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Originally Posted By lisa

I gave up my beautiful little girl seventeen years ago on her birthday - March 2, it was something I have regretted doing since I signed my name on the dot.

I want so much to see her and see what her childhood was like. Although the pain has lessened in years, I still feel the same way. And I ask myself every holiday why - why did I sign my baby away.

Does it get any easier? Has anyone searched and found that their child is dead? Or hates them? How do you know when to search? How do you know if you are interfereing with their life or if they want to see you?

I have waited so many years for her to turn that magical number 18 so that I could find her - now with one more year left, I am confused.
If anyone feels the same way, or can answer my questions - please let me know.
Thanks - Lisa

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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Forum, Closed adoptions

Dear Lisa:
You ask "Does it get any easier? Has anyone searched and found that their child is dead? Or hates them? How do you know when to search? How do you know if you are interfereing with their life or if they want to see you?"

They are questions we ALL have had over the years. The Era of Closed Adoptions have left countless thousands of wounded people in it's wake.

It doesn't get easier, Lisa. But, in time it gets BETTER and we find that we have punished ourselves unnecessarily.

First of all ... 18 is VERY young for most adoptees to handle reunion. It is a highly emotional experience that needs mature thinking. A girl or boy of 18 is just beginning to discover life. They've spent their teens discovering themselves and other people, and now -- at 18 -- they enter college or the work world (both stressful experiences), consider careers, serious relationships begin. The last thing they need at that age is the stress and emotion that comes with reunion.

Believe me! It is rare that an adoptee that age is ready for this journey. I choose 21 as the "magic number" for a hopeful reunion with my daughter. That was in 1975, and I didn't actively SEARCH, but rather than burst into her life, I registered on what is now known as the International Soundex Reunion Registry and waited ... and waited.

My daughter found me there in 1986, when she was 32 and had a five month old daughter of her own. Even at 32, with a degree in Psychology, she had the ride of her life on the Reunion roller coaster. At 52 I wasn't prepared at all. I had little, if any, support. There wasn't an Internet to go to, There weren't many books on the subject of reunion. I had to go it by trial and error...lots of trial and error.

That was 15 years ago. I still don't know how we survived, but we did.

I know of cases where the birthmother died before reunion, but very few where the adoptee died and I know of only a couple of reunions in which the adoptee was bitter.

I've had this Forum since 1998 or 99, and I have moderated a Birthfamily Chatroom every monday night since around 1999, and have communicated with many hundreds of adoptees and birthmoms over those years.

Susan wanted to search at 18, but she was too busy with school and dating, etc. She says even at 25 she doesn't think she was ready. It was a long wait for me, but was well worth it.

One thing you CAN do, however, is to post your daughter's information (gender, date of birth, year of birth, hospital (if you remember), City, State) on some of the Reunion Registries.

For the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR) you need to send a stamped, self addressed envelope along with a note requesting a registration form (or, if you have Adobe, download a form from http://www.ISRR.net/). The ISRR is the largest and oldest registry in the world, but it is NOT on-line. It is a free service.
You can find a directory of hundreds of on-line Registries at http://www.adoptionregistry.com/
First look for the ones in the same state and city in which she was born, then post on other directories.

Just the general information I mentioned above. No details are necessary until you make contact. BE SURE TO BOOKMARK, OR MAKE A LIST OF, THE REGISTRIES YOU POST ON -- AND BE SURE TO KEEP GOING BACK TO CHECK. KEEP YOUR ADDRESS UP TO DATE, TOO. We have had many disappointments when a searcher finds a listing that matches her/his information, but the address is no longer valid.

Read my post to SONATA, above, for the names of some helpful books you'll need to read to prepare for reunion, and feel free to write to me whenever you have the need. Feel free to write to my e mail address.

Hang in there ...
Hugs, Carol

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Hi,
I am an adoptee who was 29 when my birthmother found me. It was wonderful and joyful at first as we are very much alike. Now we are struggling so much. Somehow, it can be very difficult to have a relationship when expectations and life experiences and skills at communication can differ so much. I am so glad that you are looking for resources now and learning all you can. Your birthchild will be very thankful to have such a loving and prepared mother when you do meet.
Best of luck.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol, Older Birthfamily Forum, Experts Group

Oh, Anne -- we all have these experiences, please don't be discouraged. There are emotions accompanying Reunion that we've never really experienced before. We have to take a deep breath now and then and just plunge in.

Some of us birthmothers want badly to be your MOTHER and we tend to pressure you too much. In time most of us realize that we CAN'T fill that role; it is already taken. It takes time for us to search for and find the place we fit in your life and that requires a lot of patience and understanding from you.

My daughter and granddaughters (and son in law) are the main focus of my thoughts, even after 15 years of reunion. But, I've learned (Thank the Good Lord) that I am NOT the focus of all of their thoughts. They are busy living their lives. I had to LEARN that and UNDERSTAND that and it took TIME.

Be patient, Anne. If you would like me to e mail some helpful articles -- for you and your birthmother - please drop me a line. In the meantime, have patience and let the reunion unfold at its own pace.
Love 'n hugs, Carol