My 34 year old birthson contacted me a month ago. Needless to say it knocked me for a loop. It was a closed adoption in 1969. It is a secret I have kept for 34 years. I thought about him on his birthday but have otherwise buried the story. Knowing who he is is overwhelming me. In a positive way. I have been emailing him, telling him whatever he wants to know. He has been telling me about himself and his family. We have shared pictures. He lives in Missouri where he was born. I live in Nevada. He would like to someday meet me and his sisters. He is married and has two children.

My husband of 31 years and our two grown daughters do not know about my birthson.

I want to tell my family. I would like to meet him. I am tired of keeping this secret.

When I tell, I can never untell, so I have to think about it. What should I think about? Any advice?

Do kids want to know they have a half brother they never heard of? How do husbands typically take this news?

I would love to hear from anyone who has been thru this in any capacity.

Thank you!

[BrandyHagz]

I am a birthmom, and an adoptee, and I can understand your position...by the way, congrats on your reunion...

I think that you should tell your family about your birthson...he is a part of you...like a long lost relative...

On thing to think about is, normally is your family supportive of things in your life?

I think the most important thing to remember, and tell your family is...in the 60's, adoption was shunned...birthparents were told to forget it ever happened...and many did, or tried. Your story isnt uncommon, and many families have gone thru what you are going thru now...

As for your children, they'll have questions...but they will be thrilled. I am currently in the process of reuniting my a-mom with her birthchildren...twins and I cant not wait!

Good luck with whatever you decide, and we will always be here to support you!

[Sharon]

Yes, by all means, I think you should tell!
How liberating it would be for you not to have to keep this secret anymore. I hope your husband and children are understanding and supportive. Until I joined this forum, I had NO IDEA what older birthmoms of the 50s, 60s, and 70s went through. It was simply not acceptable to be open about adoption at that time... I feel your husband may understand since he lived through that time too, but you may have to explain it to your daughters... how different things were then, how much less open. If you had been open about the adoption at the time, you (and THEY, by extension) might have been looked down on and treated badly as a result.
What you did, you did to protect everyone involved. If you are tired of keeping this secret, you can let it out. Times have changed, the past is history. I think it will be safe to let it out now; and what a relief it will be.
Congratulations on reuniting with your son, and best wishes to you and your family!
~ Sharon

[Carol Bird]

OH, YES, indeed you should tell your husband and children. Tell your husband FIRST and have him help you tell your other children.

This is a different world than the one in which we lived during the pre 1970s. It is far more open and understanding.

When I announced my reunion with my daughter in 1986 (she was born and relinquished in 1954) I was stunned over the wonderful reception my announcement received.

Just after my New Year's Eve face-to-face meeting with my daughter (Dec, 1986-Jan 1987) I created a special card with a very brief announcement that I had a 32 year old daughter and had just reunited with her. I had prints made of a photo my daughter & son-in-law and of my baby granddaughter, and enclosed the photos with the cards. I mailed cards to all of my relatives and friends across the country.

Needless to say, everyone was stunned. After all, I was 52 years old and many had known me for decades.
Without exception, and were excited and happy for me.

I was presented with a five month old granddaughter at the time of reunion and one of the things I feared over the early years was the reaction of my grandchildren when they discovered I gave away their Mommy. Even THAT feared event was accepted with calmness and has made no difference to either of my two granddaughters, who are now in high school.

Don't be afraid. Do some reading to help you break the news. Join in on some of the Birthparent Chats and Forums and learn how others have handled this matter.

BE HONEST and OPEN. Once you tell your husband, together you can tell the other children.

AND YES ... most siblings are thrilled to discover they have a long lost older brother or sister.

There are many excellent articles in the archives of Adoption Week emagazine (weekly newsletter produced by adoption.com)
Go to http://www.adoptionweek.com/showarticles.php and click DISPLAY SUMMARY PAGES ... there are some 300 articles, many written for birthparents and adoptees, that can offer you some insight.

GOOD LUCK AND HUGS,
Carol Bird

[shirleyville]

WildGoose,
(((HAPPY HUGS))))
I am thrilled to read your post, as I am an adoptee, born in 1964. My birthmom denied contact with me back in January, and it was largely due to the fact that she had never told anyone about me, and was afraid. Her husband (not my father) knew about me, but her three adult children (all in their 30's) have no clue, and she is too afraid that they will not understand, to tell them.
I would love to hear more of your story....more about your feelings and thoughts, so I can understand more about my birthmom.
Thank you for your courage in speaking with your son.......
Warm Hugs,
Sally

[sonata]

Everyone's situation and family dynamics are different. Only you can be the final judge of whether to tell. But I would encourage you to do so.

As an adoptee who found both my birthparents at age 39 I have do have some experience with this. My birthmother HAD told her husband and two daughters about me. They encouraged her to look for me for many years and they were all thrilled when I found them!

On the other hand, my birthfather, who claimed to have "forgotten" that I had ever been born, had not told his family that he had a daughter who had been given up for adoption. However, when I found him, he immediately told his family and they were very welcoming and accepting of me.

Altogether I had FIVE half siblings and I have positive relationships of varying degrees with all of them. (One of them died a few months after we met and I am so thankful that we got a brief to time know one another).

I concur with everyone else here that we have come light years from the repressive era of the 50's and 60's when "illegitimate" births and adoptions were secretive and shameful.

There are stories galore in magazines, newspapers and on television that show adoptee reunions. Maybe you could use one of those stories to break the ice with your family. "Wow, this woman found her birthmother! What do you think about that?" In fact I am going to send you a link to a remarkable reunion that made the news just a couple of months ago.

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/2020/...ion030502.html

Maybe sharing that story would help you gauge your family's reaction to the whole idea. GOOD LUCK and PLEASE let us know how it goes. Congratulations on your reunion with your son. Best wishes, Sonata

[dkb60]

I would suggest you have some person in place for your children to talk to. When we told our kids about our bdaughter, I had made arrangements with our youth pastor at our church. I just wanted someone in place for them to talk to that they trusted. we gave them permission to talk to her if they did not want to talk to us. It gave us a "safety net" in case things really went to a melt down.

As it was that talk went fine and we did not need a safety net but the kids have talked to the youth pastor about their feelings.

good Luck,
D

[Jackiejdajda]

>Do kids want to know they have a half brother they never heard of? How do husbands typically take this news?

I told my husband when I met him in 1970.

I relinquished in 1965.

I told my kids when they were fifteen and thirteen.. (1990)
My daughter asked a darn good question.. "What other secrets do you have?"
My son accepted what I told him with no problems at all.

I have had long talks with my daughter about that part of my life.. She has helped me a great deal.. She knows me very well.


Jackie

[Greenwitch]

I don't reply to many of these but yours struck me. My husband is an adoptee that wants to find his birth family. I think you should tell so that you can have a complete and open relationship with your child and your child can have the same with you and his other family members. This is something that happened before your relationship with your second family. Everyone has a past. It would hurt so badly to finally find my husband's birthmom only to find that he couldn't have a complete relationship with her after waiting all these years to find her.
How would you feel in your child's place? I would never want to be with a man who would judge me harshly for something I did before I was committed to him. I don't mean to sound hard on you. You are to be commended for finding your adoptee child or responding when your child found you. Many of us are still searching. I am happy for you and your child. Blessings to all of you.

Greenwitch

[NancyJo]

Please, please, please tell your family about your son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in reunion with my bmom, but my bfather does not want his kids to know about me so there is no reunion there.
I had a wonderful adopted brother, but my bfather has ten kids. They would be my half siblings and he is denying me them. In my case his wife does know, but not his kids.
Times were different back then. Your other children are adults and should be able to handle this. Be prepared for any questions they might have, but PLEASE tell them.
If you have exchanged pictures, email, etc, eventually someone is going to find out anyway. You might slip and mention his name or something.
PLEASE tell them!!!!!

[Greenwitch]

I was told that you replied to my reply, but I don't know how to find it. I found your thread again and I see my reply to it along with others, but I don't see how to find your reply. Here is our e-mail Ginasalomon9@cs.com.

[revansca]

I have even told co-workers about by search for my son ALSO born in 1969! Through the years I have had to embrace truths about myself and others; speak them at all costs, and you know what? It always makes my soul lighter, takes me one step closer to truly understanding mysef.

My brother wants to meet my son. My mother ached to see him and my spouse would be so elated if I found him. Because of the pain the loss has caused me, those who love me want to see us reunited and have the healing begin.

To Thine Ownself Be True......

Robin

[katzoo]

Congratulations! I've been looking for my birthniece for several years. My sister doesn't want to look for her. I think she's afraid. She told her husband before they got married about the baby she gave up. She never told her daughters, 20, 26 and 30. Due to an unfortunate situation, I had to tell my youngest niece about it. She got pregnant, and I told her about her mom and that they would understand. Sadly, she decided to have an abortion. I was the only one she could confide in, so I stood by her, although I don't believe in abortion. I told her I would raise her baby until she was ready to raise him/her herself, but she had her mind made up. It went against everything I believe. but I had to be there for her to make sure she didn't go to some butcher.

It's never good to keep secrets, especially from your family. Sometime we have to to protect them, but in this case, I think they will understand. Good luck!

I hope everyone who replied to me last summer gets a copy of this.

First, Thank you for all of your encouragement. It was needed. I needed to be asked that question of 'is my husband usually supportive' (yes) and I needed the input of adoptees who are still in search.

I wanted and needed to see and know my lost son. Even more, I thought about what it would mean to him if I could not tell my family about him. What an awful thing that would have been. He probably already thinks I gave him away because I wanted to (that was not the case).

I told my husband about my birthson last summer. It was hard for me to do. He was surprised and supportive. He said it was a long time ago and that it changed nothing in our relationship.

The next week the two of us told my older daughter (age 29 then). I gave her a copy of the letter of introduction that my birthson had originally sent to me (with his permission). She read it, and said "Dad?". She had a little trouble believing it was me with the lost child, thought it was my husband. When she got it all in, she told me she could not believe I would not have told her. She was sad that she had a big brother all of her life and had not known him. She was thrilled to have a big brother.

My younger daughter (then 25) lives 200 miles away. It took us a couple weeks to arrange a trip down there. I told her I needed to talk to her about something in my distant past-not a bad thing. When we got down there and I told her she said "I thought it was something like that." That blew me away. She was also glad to know she had a big brother.

My daughters began corresponding with my birth son. They hit it off really well.

In October 2003 my birth son and his wife and two kids flew to Reno, near where we live in Carson City Nevada, from St Louis where they live. My youngest daughter came up, too. We all spent 4 wonderful days together in the Carson-Tahoe area getting acquainted.

In April 2004 my husband and me and our two daughters all flew to St Louis to continue the relationship. We spent ten days. I had a lot of quality time with my grand kids (they call me Grandma) and my new grandbaby. I met my birthsons adoptive parents. It all went well.

On Mothers' Day, my birthson and his family sent me flowers.

I don't know how it will go from here, but it is a wonderful start.

Thank you all for your support.

Pat Hunter in Carson City Nevada

[cathy102]

Pat,

That is a great story.. I am so happy that you told your family and now you have seen your birthson a few times...

Cathy