[SweetpeaAZ777]

Sweetheart, I am soooo sorry to hear about what you and your children are going through, I was an abused wife, and I know that it is hard to accept that fact, but Honey you are being abusedin mor than one way. Please get some help, your Pastor seems like a caring man, maybe he can get you some help in the community or maybe they can send you back to TX. I wish you all the best and if you ever want to talk, please email me at SweetpeaAZ777@aol.com

With Jesus' love,
Diahn

Lord Jesus, I ask right know that you wrap your mighty arms around this sweet young woman and those precious babies, protect them and keep them safe.

In Jesus' name...Amen

[slowdrowned]

Sweetheart. Please understand I say this with all the love I have. You keep saying *you* are getting better, *you* can make things better, *you* have problems. *You* are allowed to have problems, and your problems, in a healthy relationship, would not be this destructive. Your husband, on the other hand, has the kind of problems that need immediate correction or drastic action. It is NOT healthy - no, it is REALLY not healthy - for one person to dominate you and your decisions to the extent that you have no one left to turn to for support in difficult times because he has taken you away from them.

Forget the fighting and the hitting; that's only a part of the bigger problem. The bigger problem is that your husband, on some level, knows that there are serious problems in your relationship, and is doing everything in his power to make sure there is no one "in your corner" to reassure you that things need to change, and to offer you the help you need. He may have an undiagnosed mental illness that makes him unable to understand the consequences of his actions, or he may just be a cruel person who gets a thrill out of controlling another adult, but either way, it is NOT behavior you need to tolerate.

I have two questions for you before I can offer you any useful advice. (First and more importantly I want you to understand that your husband's behavior is not your problem to solve, and it is not your duty to sacrifice everyone and everything in your life just to keep him on an even keel, and you need to also understand that no matter how much you do give up, he will always expect you to do even more. You cannot win.) First, I am confused about your court case - was it a domestic dispute or was there something else involved? Second, where are you, currently? I would like to try to find some local resources for you because I know you must be too terrified and confused to do the legwork yourself.

Please PM me or *anyone* else here; I think it is safe to say we've all got your back, and there is no question you need to find some way to get some distance between yourself and this man. You can also write me at slowdrowned@sbcglobal.net. I am proud of you for reaching out to anyone you could think to; you are entitled to support from people who understand & care for you.

Take care.
kathy.

[steelmagnolia]

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, YES, YOU ARE BEING MISTREATED. HOWEVER, ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE THE ABUSE MUST STOP. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOUSELF. HE IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY SELFISH, SELF CONSUMED BASTARD. YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN, NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT, CAN'T BE WORSE THAN WHAT YOU HAVE.
FREE YOURSELF, ALLOW YOURSELF TO LIVE AND GROW. ALLOW YOURSELF TO SEARCH FOR THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU.
GO BACK TO TX. , I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU . HOWEVER, YOU MUST MAKE A CHOICE FOR YOURSELF & YOUR CHILDREN.
GOD BLESS.

[moonlightentity]

wow - that sounds inssescantly difficult. My suggestion is that once you have dealt with the leagl issues, LEAVE HIM. He isnot treating you with respect or love (it sounds like). You do not want this as an example for your children to grow up and reproduce.
In the meanwhile I suggest you call nay and every womans shelter and hotline for help on how to do this. They could probably help you legally with your current situation as well as helping you get away from this man who seems to be isolating you.
And remember that we, the adoption forums, are always here for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world

[BMTexas]

Well, hello to all. It seems this turned out to be a pretty popular message to say the least. I didn't write it for that reason, though.

Anyway, to all who are wondering, I'm doing fine. My husband and I are working things out O.K., but I can't leave him yet because I have to stay in WA state and attend anger management classes for at least six months. I'm allowed to live (with him and the children) during this time as long as I abide by the "no violent contact" order provided by the court.

This means I can't hardly raise my voice above a whisper or show any anger whatsoever, or he threatens to call the police. The case will be dismissed after 18 months of continued "no violence"
which includes not being emotional or angry during that time or expressing one's anger. I don't know if I can leave after 6 mos., or if I have to wait until the full 18 mos. is up. The counseling sessions are for "at least six months".

We're living in the trailer again (the church and house situation did not work out). I don't know if I can handle the trailer again for
another six or more months. But I have to stay there that long because of the anger management counseling and the court order.

I'm not sapposed to be on this website because he (my husband)
has asked me to stay off all birthmother/adoption related websites. But I received an e-mail about private messages etc...

Sometimes when I phocus too much on my birthdaughter/the adoption and/or read other birthmother stories I get angry. Our last fight happened right after I spent a couple of hours on this and related bmother sights. So I have to stay off or ask him from now on.

Thanx to all,
birthmom Texas

[Lisa0512]

I hope that this does not sound redundant. But you really really need to get out of the situation that you are in.

No one should put his/her hands on you, try to make you feel less than human and try to run your life. YOu have a right to a social life and happiness.

You are in my prayers.

[BMTexas]

Six months have come and gone since the court order. I still have one year to fulfill my court obligations of anger management counseling. After that *my case will be dismissed*. If I leave any time before the total 18 months is up
since my first court date, I could face jail time and/or have my children taken away or found guilty. If I take my kids and disapear there will be an investigation and I will be found and have to go to jail for breaking the court agreement. So he sort of has me in a pickle for now. We were planning on moving back to Texas this fall, but all that is ruined since the arrest.

I've just had another baby too. Just this past Aug. 22. How I would love to just disappear one day without a trace and start my life over, or find myself-whoever I was twelve yrs. ago. But five children and eleven yrs. of marriage does something to change a person.

It's not just him that has abused. It's me too. I guess he has a right to be
mad at me, since I haven't always been what I should be. Well, I've rarely been what I've should be, but I'm working on that.

What I've learned through this whole arrest situation is that I have to control
my anger too. I can't just do and say whatever I want and expect the man
to always be in control over his emotions. If it were all his fault and he was just purposely trying to be cruel, I think I would leave. But I'm the type who
fights back. I have to control myself too. We've both been wrong, only I'm the one who got caught.

Rhonda

[johnmaxwell]

I cannot add more to what previous strings have mentioned insofar as removing yourself from the source of emtional and physical abuse. As a male, a spouse, a father and an adoptee searching for his own heritage I would hasten to add additional food for thought:

1. You are not chopped liver - since no compromise seems available and the only course of action seems to be additional suffering and abuse at the hands of a tyrant - to surrender on this point (being treated as both an equal and a human being) would be a significant and pointless sacrifice on your part.

2. If you did give in, the offender would only be emboldened the next time you disagreed on principle or a course action, except this time he knows precisely how far he can go to push his point.

3. Anyone else telling to to make things right and let go of your deepest emotional longings is not living your life, walking in your shoes and certainly not the one who is living with, waking up next to, being hauled of to jail by and betrayed by the individual you are experiencing. There frame of reference is not equal.

4. Assuming for a moment that your wish comes true and you find and reunite with your missing loved one, she is at an impressionable age. What example, what message and what image do you want her to see, feel and believe is the right thing to do? Certainly her adoptive parents can provide this, but it is still not the same.


Even having made a rational arguement, I am fully aware that acting on what is rational and what is emotional sometimes becomes a very heavy burden. Until frankenstein settles down and acts like someone who is approachable and willing to appreciate and accomodate your deepest concerns and feelings, I would think that he has some work ahead of him. When rationality and productive diaglogue fade away, it is time to withdraw until two "warring" parties can be brought together again.

I hope you find you daughter and peace.

john

[cowgrl820]

I know your posts were done quite some time ago. I am new to using the posts, but registered myself on the site a couple of years ago to locate my son and daughter.

I too was in an abusive relationship for 7 yrs and got out of it in 1997. Please if you are still in that relationship and things are still the same you HAVE to get out. Not just for your safety but your children as well. No matter what you do or have done you do NOT deserve to be abused in any form (physical,emotional, verbal or sexually)!! When he leaves for work or wherever he goes, then you need to leave then. Also if you ever get into an arguement w/ him then you MUST be the 1st to call 911!! Otherwise you will be the one they take. Noone has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do!!

If you are still in WA please contact the # I am posting for you. It is for DAWN - Domestic Abuse Women's Network. There are locations all over WA as well as in other states. 866-286-DAWN (3296) They are an excellent organization to work with and they are part of the United Way which I work next door to. I work for the Boys & Girls Clubs of SPS.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE RUN, DON'T WALK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!.

[Jensboys]

This is a really old message (from 2002) but I just wanted to say the big OUCH to see a message from Cindy (Jordanmode) so close to the anniversary of her death. I miss her!

Jen

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

This is a really old message (from 2002) but I just wanted to say the big OUCH to see a message from Cindy (Jordanmode) so close to the anniversary of her death. I miss her!

Jen

Jen, it took my breath away to see that message...