[KeyingGrammy]

I am a birth mother that gave a daughter up for adoption in 1970. This was against my will. My parents arranged it. Seven months ago, my daughter located me via an investigator. The next day we talked on the phone for three hours. We then talked about every two weeks x3. We have e. mailed each other. Her e. mails are very infrequent. Then I heard nothing from her for about four months. She has not allowed me to have her last name, phone number, or any identifying information. I don't know what to do. She has made it clear this is on her terms, and I have been giving her the so called space. But she contacted me. I don't know how to deal with this. Has anyone out there had the same experience. I would appreciate any input.

[sspete]

I think adoptees go through many emotions in the reunion process. People have such different personalities and to try and figure it all out is impossible. I truly believe that we can not push--we do have to give them their space. However, I think it is important to continue to let them know we will be there if they want to contact us. You can do this through e-mail if you still have her address. Best of luck to you, and don't give up. She may just be sorting out her feelings. spete

[dpen]

keyinggramy
Please understand that 7 months is a VERY short time in a VERY long journey. There is tomorrow and the next day....... Speaking for myself as an adoptee, I had a very good adoption experiance, I needed to search my bmom in my twenties,I did it out of curiosity and yes, almost a fun thing to do. I had no idea of the emotions that it would conjure up, for myself and my bmom. I read my records and realized that my story was not a story of a loving young girl who had no other choice, but I was adopted out because of convience. Our reunion went very well, she was very pleased to meet me. But I got the feeling she wasn't interested in me as much as her feelings about the reunion. I got the feeling she wanted to "forget" about the past 29 years and just get on with it. I resented that. I also don't think she respected my love for my parents and my loyality towards them. My love was not born out of guilt or anything they said(It was purposed to me on another post that ,that was the case and I did think about it and concluded it wasn't true), I loved them because of the people they were and are). It took me many years to penatrate my wall and realize that my bmom worked with what she had and the coping mechanisms she was able to use at that time. I WAS a probem for her but in time I think she realized that I ended up being a loss. She said she though of me often and wondered about me often.

It took me 17(!) years to realize that I can and do have the capacity to love her without taking away from my parents!! Now you have t understand that I may be alittle SLOW!!! I'm sure your daughter is also going through some conflicting emotions, I think what would have helped me is if I heard " I do understand what you are going through.....I love you no matter what....I am here for you,whenever you are ready...unconditionally...I am interested in you as a person and about your life,loves and concerns. With me , I got scared when she expected me to be her "daughter", I already was a daughter, how could I possibly be one to some else. Don't forget, that at the time this was al gong on...I was living...having babies, dealing with sick in-laws, parents, grandparents. I lost my mom in that time. I think bmom wanted to me to give to her emotionally and I

couldnt!! I was strung out myself!!


Now that i am older and wiser,that she worked with what she had and did the best she could and loves me only as she is able. She didn't have it very easy at that time and was so overwhelmed that she probuly was unable to see me as her child and did only see me as a problem. She did not have the support of her family,or myfather(he denied paternity). She remains somewhat self protective, doesn't remember alot...but this is a constantly evolving situation as are all relationships.

PLEASE, remember there is always hope. I will hope and pray or you....I do believe it will get better for you! Pull up your inner strength...its there...if you do anything to hurt yourself, you just may be hurting her also. PEACE......Donna

[patrisha]

KeyingGrammy

I hate to bring this up - but are you absolutely sure that it was your birth daughter?

Since the contact came from an "investigator" instead of a Social Services employee be very sure. A bmom member of the support group I attended after my reunion was horribly scammed. She also was contacted by a "private investigator". The girl had her daughters birth date and place. Like your case, the girl never wanted her bmom to know any of her personal information. Contact was broken off cold when after a while bmom wanted more personal information and failed to be an easy mark for her hard luck story when she wanted money. This was the readers digest version, the actual story was much more drawn out in detail and misery. She was heart broken for over a year thinking her bdaughter just wanted to use her until her real bdaughter found her over a year later. As moms we would like to think we would recognize our own child - but after 30 years we may not.
I don't know your circumstances, but if you have any doubts - do some checking yourself.

If you are sure this is your bdaughter, try to be patient. She may be dealing with personal issues of her own and can't handle the emotion strain of both your reunion and them.

Good luck
Trish

[dpen]

OH MY GOD!!! Just when I think I have heard and seen it all!!
How can anyone protect themselves from that?

[bethksnyder]

I was given up for adoption on 10-2-1970. My birthmother was 14 and my father was 16. From what I understand this was something that my birth grandmother wanted to do. I am trying to find them and have been searching for a long time. I am very ill and need to know family history. I have contacted Georgia Reunion Registry and they have sent her a letter, but she has not responded yet. Does anyone else have any ideas for new avenues to explore? I have put ads in the local papers, searched for my foster parents, and have tried everything I can think of. Please help babyborn1970@yahoo.com