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I am really struggling with an issue. I cannot, repeat CANNOT tell my a-family about finding my b-family. Whenever I try to talk to anyone about it they just tell me that eventually I have to do it. But it is not an option. period.

There are some things you just know and this is one of them. The reasons are myriad and complex. My a-parents live in a fantasy world and that is where they want to stay. I have chosen to respect their unspoken desire never to be reminded that I'm adopted. I could give example after example of their denial.

When my adopted sister was recently "found" by a full blooded brother she had never known about our parents reaction was to DENY that he was her brother and then refuse to ever talk it. Whether or not I agree with their attitude I will honor their wishes.

The problem is that it is putting a strain on my relationship with them as well as with my warm, loving, welcoming birthfamily whom I've just met. I feel like I'm having an affair! The worst part is having to make my children participate in keeping the secret. They met birth-grandma and now they can't say anthing to their grandparents about it. They understand the reasons but I still hate the deception. I am finding myself almost angry at my parents for putting me in this position. I guess their point of view would be that I put myself in the position by seeking out my birthfamily and perhaps that's so.

I'd like to hear from anyone who has dealt with this issue or has advice, insights, magic solutions, whatever! Thanks and best wishes to all.

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Originally Posted By Jennifer

My advice is simple, don't be silly. If your aparents have a problem with you finding your bparents it is THEIR problem NOT your's. There is absolutely no reason you or your children should have to sneak around or lie or feel uncomfortable. How silly. You aparents made a choice to adopt you and if at that time or now they didn't deal with the fact that one day you might want or need to contact your bparents then shame on them! You should feel free to mention your bparents in whatever way they would come up naturally. There is no reason to "push" something on your aparents that they aren't comfortable with. I'm not saying that you should expect to sit down and have long conversations with them about your bparents. HOWEVER, you certainly should be able to mention your having met them and your excitement about meeting them without concern for your aparents reaction. You are an adult and should act as such. Adults don't need to sneak around behind their parent's backs doing something that should be able to be out in the open. For goodness sake. It sounds like your aparents need a good dose of reality. The reality is that they chose to adopt children. Those children are now adults and they have a right to know their bparents if they so chose. Don't bully your parents and try to force them to accept your relationship with your bparents but at the same time don't let them bully you into feeling uncomfortable about your decision. If you are respectful of them and they of you there shouldn't be a problem. I wish you the best of luck.

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The thing is some people don't WANT to face reality and you can't make them. It is like a person who "knows" they are terminably ill but doesn't want to KNOW. It's almost as if by not saying it out loud you can make it not be true.

If that is how my parents have chosen to deal with the reality of adoption, then I will let them have that. Of course I don't HAVE to keep it a secret but I CHOOSE to. And no, I don't think they even faced that reality when they adopted me. It was privately handled through an intermediary who assured them my birthmother and I would NEVER find each other and went through extraordinary hanky panky with records so that it nearly was impossible. (Read 20 years of searching, 1000's of $$, and a private detective!)

Also, by telling them, I would have to face a different kind of guilt which comes from seeing how hurt my a-Mom would be. And make no mistake about it - she would be. If I have to live with guilt either way, it may as well be the one that spares someone else pain.

I appreciate your comments anyway. It's not that you don't have a point but my gut instinct (and my a-sister concurs) is to keep it quiet. BTW, what member of the triad are you?

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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Forum, Older Adoptions

I'm so sorry your a-parents feel the way they do, Sonata. There are many cases like yours, and it is impossible for those of us who have not had to struggle with this issue to fully understand your dilemma. (By the way, Jennifer is a reunited adoptee who is ALSO a young birthmom in Open Adoption. She's a wise young lady.)

I wonder if you'd write to me personally at my e-mail address. I have some articles I can send you. One is a "Letter to Mom and Dad" by an adoptee (Mom and Dad are adoptive parents). In her letter (article) she explains to them her desperate NEED to know her identity. It might be something you can make a few copies from and leave in your a-parents' dresser drawers...on the "chance" they might read it.

GUILT is something we Birthmothers and Adoptees have had to contend with most of our lives. Birthmoms feel guilt about having given up their babies and tend to regularly "beat themselves up" over what they consider their horrible SIN.
(Been there, done that!)

Adoptees whose a-parents won't face the truth, live with guilt for WANTING to know their personal geneological identity. We all have that need and desire, Sonata, so stop beating YOURself up over it. You have a RIGHT to know your genetic history and your children have a right to know their birthfamily.

Since my daughter and I reunited 15 years ago, I have shared her with her family and have grown to love them. Her mom and dad are wonderful people and are very supportive of our reunion. My granddaughters have grown up knowing me as Grandma and, though I will never be able to be MOM to my daughter, I have a good relationship with her, and I know she loves me.

Your parents need counseling. They need to understand that they don't OWN you. They need to be convinced that THEY are your parents and you will always love them as your parents ... BUT, you need to know WHY YOU ARE YOU! The only way you can learn that is to reach out and touch those who share your genes and blood.

There is MORE than enough love to spread around! When an adult son or daughter marry, his/her parents must share him/her with the spouse's parents and relatives. When the adult son or daughter has children, their parents have to share them with their grandchildren ... and share the grandchildren with the other grandparents.

What's the big deal? Insecurity!

My daughter was born in 1954. Those years before loosening of adoption laws were hard years on ALL members of the triad. The Birthmother made the most painful decision of her life --- the decision to give up her baby. That decision was something she lived with -- with much pain -- all of her child's lifetime. Years filled with remorse; with not only empty arms, but also an empty "hole in her heart". Birthmoms lived with a painful "secret"-- and those of the pre 1980s had NO support at all. Parents wouldn't hear when they wanted to talk about their emptiness; they were ashamed to tell friends, going into counseling was unheard of, there were no wonderful books like ThePrimal Wound, Adoption Wisdom, Journey of the Adopted Self, and others that helped us all understand that we are not alone, and we have a right to know our history, etc. Talk about punishment.

The adoptive parents, who were already sensitive because of their inability to give birth to children, spent the early years in fear that their child's birthmother or birthfather would come and spirit him/her away from them. They probably
never told acquaintances that their child/children were adopted. They existed in a make-believe world of their own.

But the one who has been hurt even worse is the adoptee. They learned to pull the shade down on that other part of their life (the wanting, needing part; the part FAT with unanswered questions).

You need to convince your parents that you love them dearly, but that they have to face reality.

My daughter's mom was as excited about Susan's and my reunion as we were, but my daughter's mom and dad are my own parents' ages ... mature and very perceptive. Susan and I are lucky!

I wish I could help you through this, but all I can do is "hold your hand" and give you support and encouragement.

Drop me a line and I'll send you some reading material that might provide you with some ideas. If you haven't already, please read Betty Jean Lifton's "Journey of the Adopted Self," Marlou Russell's "Adoption Wisdom," and Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound." These are books you can read and reread through the years. They provide answers and support and they give examples that can be very helpful. They are what I call "bedside" books ... you don't have to read them from cover to cover immediately, but can skim through them to find answers to (or support on) particular issues of the moment. Birthfamily issues; Adoptive family issues; your own personal issues are all discussed along with examples.

Read other posts in my Forum and in Marlou's Adoptee Issues Forum, right under this one. You'll be amazed at how many others are struggling with the same issues as you are.

Hugs, Carol

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Originally Posted By Jennifer

I understand and respect your choice. I'm sorry if I came across too strongly in my last post. I wasn't trying to tell you what to do. It is easy to make suggestions to other people when you aren't in their shoes. I apologize if I was insensitive to your situation in any way. I'm just sorry to see someone feel like they have to hide something that shouldn't have to be hidden. I am an adoptee who has been in reunion with my bmom for 13 years. In the beginning of my reunion things were very bumpy. My amom felt threatened by my bmom and that caused a lot of confusion and frustration. Now, 13 years later I chose not to discuss my bmom with my amom out of respect. It's not that I avoid the subject at all costs it is just that I don't make a point of brining it up. If I've had a visit with or telephone conversation with my bmom (Shirley) I don't keep it a secret but I also don't make an announcement about it. I fully understand your decision to respect your amom's feelings. I have had to do the same. As I said, I don't keep Shirley or my contact with her a secret but I don't force my relationship with her on my amom. I'm sorry to hear that your search was so costly and difficult but I am happy that you were persistent and I hope your reunion will bring you more ups than downs. The relationship I have with BOTH of my moms means the world to me. I love them both dearly and thank God for them daily. I hope this will be the same for you. There is a lot of good advice and support on this board. Carol is wonderful beyond words and it is because of her and others on this site that my relationship is as wonderful as it is with my bmom. I wish you the very best and you are in my prayers.

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Originally Posted By Jennifer

Carol,

I read your response to Sonata and wanted to let you know that there is more than one Jennifer on this board. I am not the Jennifer that you thought. I a 32 year old adoptee who has been in reunion with my bmom for 13 years. I have posted on this site many times over a period of about 2 years. You might not remember how things started but in the beginning I was very bitter about being adopted and was very angry with my bmom. Through your kindness, caring and willingness to share your experience with me and others my life has totally changed for the better. My relationship with my bmom is now a wonderful blessing! I just wanted to let you know because I'm sure that I've had very different experience that the other Jennifer. I have never placed a child for adoption. I am also many years further into my reunion that Jenn. I have read many of her posts on the Birthmother and Expecting mother's site and agree that she is very wonderful and wise. Thanks to ALL of you wonderful ladies for being willing to share your stories and make a difference in other people's lives. God bless you!

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Hi Carol and Jennifer Lee!

Sorry about the mix up (at least it wasn't as bad this time, right Jennifer?). Just so everyone knows, I almost always post as "JenniferS", not just plain Jennifer. And I'll typically sign the end of a message with "Jenn".

To 'Sonata' - I have been reunited for almost a year now. My relationship with my adoptive parents regarding my reunion has had some ups and downs, as can be expected. Reunion is FULL of emotions for everyone! At first, my parents were very supportive of my search (although my mom cried when I told her I was going to start searching). Then, I was reunited (by phone - my birthmom & I live far apart) with my birthmother, Annie. I quickly developed a strong relationship with Annie. We would talk on the phone for hours every week and I spent a lot of time on the computer emailing back and forth with her. Even a year later, we have "dinner dates" on Sundays and we watch Friends "together" on Thursdays (all over the phone). We don't get to visit often because I'm in school & Annie works. But, I digress.

Anyway, my point is that our relationship grew very quickly, and it hasn't really slowed down in the year that has passed. I guess that my parents never realized that finding my birthmother would be this "big". They began to get scared and jealous about two months into my reunion. They were never very vocal about it, but I could tell. Soon, though, they realized that I was just as much their daughter as I always had been. I wasn't moving away from our home in Dallas to live with Annie in Grand Rapids. I wasn't giving up my "old" life with them for a "new" one with Annie. They figured out that all of our lives just needed a little bit of re-adjusting to incorporate more people - and more love - in our lives.

But, this is just my experience. I wish I could say that every thing will work out, that your parents will extend their hearts and lives to your birthfamily. I would encourage you, however, to at least try something. The letter Carol mentioned in her post might be a good starting place. Add to that letter information about your kids, and how this is hard on them having to keep secrets. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but know that we're here for support either way, just as Carol and the other Jennifer have said.

Best wishes
-Jenn

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Originally Posted By Carol, Birthfamily Fourm, Experts Group

Yes, Jennifer ... I DO remember you and apologize for confusing you with Young Jennifer. But, then, I have frequent "Senior Moments" these days. There are so many of you coming to the Forum over the years that I sometimes need a tweek to jog my memory.

I wish more people would go for a "second chance" in a failed reunion. sometimes that "time out" period is exactly the tonic we need to process what's happening and retake control of our lives and emotions.

Life isn't all hugs, kisses, laughs and hugs, and Reunion isn't all Blue skies and flowers. IT'S LIFE.

As I told you ... "it all takes time -- and work!"
After 15 years in reunion I've gotten to the point where I don't panic at all when I don't hear from Susan for a while, or don't see them all at LEAST annually. Oh, I still want MORE of them, but I have learned to understand that they need time to live their own lives, and I'm only a small part of their lives (especially my beloved grandangels, who are teenagers now and live in an entirely different world of their own).

I'm SOOOO happy things are going well. Why don't you try to drop in on the Monday night Chatroom (MINE --). You'll find us in the Birthfamily Chatroom around 8:30 PM EST till around 11 PM every Monday night at http://www.adopting.org/chat.html
Sonata dropped in last night (3/11/02) and we had a great time.

Hugs, Carol

Hugs, Carol