[katlyn]

First, let me say, I haven't replied or posted, much less started a new thread in such a long time, forgive me if I ramble or don't make any sense.
My Bdaughter is expecting her first child and although we have been "reunited", in a manner of speaking, for a couple of yrs now, I am still concerned over what to do or say to her. We have never had a f2f or even talked on the phone, our relationship has been via facebook messages and texting. She is 22 and still in college, and lives at home with her parents. I have made sure to be as respectful as possible and not be pushy or forceful and let her take this at her own pace. I know that many things can factor into how our relationship can bloom or fail to bloom. I also know that every situation is different and that anything is possible.
I was not sure in the beginning, how I felt about the thought of being, and I use this term loosely for I do not want to offend anyone..." a bgrandma". Her mother did however tell her to text me and tell me that I was going to be a "young grandma", the day she found out it was a boy. This brought me to tears, as I'm sure many bmoms can relate or understand.
OK...rambling...sorry! She recently texted me asking for my address for the shower invite... , to which I immediately replied! My dilemma, depending on how you look at it, is this, when and if I recieve the invite, do I go? I am fearful that she is asking to be nice and not necessarily because she wants me there, however, If I don't go and she is truly wanting me to come, then that could jeopardise the progress I feel we have made. Sooooooo, do I go, or do I not go, AND, if I go, do I or don't I take my second daughter with me??? My sister wants to go, but I really don't think this is a good idea, but my second daughter is 12 and I think would be deeply hurt if I don't take her. I know however, that it is my fdaughters special day and I don't want to offend her or take away from that in any way. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

[sstuart]

I say if you get the invite--GO. If she does not want you there you will not get an invitation. I think the 12 yo would be fine--but I would ask you bdaughter what she is comfortable with.

[JustPeachy]

I wouldn't second guess your bdaughter on the invite. If she's sending it in the first place, she is inviting you, so if you want to attend, by all means, attend. However, if this is your first f2f, it might be hard. I know for me, I'd feel more comfortable attending something like this if I already had at least one f2f with my birthchild. When is this shower? Can you let her know you'd like to attend but would she be interested in having a f2f prior to that event? Just a thought. As far as bringing your 12 year old, if the invite is just for you, and you are invited without a guest, it wouldn't be appropriate to bring others. Just basic etiquette there. If the invite says "and guest" then bring your younger daughter. I'm sure if the invite is for you only, your daughter is old enough to understand that unless the invitation states "and guest" or is specifically addressed to her, she would not be expected to attend.

[EZ2Luv]

Honestly, as an adoptee, if I didn't want my Bmom somehwere I would never aske her for an address so I could send an invite hioin hopes she would decline. If I asked for her address and sent an invite it is because I wanted her there.
Maybe she feels it is easier to have your first f2f this way where your among a group and can be introduced. I think it is wonderful that she is wanting to invite you. Now as far as your raised 12 year old, that is a tough one. If Bdaughter includes her on teh invite it is one thing, but I would ask if it was OK to take her. Bdaughter may want this to be you only. All you can do is wait and see wjat the invite says when it arrives. Keep us updated, this is so cool that her amom is also open to your relationship.

EZ

[katlyn]

Thanks for your input. I suppose that I have this underlying fear that I will wreck the relationship before we really have a chance to begin. True, I would think that an invite wouldn't be sent if she didn't really want me there, but I guess I was just a little afraid that she was trying to be nice??? Does that make sense???

She was going to send some things to the kids this past Christmas, asked for thier sizes, colors they liked and such. When the package never arrived, I just chalked it up to her being a procrastinator like me and didn't think anything else of it. I had asked once if I could add her to my messenger and she accepted and the first time I saw her on I said hi, and immediately she vanished and has never been on since, no big deal, right? I then mentioned us possibly taking the next step and talking on the phone in my last facebook message and she never replied. So, I try to take back my suggestion and tell her that it's perfectly alright with me to continue with the messaging if she's not comfortable. Still no response, but I also try to tell myself, she's had a really rough time with her pregnancy and she's working and going to school. There is alot on her plate, just back off and give her air...so I am trying to. Maybe I'm reading more into things then there really is, but I can't help it, I'm terrified I'll push to hard or say something to make her uncomfortable and then that will be the end of it.

I don't know when the shower is exactly yet, but I agree that I'd think a f2f before would be easier, but then again I see how meeting f2f with friends and family around might be more comfortable. (for her that is) I don't know how comfortable I'll be, I can feel my heart start to pound like it's going to burst right out of my chest already! I am going to have to bring someone though, even if they don't come to the shower with me, I cannot fathom a three hour drive there and back by myself. AAAAHHHHH, I'll be a nervous wreck! LOL

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice, I'm listening and taking notes

[thanksgivingmom]

Ack Michelle!!! I have absolutely no advice. None. Other than hugs and love and congratulations

And of course the request to keep us updated! You know that some of us may be a tiny bit on the...oh...impatient (?) side!

[quantum]

If she actually does send the invite GO! GO! GO!
I would ask her then about the 12 year old...

I can understand your concerns though!!!

[Dickons]

When you get the invite, confirm she is okay with it and not just doing it to save you pain. Once she replies then go...

The other thought since you talk to her mom is that you could ask her if it would make her uncomfortable, if not then perhaps you and her mom could arrange to 'back each other up' so the other guests feel comfortable too.

It will be an incredibly tough emotional day as your daughter is having a party to celebrate her upcoming child's birth...incredibly tough as so many memories are going to surface for you.

Personally my mom would have been happy to have my mother in my life and would enjoy celebrating with the person who gave me life.

GO FOR IT if it seems to be for all the right reasons...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[katlyn]

I got the invite today and it's for July 12th! I was not prepared for it to be so soon, I thought I'd at least have a couple of weeks to prepare.
I am having major anxiety attacks and panic attacks right now. Wow....do I go alone? Do I take someone with me? I don't expect to take them to the shower, just need emotional support for the drive there and the drive home.
I keep envisioning myself walking into this home and everyone looking at me like an outcast of some sort. Will I feel like an outcast, or will I be able to feel like I fit in somewhere? Will she hug me, will she let me hug her? Will I get stage fright and not be able to hug her? Will I be able to take my eyes off of her and not sit mesmerised unable to look anywhere or at anyone else?
UGH! So many thoughts and emotions, my head is spinning and my heart is racing. I'm losing it I think . There is not enough medication in the world to get me through this!

[kakuehl]

First, breathe.... long, slow, deep breathes. If you must hyperventilate, keep a paper bag handy to breathe into.LOL

Is she registered somewhere? (My daughter registered on babiesRUs.) By all means have someone drive you if it makes you feel better.

As far as hugs, etc., go, you'll have to play it by ear. D and I hug each other now, but I don't think we hugged immediately! Try to relax, there may well be a mix of people there: friends, relatives, etc., who don't know one another.

Remember, she wants you there or you wouldn't have gotten an invitation.

You can and will get through this! (Breathe!)

[quantum]

HORRAY!
Hey, I know you're freaking out, but this is just so cool (in my opinion).
It will probably be weird. I know my ftf with my son was quite surreal, it was also quite natural in a way.
We instantly felt comfortable with each other.
I guess I warned him via SMS that I was going to hug him though! But circumstances were quite different.

Try to keep positive. You are NOT an outcast! You are the woman who gave birth to her and now it seems like she is letting you into her life. I guess if I were you I'd do a bit of acting (it's what has helped me get through a lot of situations!!). So, I would psych myself up into the character 'birthmother who is proud to be such, and welcome and accepted here'. Am I making any sense? Try to believe in it yourself as much as you can.

I'm guessing that you won't be able to keep your eyes off of her, but guess what! She is the main attraction at the party, so it's ok.

HANG IN THERE! keep us informed. I'm sure you'll do fine though.

[katlyn]

OK...breathe in breathe out....phew! I got the invite and I can't stop looking at it. I was making a blanket(crochet) for the baby and had even begun to make one for my DD for her birthday which has passed , no idea it would take that long! Anyhow, now I had planned on sending it via express mail not giving it to her in person....now I'm second guessing myself. It's not perfect, it's not bad either, but I'm dreading giving it to her and actually seeing her face as she opens it. I'm thinking that maybe I should buy her something instead....I also had some shoes that are brand new that my youngest never got to wear and I thought I'd put those in as well, plus I got some scrapbooking items from Target and I thought since she's so artistic, maybe she'd like that too. I don't know, what do ya'll think?

I do not know where she's registered, I'll have to ask, the invite says to RSVP her amom, which I am terrified to do. I have not spoken to her since right after my DD was born. From things my DD has said, I get the feeling she's ok with our "relationship", but I have heard from a family member(my best friend..long story!), that her mom can be kind of two faced and back stabbing so I don't know if I can trust her. There is more to the story, but I'm not going to go into it. I'd like to ask her amom if she's sure my DD will be ok with my being there on her special day, and for that matter is SHE ok with it? I just don't know if she'll be honest with me. I thought maybe I should just send DD a text, but I don't want to offend her, as ya'll have pointed out, if she didn't want me there, she wouldn't have sent the invite.

...I'm so confused and scared and I don't know what to do....

Thank you Kathy, Quantum and Dickons..everyone, for your advice and support it means the world to me right now!

[Tudu]

I would take my 12 yr old dd. It gives you someone to share the experience with and someone to take care of if you are uncomfortable. I find my children to a wonderful distraction in situations I am not normally great in.

I think it is great you received the invite and you should call her amom right away to get it all over with. She can't eat you over the phone and you will not be caught off guard, she will. I always freak out about giving homemade gifts, it's about all I do but I hate to do it in person. I have gotten so many wonderful responses and have been told that people look forward to my gifts b/c they are always special. With that in min, giver her your gift, it will mean more than anything else you could find in a store.


I will be following this thread for your update. I am impressed you haven't slipped off the deep end already.