[bmomliz16]

I was 16 when I placed my daughter 16 years ago in February. I never wrote a letter. The way I was explained the procedure I had to let them come to me, I was not supposed to send them anything. Would it be wrong of me to send a letter to the agency for the Aparents to read over before allowing our daughter to read it? Is that out of line? I don't want to cause trouble, I just want to let her know tha the door is open. I want to explain. I want to answer her questions. I just don't want to cause her any pain.

I'm finally starting to deal with everything in a mature way, and for the first time in my life I'm reaching out for help. I went to another site that was supposed to be a "support group" and they slammed the door on me because I was not involved in an "open" adoption. At 16 I had no clue what that was. I've not told my children, 10 and 6. My husband knows. It was such a huge secret in the family I don't know how knows and who doesn't. I don't really have anyone to talk to who will actually open up. I'm just trying to find a place where I belong in this whole thing.

Any advice?!

[BrandyHagz]

Because it’s a closed adoption, I don’t know that the agency would forward it on to her…or even to her parents…but you can certainly write a letter to be placed in her “file” at the agency, so if she searches for you in a few years, it will be there.

Its also a good idea to call the agency and ask them to update your contact info, as was if they have some type of waiver that you can sign to release your information if she asks for it.

I think writing the letter is a good idea, even if she doesn’t get it for a few years…its always good to express your feelings when their fresh, so the other person knows how your feeling!

Good luck!

[MuyLaBonita]

Well, I am an adoptee of an open adoption and I recently recieved a letter from my older sister asking permission of my Aparents to talk to me. See, my father doesn't want anything to do with me is what my opinion is. If you were to send her a letter and let her know that she can contact you than I think it would be the best approach. You'll have to check the laws on that. Don't feel guilty about keeping this from your family, you'll tell them at the right time. Good Luck!

[patrisha]

I can't see anything wrong with sending a letter to the agency for your birth daughter. I don't know if they would forward it to her adoptive parents now or not. It would depend on that agency's policy. If your daughter did choose to search when she turned 18, I would think a warm letter from you would boost her confidence and enthusiasm for a reunion.

You may want to consider telling your kids in the near future. Especially since your daughter will soon reach an age she can search and it sounds like you would welcome a reunion. The telling usually goes much smoother than we expect it to, and lifting the burden of carrying around a painful secret is very healing. I'm not really poetic, but when everyone around me finally knew about my birthson it felt like having the sun come out after a week of rainy days.

I waited too long to tell my daughter about her brother. She was disappointed I didn't trust her. It's funny, but after 3 years of reunion it feels like he is just another member of our extensive family. Everyone knows he was adopted, but it's not a big deal or does it affect his participation in our family activities. Even my mother-in-law was excited to add a grandchild to her brood.

Feel free to pm me anytime if you want to talk on a more private basis. I do know first hand how you feel and you have lots of company on this forum.

Welcome to your new cyber-home!

Trish

[Missy M]

...it feels good to have new B-moms participating. I am from the closed era as my daughter was born and placed 30 years ago and we've been reunited 2 years now.
I wanted to say that adding a letter to your file for her should she decide to search is IMO a good idea. I would add that it would probably be best to contact the post-placement Social Worker at the agency prior to sending it to ask what their policy is. Some agree to accept letters some only accept contact info; (name, address, phone and SS #'s should you wish to offer these. In my situation the agency set up what is known as a "Contact Account" AND they charged a fee. They issued me an account number that allowed me to establish a PIN and set up my own e-mail account that I could update and add to via the 'net and / or "snail mail."
BTW: my daughter was adopted by my neighbor and grew up 2 doors away from me so I knew who and where she was always but I never told her I was her B-mom until we reunited, so she actually never read the letters until then; and the fee was wasted! The upside is that like Brandy says it allowed her a peek at my emotions and state of mind before we met and shows her that I am not simply saying I love you and have always loved you and just paying her "lip service." Some of my letters were written 14 years ago.
Hope it all works out for you...Good Luck and Best Wishes...MissyM

[sandjfulkrod]

As an adoptee who recently recieved non-id info, I would have given anything to see a letter or contact info in there from my birthfamily. Please send at least contact information to the agency, and request that it goes in her file, in case your Bdaughter starts her search.

sandjfulkrod

female born 11-17-69 Rochester, NY, Northaven agency, now have lots of interesting non-id info

[Renda]

Speaking as an adoptee, I feel it would be a great help if you left a letter in your daughters file, giving some info etc, and what you feel.

If she decides to access her file, then she will be ready to read the letter, and it will be very important to her, so very important.

So please leave her a letter.


Renda

[bmomliz16]

First of all, I really want to thank you all for your replies and your honesty. Now for an update!

It took me forever, but I finally did it! I actually wrote several letters, one from me about me and the circumstances, one about her half siblings, one about her birthfather, and finally I wrote one to the amom. I put each in a different envelope to be read when she was ready (with a bunch of pictures in each). I feel like there was so much more to say, but I didn't want to be overwhelming to her. I tried the best I could to use my BRAIN to say what I have always felt in my HEART. When I speak directly from my heart I end up going all over and rambling, and so on, kinda like right now I guess.

Anyway, I called the agency to make sure that it was okay to place this in her file and if there was anything special I needed to do. I could not believe what a wonderful response I got. The lady who answered the phone had actually been in the delivery room with me 16 years ago and remembered it all. I was their first official client and apparentlly I made an impact. Moving on now, she informed me that the amom had just called the week prior asking about me and if I would be interested in contact at this point. I could not believe it! I've still heard nothing, I'm still scared to death, but I told her and her amom in their letters that my door is always open and I will be happy with any role they feel comfortable with me playing. It's an enormous step for them and I will give them all the time in the world, I'm still going to be here.

Again, thank you all!!!!! I especially love this forum for the adoptee and adoptive parent feedback - the advice you give and your perspective on situations is truly priceless! I feel all the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I did it - the hardest thing I've had to do since relinquishing in 1988! I can now breathe easy and sleep soundly. To every Bmom out there - my heart is with you always and I wish I could help every one of you the way you have helped me. Even if I don't post or respond I have learned so much from each of you! I wish I could be the mother to every adoptee searching or in pain. I wish I could be the friend to every adoptive parent out there. Thank you all so much!

[BrandyHagz]

Moving on now, she informed me that the amom had just called the week prior asking about me and if I would be interested in contact at this point.

What amazing news! Congrats and good luck!

[maryjanek]

Bmomliz16 -- What a happy coincidence! When I went through my reunion, it was filled with discoveries that would have strained credibility in a novel or a movie. I wonder, are all reunions filled with coincidences like this? Warm wishes to you.

[Jackiejdajda]

bmomliz16

Such wonderful news..

My bson called me the other nite.. After three years we are comfortable just talking about things..

What a gift..


Jackie

[Kellyrose]

bmomliz

Hi, i'm an adoptee from closed adoption in uk 1968. On making contact with bmom 12yrs ago now she wrote first letter, which was fantastic.

I couldn't agree more then with everyone else, update all your info and if possible attach letter to her file, it really will make all the difference for all of you. I also suggest you tell your kids they have a big sister. My siblings were told of me long before i came on the scene and our reunion was great.

I wish you lots of love luck and strength.

Kelly

[Jackiejdajda]

Kellyrose wrote..On making contact with bmom 12yrs ago now she wrote first letter, which was fantastic.

Was your birthmom refusing contact for twelve years?

It must be amazing for you to recieve a letter after such a long silence. I would love to know your story..


Jacke

[Kellyrose]

jacke....

I'll rewrite what i was meaning.
12years ago I made contact with bmom, through her brother in England, she lives in Australia. She wrote the first letter, 12years ago.
My story like so many of us adoptees is a bit long, so i'll try to keep it as brief as I can.

In the letter she tells me the name of my bfather, who wasn't on my birth certificate, and how they met ect. She then goes on to tell me of her family and her children, and then about her life growing up and her parents and brothers and sisters.

The same year we made contact (12yrs ago) her and her husband came back to England to see me. This was really wonderful, yet overwhelming. No one could have ever prepared me for that first physical meeting at the airport, it felt like a little of every emotion, good and bad. My heart felt like it was going to burst out my chest, my legs went like jelly.
Anyway to cut a long story short, 2yrs ago we went to OZ to meet the rest of the clan, and it was great. The only thing was my bmom began to show signs of not being happy, about what she wouldn't say ( i did ask). My younger brother asked her oneday when they were on their own, as he knew this was worrying me, and she said she felt left out and was upset that i couldn't call her mum ect stuff like that.
So after a good chat with my brother and him telling me that it really isn't me she does this sort of thing with all of them, I decided i would make a concious effort to involve her in everything. This was a waste of time, by now i think she'd decided on being awkward and on a few occasions went of to her bedroom to sulk. I realised on returning home that what she was doing was emotional blackmail and that she had a few issues shes not dealt with over the years. But I let this go and we emailed eachother and got back on track.

At the beginning of this year (jan04) I got the wheels in motion to start the search for my bfather. What i thought would take months, years, took a week. I wrote to him, not giving out too much information, but i gave him my email address and on him recieveing my letter he emailed me that same day. It was amazing and so bizarre. I got him to confirm his date of birth and his mums christian name ect, yes this was him.
So he was happy, obviously very shocked as he couldn't remember my bmom ever telling him that she was pregnant. Lots of phone calls were going on bmom wanted updates ect ect.
Anyway after a long talk with my hubby, close friends, bmom, I asked my bfather how he would feel about taking a DNA test, no probs.
Then the bombshell came, not the DNA (we're still waiting for results 5days to go). A letter came in the post from bmom and her husband, telling me that the guy she said all along was my bfather might not be and that it was only the mention of DNA that nudged her into remembering this fling she had after their relationship finished. WOW!!
Now she won't talk to me when i call, well she did once the day after i got the letter and because i raised my voice she put the phone down on me. As i'm sure you can imagine theres a lot of "WHY'S" going on.

So thats basically where my stories at, at the moment.

I'd love to hear from any bmoms out there who think they may have any idea whats going on with her or have heard of a similar story.

LOL.... Kelly......

[bromanchik]

That is incredible!!! There is a great book called How to Open an Adoption: A guide for parents and birthparents of minors by Patricia Dorner Get it. It would be very helpful to you. It talks a lot about what to expect, how to deal with family, etc. as well as showing both the birthparents and the adoptive parents' side of things.