[Stevie]

I gave up my daughter for adoption almost 19 years ago and it was a closed adoption. If I wan't to try and locate her....how do I do this and legally can I? I am under the understanding that it is sealed and only she can open the records. Does anyone know about this? The state was Virginia.
To say the least......I carry a lot of hurt and guilt about this but can't seem to get it off my mind.
Thanks for any input or experiences.

[Carol Bird]

A girl age 19 is still a teenager, and there are few reunions I know of where the adoptee is 19, hasn't searched her/himself, and suddenly is contacted by the birthmother. It can be a stunning shock if she isn't expecting it.

When I gave up my daughter in 1954 I made a vow that I would open all the doors to my identity for her when she turned 21. It was a closed adoption, of course, and we didn't even dream of having personal computers, let alone something like THE INTERNET that would blast open all the doors.

So, in February 1975, when she was 21, I put my information on the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR, P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, NV 89702-2312, phone (702) 882=7755) which was just being formed. (you can get a registration form by enclosing a self addressed, stamped envelope to them with a note asking for a registration form. It's free, though a small donation would be appreciated).

I did not actively search because like most birthmoms in the closed adoption era, I was told I would never know her, and though I wanted to meet her, I was afraid of disturbing her and interferring in her life. I WAITED.

I waited ELEVEN YEARS before she finally decided to REALLY look for me.
She had made token attempts at age 18 and age 25, but didn't followup. Now, in Dec. 1986, she was a first time mother of a five month old daughter, and the need to know me nudged her on.

Of course she found me immediately. She was 32 years old and was happily married.

Reunion is a really stressful trip. Many people just can't take the emotional roller coaster ride very long. A teen would have an especially difficult time.
My daughter told me she was just TOO YOUNG at 18 and 25. Her life was just beginning ... she was busy discovering herself: college, dating, career planning, travel, etc. At 32, in spite of the bumps in the road, she WAS ready. SHE was prepared, I WASN'T. It was stressful, but at the same time, wonderful.

We are in our 18th year now. My first granddaughter will be 18 in August, and my younger granddaughter just turned 16. They've known me as their THIRD Grandma all of their lives.

Yes, it was a long and aching wait, but Thank God, it was real.

I learned patience the hard way. I didn't have the Internet and the support offered by organizations like Adoption.com, Adoption.org, Crossroads and the others. There weren't hundreds of articles that I could read to prepare for reunion and to understand my daughter's life. Nor were there the treasure trove of books on Reunion available in the book shops.

Today, like many other birthmothers, I'm doing what Marcus Cicero did ... "I'm paying rent for the space I occupy on earth" by passing on what I learned and lending my support to other birthmothers and fathers and to adoptees in search and reunion.

Be patient ... you too will have your time. While you wait, list your info on all of the free Reunion Registries on Line, read the articles in the adoption.com library:
http://library.adopting.com/information
get all the support and advice you can.
AND PRAY.
Hugs, Carol Bird

[suzherm]

I can totally relate. My daughter is 18. 19 in 2005. I have been looking informally for some time. Only recent stepped things up a notch since she is now 18.

I have good leads and they are getting better with each passing day.

I struggle with simliar issues you mention - disrupting her life, will she welcome me, will it be too soon, how I should contact, etc.

I have to take it one day at a time. Just like I have for 18 years.

[FauxClaud]

You will break no real law if you search for your daughter. Meaning, that it's legal, especially since she is of legal age..it's a bit more dicey if under 18.
The easiest thing is to go back to the agency/adoption professional that you used and just ask. The same closed adoption mentality that was in practice then has morphed into the more open adoptions of today...so they won't be shocked if you ask for an update. My son turned 17 this year and as almost a lark, I sent an email to my old agency, not expecting much. Within the week they had notified his adoptive parents for the update request.
Do you know anything about her placement? I was amazed that just by re-reading the parent profile that I was given 17 years before, I had a ton of info at my feet..and I was able to fiqure out who my son really was and where he was just by the clues. Not expecting the agency to react so quickly, three intense days of Google searches was all it took to find out just about everything but a picture of my boy. The the agency confirmed what I had found when they replied.
Because the agency was acting as intermediatry and I wanted to go about doing this the "right way" as my son is only 17, I sent letters to my son and his folks through them as opposed to making first contact myself. They all (agecny and folks) still think that last names and location are unknown. His mom sent a great 5 page update and a bunch of pics even though, as parents, they have decided that for now he is not ready to have me introduced to his life.
I could go about and do it anyway, but since my long term hopes ar for a good reunion for all involved, I'm just hanging low and being pateint for the time being.
I never had to go to a big search index or registry....clues, google, MySpace, and three sleepless days of obsession are all it really took.
I would read a whole bunch of reunion stories before you make contact though. I have spent pretty much the last three years preparing for it..and knowing all the different issues involved by all has helped wonders. I could not imagine going into this without having done the homework. I know I would have just jumped right in all intense and full of blunders....as opposed to knowing that they key to it all is patience.
Good luck.
Claud