful perspective to some of the adoptees that have been refused a relationship.

[St.Ives]

Alisha thank you for explaining. We NEVER see birthmoms on this board who do not want to be contacted-- makes sense, because those birthmoms are not seeking suport. but thank you for talking to us and helping us understand. many adoptes on the forum have found that there birthmoms do not want contact and this is hard to understand. maybe youre prespective will be helpful to them. i do not think youre a bad person although i hope you change youre mind somday. but even if you dont i still dont think youre a bad person.
im glad you see the importance of medical history.

[maryjanek]

Alisha -- I just want to second what the others have said about your feelings being valuable to the forum. If you continue to participate, you could perform a service by responding to posts from adoptees who don't understand their bparents' decision to refuse contact.

[missingmyboy]

Alisha,

Thanks for sharing your reasons for not wanting to be found. I am a very new bmom and my son's bdad has chosen to have his part of the adoption closed. He has also expressed to me that he never wants to be found but he has never explained this to me. It is interesting to me to hear why a bparent would not want to be found. Thanks.

Shelley

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by AlishaD
I haven't really thought about the medical stuff before; that is good advice. Nothing big in my family, but maybe knowing that is nothing big would be beneficial to the child?

Yes, that is important information. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago and it was really important to me to have family history information to decide type of surgery and course of treatment. I am not adopted, but I had left home 20 years before due to abuse so I didn't have that info and my parents had moved since then.
Knowing there is nothing is much better than knowing NOTHING.
I too hope that you stick around.

[Tink1965]

Alisha

Thank you for your post! I agree with the others what a benefit you would be to this forum. Also, I am hoping that you decide to give your medical information and the info. about bfather. My dear friend who is an adoptee as well, has always had her medical info and brief genealogy. She is quite content with that and feels no need or desire to search for her biological parents.

Your honesty shows us all what a warm and good person you are. Thank you.

Tink

[Mary RamireZ]

being a birthparent is is a life on going pain, A wound can not be heal with out being open up
my two cents
Mary

[summer324]

I definately agree with a lot of these posts. The medical history, ethnicity, all of that trivial information is like gold to us adoptees. If you have all of that in your file and your bdaughter decides to look then maybe that is all she will want. Some files have reasons why the child was relingquished. I think that is a good idea also.

Yes the bfathers family has a right to look for her. If you keep in any contact with them then it might be a good idea to let them know where you stand with reunion.

Is there not part of you that wonders what she looks like now or what she is doing with her life? I am not judging you...I promise...I am just curious. You seem very adamant about being found. It is possible that she would just want to meet you and not want a drawn out relationship. I am searching now and I'm not looking for another mother..I am just looking for answers. I have a wonderful afamily and I haven't felt empty or lost all my life. I would say more curious.

We do value your opinions. It took some guts to post that. That's admirable!!

Lisa