[Archive]

Originally Posted By Debbie

Have any of you had a reunion that failed after several years? My birth-daughter found me 7 years ago. Things started out great but quickly degenerated. There are way too many issues to go into here, but what it boils down to is after 7 years and quite a bit of therapy on my part, it was decided my b-daughter has a narcissistic personality disorder. Because of this, I had to end the relationship because of the pain she kept inflicting on me. It has been hard, as I always wanted her to find me. If you had a failed reunion, how are you handling it?

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol, Birthfamily Issues Forum

My heart aches for you, but for now, maybe "time out" is the best recourse. Reunion is a highly sensitive, highly emotional time, and often the AGE of the adoptee has a lot to do with how tumultuously the reunion plays itself out.

Sometimes we birthmothers enter into reunion expecting to resume the role of Mom that we gave up when we relinquished, and the walls crash in on us when our dream isn't fulfilled. An Adoptee has her/his own fantasies and expectations, and it is rare that either of us realize those dreams.

When reunions occur early on in our child's life, they face the challenge of the normal unfolding of life (dating, school, marriage, career and, in general discovery of self and the world) and often it is the REUNION that is temporarily put on hold. In those cases we have to step back and be patient.

I don't know all of the details of your reunion problems, so I can't zero in on specifics, but your experience is NOT uncommon. Sometimes a separation of a few or several years helps both birthmom and adoptee begin to truly understand one another and to heal and find other approaches to use to create a more comfortable relationship.

Believe me, my daughter and I had a few disagreements during the early years of discovering what makes the other "tick."
Fortunately SHE hung on until I found MY way.

I learned that we have to STEP BACK and give one another space. Our birthchild has her/his own life to live and we can't force ourselves into it. In time we find our own special place, if we are patient and understanding.

I have personal experience with several reunions that are currently in "Limbo" -- in all of these cases, a marriage has put the reunion on hold. Marriage is a BIG event in one's life and for younger adoptees, ONE "Big event" is enough to handle. Both marriage AND reunion require a lot of time, patience and understanding. It is next to impossible to juggle both at the same time. Sometimes reunions come at the same time as career development -- going to college, entering the professional world, etc.

Yes, your daughter seems narcissistic. That is natural for young people in their teens and twenties. Their own lives are their primary concern. Even our "raised" children go through this period!!

So, please, be patient and don't give up hope. It is worth the wait.

Please keep in contact with me and feel free to write to me at my e-mail address whenever you feel the need to talk.

Good Luck and Hugs... Carol