[loveajax]

Thank you, Leandrasstepmom. I hope he pursues contacting his sis as well. And I hope someday you are able to find your bros.

So I am ready to throttle DH because after writing to his birth mom that he would email her after the holidays, he still hasn't. I keep saying to him that he is being rude, but I also don't want to get overly involved in this. He is saying he really doesn't know what to say right now? They have been kind of emailing info back and forth and he says that right now he doesn't really have any more questions that he wants to ask. Oy! I should get him some books, I think, but he would never read them. Why are men so strange?

[lahdh4]

Because they are men!!! LOL sorry Love, maybe a few books may help him want to know some more.

[cetalley]

Lovejax, It has been a while , so I just got caught back up on all these post updates. I am happy to hear, reunion is still on-going. DH, doesn't HAVE to say anything, he could just simply say "Hi, I was thinking about you, hope all is going well, did not want you to think I had forgotten about you, been busy with DD,and Karen, just trying to get back into normal routine after all the holidays" ...something like that? Just a thought , he will not want to leave her mind to thinking he is done with her now...especially if she is holed up in her home, and not able to go visit alot...I wish them many years of at least just calling to say hi...at the very least...Blessings..C.J.

[SoniaRose]

OMG -- after almost a year of waiting, you finally heard from your husband's bmom??? Amazing, wonderful news!!!

Keep nagging him to write back to his bmom -- just a short note will do. It's the polite thing to do. I don't know what's the matter with some guys -- when my abrother was here for the holidays, I tried to convince him to at least submit his birth info to a mutual consent registry in case his bparents could be looking for him, but he said he doesn't really care. I just don't get it...

Yes, I also think that your husband should try to contact his sis one of these days as well. Does this sister know that your husband exists? If that's the case, I think it would be safe to contact her directly. In the meantime, your stubborn husband really needs to email his bmom!!! She could be getting depressed wondering if her bson has forgotten about her. I know she left you two waiting and wondering for a long time, but tell your husband not to do the same to her. You personally have experienced how painful it can be to wait and wait...

[RavenSong]

LoveAjax - Tell Hubby that his birthmom will treasure anything. Personally, I would write her about what's going on in his life right now...how DD is doing, what cute things she's done lately...how you're doing...things you guys like to do activity wise...movies you've seen lately...just normal "chit-chat".

There always comes a point in early reunion where the "big questions" get answered or put out onto the table. And then the next phase comes in, where we get to know each other as people.

Don't push him too hard, though. You don't want him to start feeling resentful. Maybe take some new pics of DD, and send them to bmom? I know she'd love that!

[loveajax]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. He acknowledged that it is "time" to send another email (but then of course didn't!). I won't let him out of the house this weekend until it gets done! I of course just view him as being rude, but I'm sure there is more "behind it" (not that he would share that with me!).

The very weird thing is that we drove by her neighborhood the other day on the way to see a friend...she lives literally like 10 minutes from us. I swear sometimes I wish he just showed up on her doorstep (bad idea, I know!).

[dpen6]

lovejax,

I have 2 brothers(adopted.differnt families), my older one found out his bmom name but was scolded by the judge that if he contacted her he would be "thrown in jail"...imagine....this was about 20 years ago and he has been to afraid to do anything. He has some cogitive issues and if a person in authority said it then it must be true in his world. I have tried talking to him but he gets upset so I drop it.

My younger brother has NO interst.in fact he has some anger(my diagnoses and his wifes) he did ask me to put his DOB up here and I did and have never gotten any bites. I think there is a piece of him that does want to know but is VERY afraid.of what I don't know..he is a man..he can't tell me! Has alwys kept his feelings closed up inside. And the kicker is he was adopted at 10 days..the rest of us were older(older bro was 4, me 2 1/2, younger sis was 6 mo.) in in terms of the common thinking he should have had the best outlook and IMO he does't. He told his wife the one or 2 times he spoke about it that "she could't wait to get rid of me" sad. I have spoken to his wife about it and she knows there is something simmering and is really afraid to "rock the boat and open a can of worms"

So anyway...if he can't go there a quick e-mail to let her know whats happening is ok..but I would not push to hard.

[loveajax]

Dpen, I know. I am really trying hard not to "push" too hard (to be honest, I always felt like I "pushed" him in the first place, though believe me, he would never do anything he didn't want to do).

As I said before, I don't think it is out of not caring (he in fact would like to meet her, etc.), but not being much of a "writer." I really hope that he can write soon and maybe someday they will meet (I will be sitting in the restaurant behind a newspaper! haha! I am so nosy.).

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Dpen, I know. I am really trying hard not to "push" too hard (to be honest, I always felt like I "pushed" him in the first place, though believe me, he would never do anything he didn't want to do).

As I said before, I don't think it is out of not caring (he in fact would like to meet her, etc.), but not being much of a "writer." I really hope that he can write soon and maybe someday they will meet (I will be sitting in the restaurant behind a newspaper! haha! I am so nosy.).

LOL.....You have no idea how much I have wanted to ush my brothers.just because i am NOSY.....I get ya.

The funny thing here is that you now know my bmomfaily was in your town growing up, I was 15 mintes away...here is your husbands bmom 10min. away..
WHAT WERE THEY thinking..back in the day. that we would never run into bio family? Lordy...we could all be "related"..coming from that city I won't mention! I mean everyone is from there after having their stop over in either the North End or Southie!!!!LOL

[loveajax]

Dpen, it's so funny. When I was "nosing around," I realized that DH and his (a) brother went to this extremely small private Catholic school...and um yeah...so did his younger bio brother. I mean what a small world!! Dh also thinks that he may be related (like on a cousin level) to one of his best friends growing up!!

[RavenSong]

LoveAjax, synchronicity for some reason comes into play a LOT where adoption is concerned. There are a lot of "coincidences" - it really makes you wonder about the Guy upstairs.

A lot of times in reunion, adoptees and birthmoms will discover that their paths have crossed many times over the years. When I first introduced my son to my former stepfather, they knew each right off...my son used to sell him hotdogs at the sports stadium when he was a teenager. (And this was in one of the largest cities in the country!) That whole "6 degrees of separation" thing is eerie at times.

[loveajax]

Raven, that is soooo bizarre (the hot dog story)!!! But yes, I can believe it!

PS: Dpen, I wanted to add that even though my DH located his birth mom before he could access his OBC, he was very emotional about getting the OBC. He also said that the day he went to get it, a woman was in there just bawling her eyes out that she finally had access to it. (Your judge story makes me furious.) I am annoyed that the "cutoff" though is pre1974. Ridiculous.

[loveajax]

Hi guys. Sorry I need to vent a little today.

So a good friend of ours' mom died and the wake was last night. Our friend's sister is a birth mom who placed her son for adoption 43 years ago. This kid was at the wake with his a parents, his wife and his kid (very sweet).

Anyway, DH and I are talking about that, and he says, "Geez, isn't it great that a reunion can work out great like that?" (sort of sarcastically). I said, "Well, are you really trying to make your reunion work out?" He said, "What more do I have to say? I tried. What am I going to do...send little emails every now and again?" I said, "well, if you don't want to email with your birth mom, then you should at least let her know and not leave her hanging." DH: "you don't get it."

OK, I am not "getting it." I get that. But I am sorry -- rude is rude. I also am hellbent on not "inserting" myself into this anymore because it just causes us to argue and I don't know what the point is.

I know you will all have constructive advice....unfortunately, I don't think DH will listen to it. This all makes me sad (though I am optimistic it will have a happier ending).

[dpen6]

Lovejax,

It sounds like to me that he is not ready, only he might not know that. He may be grappling with all these feelings that are not indentifable. It can be a very confusing, mindniggling thing. Large amount of fear that is easier to just not deal with especially for a guy. I am willing to assuume that when he saw your friends sister and her son and family all "reunited" it brought up many conflicting feelings and fears. I know for me it would be a feeling of sadness, mingled with anger(why could't it be that good for me), confusion..as in does it really matter, even though my whole life I have told it does not? and many other feelings..but intially it is very difficult to idenitfy what those feelings are...its just a feeling that is difficult to sort out, many feelings that are diffucult to sort out..so its easier to just avoid. He should not be judged for that because he really can't help it. The other folks in adoption all have a point that they can say my pain comes from such and such(birthmoms at the point of relinqishment, amoms at fertitlity or mom issues...reunion issues for both) But for an adoptee(and this is all just my opinion and my thoughts, I don't claim to speak for every adoptee) the feelings are all scrambled and there is no starting point. There may not even be pain just confusion..........I don't know, I am rambling here.....he may not feel any of it at all!

I agree that it is rude of him not to respond, I am willing to bet it is out of fear. I seriously wish they would right a book on adopted males...they see things so differntly that for us touchy/feely females to try to figure it out is tough. I see it in my brother.

Could there be an attitude of "...you made me wait now you can wait!"...little supressed anger?

[loveajax]

Thank you, Dpen!! I do think there is definitely some fear and maybe a "bit" of anger involved (why the anger, I don't know, but I do sense a bit of it).

DH hasn't told his family about the contact he had with his birth mom. I think he was waiting until they actually met or talked. Anyway, I wish he would because my SIL went thru a pretty emotional reunion and I am sure she could help much better than I can!