[Risa]

hi everyone, i had a quick question on how to go about initiating contactg with my birthmother. as birthmothers, would you prefer that your child call or send a letter upon first contact? thanks for all replies.
risa

[laurajane]

Hi,
As an adoptee who just went thru this, I suggest a letter. My birthmom didn't want anything to do with me. If I had called she quite possibly would have hung up on me. Don't know about you but I was obviously rejected by her once 32 years ago, and she continues to reject me. I know we all want to respect our birthmom's wishes, but until we know what those are, we first have to worry about ourselves. I would hate for you to go thru what I did, so send a letter. it doesn't put her on the spot to say anything, a letter gives her time to adjust and sort out what is going on in her head. Good luck

[Dragonfly82]

Hi! I am a birthmother and in MY case . . . however my son would contact me would be wonderful . . . just as long as he does SOMEHOW. I might be a 'basketcase' if he called on the phone (excitement, nervousness and more), but I'd handle it somehow.

I am in agreement with laurajane though, I think a letter would be better for many reasons, one being that it would give her time to get her thoughts together. The hard part would be the waiting.

Another option would be a third party making the phonecall. That would have the same effect as the letter (giving her time to get her thoughts together before actually speaking to you) and you'd have the 'instant' reply instead of having to wait for an answer from the letter.

Just remember, slow and easy. Hope this helped

[Laura Palmer]

I am an adoptee also that has found my birth family. My birth unlce stated that my birthmom did not wish contact (Jan. 2003). I wrote a letter, I think that is the best way to go. I, of course, was rejected. But everyone's situation is different. Like the post above me, she stated she would probably be a basket case if her son called her on the phone. That's how heart attacks happen. LOL So I think the letter is a safe way to go. Good luck!!!!! Thanks, Sue

PS: Laura Jane: I'm so sorry you're a part of this thing called "rejection". Why were you rejected by your birthmom? Thanks.

I don't speak for anyone but me - but I think a letter is less threatening that a phone call. As long as it is nice, and does not come across as needy - it would be great.

JMHO

[laurajane]

Laura,
She already had two kids, had an affair and didn't want to be remined of that affair everytime she looked at my twin and I. Oh well her loss, I now have a great relationship (or getting there) with my two half siblings. Maybe sometime when she realizes we aren't going anyway and she can't deny us forever she'll come around, maybe not.

[sspete]

Oh my goodness--If my bdaughter would have contacted me anyway, I would have been filled with so much JOY!! However, not everyone is really prepared for the initial shock that goes with first contact. I made first contact with my bdaughters aparents since she was only 19. They handled everything for me, leaving me feeling very blessed. This was done through a letter to them. Letters are truly the way to go. Everyone can deal with their emotions in their on time frame. Best of luck to you!! My prayers are with you. spete

[Laura Palmer]

And thanks for responding so quick!!!! My birthname is Laura. Coincidence. I too, was a product of an affair. Only, my birth father (no Info. on him) was married & not to my birthmom. She didn't even acknowledge me at all. No picture, no medical, nothing. But it's OK. I have a genealogist in England doing my whole family tree, so I'm hoping to find blood relatives on day, WHO WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!!!! Thanks, Sue

[Risa]

thanks for all your helpful replies! i really do appreciate it. i think you all are right; a letter is the way to go. not only would it offer my birthmother the chance to decide if she would like to build on my contacting her, but it gives me a chance to handle my own feelings on it all. thanks again! good luck to everyone.

[patrisha]

risa ~ I am a reunited birth mom and I suggest that if you don't know what her present family situation is don't call out of the blue. She may or may not be in a position to speak freely at the time you call. I would suggest having a 3rd party, one of your trusted friend's perhaps, call her first and ask her if she has a contact preference.

The CI in my case asked me if I would be okay with a call. I agreed and gave my bson the option of picking the day & time. My husband knew about him already, and I was happy to finally be able to tell my daughter about her older brother.

Our reunion has gone pretty smoothly so far (2 years). We enjoy each other's company and although we haven't forgotten who we are to each other, most would compare our relationship like one that of a favorite nephew/aunt combo.

Good luck - don't let the horror stories about bmom rejection scare you too much. There are just as many of us bmoms estatic about being "found", and can't wait to introduce you to the rest of the gene pool you sprang from!

Love - Trish

[cccfairy]

we are in the process of trying to write a letter
my husband has found his adopted son
he is in his early 30's
though he has had information on how to contact us
he has not choosen to do so
i was wondering if you thought a letter from us would be the right thing to do at this point
and if we write a letter
what information should we make sure is included
we are at a loss
what does the son want to hear from us
any ideas would be great

[laurajane]

Just remember to all those writing letters, you might not get a reply!. I sent my letter a long time ago and have never heard from her. I know she has received it because she has stopped calling her other daughter (my half sister) and not returning her calls. So just keep that in mind, just cause you are sending a letter and reaching out doesn't mean they want to be reached out to. Good luck and many blessings.

[bajohnson]

Hi,
Just wanted to say that I'm sorry that the 2 Lauras were rejected. I too am in that situation and am again waiting for a letter to arrive. I was initially rejected in 1989, I wrote a letter, got no response except a rejection call from an intermidiary, and now I've written again, through an intermidiary. How has this rejection affected your lives? Do you hold out hope in her changing her mind? One of you had contact with your half siblings, how is that possible? Does she know, allow, etc.

I definitely believe in letters, even though mine seem to go unanswered. I also included a self-addressed stamped envelope to make ANY response easier. I sent the last one about 12 days ago. So it may come, I never seem to give up hope.

Let me know how the letter comes out Risa. Good luck to all in their searches and lives,
B

[laurajane]

Hi B,
My initial contact was thru the older half sister. I had originall been given the wrong birthmothers first name, but had the phone number for the sister. The birthmom knows that we are developing a relationship. Since the mom isn't saying anything to coroberate my research, it's har to really know if we have the right people (when i say we I have a twin sister too). But all the infor I've been able to dig up have the correct people. I don't think she will ever come around, even when it becomes clear my twin and i aren't going anywhere. That's fine with me, I'm not going to contact her again, I will respect her wishes. I always just wanted to know why and get some medical history. I've been given those answers so the way I see it , is you can never have to many friends. The half siblings seem to be here to stay, so that is cool. Anyway didn't mean to ramble, I'm on anti-naseua medication and it makes me dizzy =) Even more so than I normally am !

[dkb60]

My initial contact came from a social worker. I liked that because it was a complete shock. Contact like that gave me some time to get a hold of my feelings. It also gave me another prospective view of my birthdaughter and her intentions. We wrote letters first with non id info and then moved to moe personal info and than phone calls.
It worked for us.