[Lilacsandroses]

so i wrote my loving thoughts of missing her voice, and her emails, and her acknowledgment in general and today i got the big NO...
she informed me that i now no longer have access to see her Myspace page, which is the only link to her that I have had for the past 2 full years since she stopped really communicating with me...and that apparently I didn't remember that in the first contact letter, that she sent me 3 years ago, she expressed that she didn't want continued contact, that she only wanted to know that I and her bfather were still "out there"....I'M DEVASTATED!!! I'm at work and haven't done a thing to day because I'm just sitting here crying!!! I called her bfather and told him too....we just can't believe it.....somebody say something....anything!!!

[soprano]

I am SO sorry for your loss... and it is a loss. I have been in reunion with my daughter for 10 years, during which time she has cut me off 3 times (the most recent for 14 months). I have learned by reading other posts that this is not an isolated occurrence. So I've "tried" to shut out the voice in my head that has screamed, "What did you do?"

I don't have any advice for you except to use whatever support system (including here) to process this. And go on with your life.

You are in my thoughts.

Soprano

[josh1788smom]

Lilacs - I am sorry. My birthson did the same exact thing. We communicated on myspace too. One day, he just deleted his. In my case, though, I had just recently told him about his bfather's death. We even communicated about that, but when I replied to his question of how, and told him it was suicide, he cut me off. So, I, like you, keep asking what I did - did I tell him too much, did I say the wrong thing, etc, etc.

It is brutal, and I have no answers for you, because I am still cut-off, but know you are not alone, and we can hang out together (in cyberspace), hoping it changes for us.

[Lilacsandroses]

Later in the day that i received the fateful message from her...I spoke to a friend of mine who happens to be a birthmom too, let her read the actual message , and she suggested that I just go with it, that I don't need that kind of poisonous relationship. And I know that I will be open to communication with my bdaughter in the future, so if there is contact again and its better then I'll go along with it at that time. Meantime though...TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY and since she first contacted me I have made sure to do SOMETHING in recognition of it...flowers, card, gift...something. This time I couldn't bring myself to send a gift, or flowers, or anything, and I've already started and erased 3 emails because the first one WAS poisoned, the second was too short and therefore seemed just as mean, and on the third one I only got a few words into and just couldn't go on and came here... I don't want to be a zombie here at work, but if I don't talk about this, I'm gonna be useless today!

[JustPeachy]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is one of my biggest fears in thinking about reunion--that I will be cut off and will have to relive the losses all over again.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I don't know what that could be. I just know it must be a terribly hard thing to go through.

Try to chalk it up to "pullback" and not let it eat away at you that you said or did something wrong. Your daughter probably cannot handle the emotions that come with reunion right now and needs to close off that whole end of it. It's really about HER emotional processing and not about something you did or did not do. That doesn't make it hurt any less, I know.

[c.a]

I am sorry for your loss. I am an adoptive mom, trying to maintain a relationship with my son's birthmom so that he does not have a huge "reunion". Hopefully, it wil be easier for him to just know her.

Maybe it would easy your heart to write down your feelings to her, without sharing it now. Have you thought about buying a card on her birthday, writing to her exactly what you want her to hear, and then holding it for when she is ready to receive it? I know that in some open adoption agreements, they allow the birth parent(s) to keep a journal which is given to the child on their 18th birthday. Maybe you could keep a file of the things you would like her to know - birthdays, holidays, journal entries. And when she does reopen communication let her know that you have held it for her.

I sincerely hope that this gets better for you. I am often so angry with adoptive parents who don't recognize the importance of relationship building when their children are young.

Sending you thoughts of peace.