[TexasPuppy]

So I just read an article about a bmom in Utah that relinquished 28? years ago and just found out that the child died at age 6 months.

Jayni Anderson wants Utah law changed to require that birth parents be informed if a child they put up for adoption dies.

I am curious. What are everyones thought about this?

I am a bmom from that closed era and lucky for me I am currently in the beginning of reunion. I have seen movies and read books, stories, and articles about children that were adopted dieing (sp?) but I have never really thought about how I would feel if something like this had happened to me.

Would I grieve the loss again?
Would I be mad that I hadn't been told when it happened?
Would I feel it was my right to be told?
Would I want to talk to the adoptive parents?
Would I want to know what had happened?
Would I blame the agency? The parents?

What would you do? How do you think you would act/react?

I am going to take a day or so to think about what I would do and how I would feel. Then I will post again.

I hope to hear from others.

Have a good day and may you all be blessed that this does not ever happen to you.

[bajj]

I'm not sure if you wanted input from adoptive parents or not. If not, feel free to ignore!

I do think first families should be notified in the event of death. I also think in the event of major illness, in particular one that might affect other kids. My oldest son has a condition that can make him appear anemic when he isn't. His Bmom didn't know it and her boys had been put on supplements that turned out to be dangerous for them. I think medical info is important going both ways. That is JMHO.

My heart breaks for the lady who has dreamed and wondered all these years about her beautiful child, and then finds out the baby died so young.

[joelynn]

As an adoptive parent I would most definitely notify the bfamily. They have every right to know. This brings up a scarey situation that happened to us when my son was 3...we were traveling out of state to attend my nephew's graduation. Upon checking into our hotel...I heard the door open and close. I thought my husband went out and he thought I did. My mother's room was next door. I was in the bathroom. Anyway...it was my son...ALWAYS USE ONE OF THOSE DOOR LATCHES!!!... We found him about 30 minutes later but I swear my heart stopped. The first thought besides panic over my son going missing was "How do I tell his bmom I lost our son???" Needless to say all turned out fine but I always use one of thoses latches at the top of door after entering a hotel/motel room!! PS...the hotel was great in helping us find him. They acted immediately!!

[josh1788smom]

I have an amom friend whose son died. He was 19. All I could think of was the bmom. The amom did tell the bmom he had died. I think there should be some kind of provision, notification process, etc. something to make sure the bmom is notified. In a closed adoption situation, perhaps it should not be the aparents, but there should be some method for handling this. Jo- you sound like a wonderful and thoughtful person; unfortunately, not all amoms are like you. It is easy to hear the compassion you have for your son's bmom in your post. Kudos to you!

[Juliana13]

I totally second everything that Ani said. Even in closed adoptions, I think birthfamilies should be told in the event of death or serious genetic illness.

[lahdh4]

I would want to be told. This way I can grieve for the life that wasn't and not have to wonder.

[kdecrow]

How I wish I were not uniquely qualified to speak to this question...

After a long search, I was notified that my son passed away 3 years ago at the age of 26. I wish I had known. I would have gone to his funeral even if I had to attend in secret. I do know he left a daughter that by law, I have no right to contact as he is not here to give his permission.
Yet, I am glad to know what became of my beloved birthson. I do think birthparents have the right to know when their child deceases. Honestly, it did reopen some old wounds, but they were never truly healed anyway, and maybe with time I will find peace. Had I not requested info on him through DHS I would have never known, and I have since been able to visit his grave.

Kim

[josh1788smom]

Kim - I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that one day you are able to enjoy your son's daughter in your life.

[TexasPuppy]

I am sorry to hear that you had o go through this Kim. And I am even more thankful that I have not. Not saying this to sound cold, but just very thankful.

I spoke with a counselor tonight and asked how they handle things like this. If they handle things like this. She says if they are notified of a death of an adoptee or a serious illness, life altering events like this, they try to contact the birthmother/parents to let them know.

But it is up to the adoptive parents to let the agency know. The agency does not do follow up asking about these kinds of things. I would like to believe that all adoptive parents would have the compassion to let at least the agency/lawyer who handled the adoption know what was going on but I am not sure this is possible or even something we, as birthparents, can expect.

I am from the closed era and we were told we did not deserve to know and since terminating our rights we had no right to know so we would really be at the mercy of the adoptive parents. From speaking with someone with a semi-open adoption (a more recent era) there is communication so the birthmother/parents may find out because there is annual or semi-annual contact.

I hurt for anyone that has to deal with something like this. Either at the time it happens or so many years later. It would seem hard to hear it at any time. But can someone be forced legally to report a death? I mean, the adoptive parents are told here is this child, this gift, take this child, love this child as your own, but if anything life altering happens you need to contact us (agency/lawyer) and let us know so we can let the birthmother/parents know. Does this seem fair to them, the adoptive parents? They would be grieving a death in the family, the death of a child. Would you be able to think of someone else while you were grieving? I don't know that I could or would.

I guess unless you are faced with the situation, you can never know how you will react. Birth parents or adoptive parents, the loss of a child is devastating.

[keds]

I am extremely fortunate that my bson searched and found me and he is healthy and happy. I read the posts here several times and honestly, I don't know. I would be devestated but at the same time I don't know, being from the closed era, if I would have been notified. I did search and sort of knew (hadn't confirmed) who his mom was but his parents divorced when he was 5 so no guarantees. I agree that if any of my children died I would have been consumed with grief and I'm not sure I would have thoght of anyone else. Interesting post and perhaps the laws should change to at least notify bparents of a child's death. It could be simply a matter of if, like me, the file was left that the child could locate the person that a notice was sent. I don't know but I have experienced the death of a child, the death of a friend's child and no matter who was involved it does take a piece of your heart. all the best.

[rdy4theday]

I gave my son up not for me but for his sake. The adpotive parents do not owe me but I gave them a life I would appreciate a call that a being I created had passed on. I would not ask for anything but just a call. Is that too much to ask for?

[Sun8]

I am an adoptee and I do feel the birthparent has the right to know. If it was my child, I would want to know.
When i searched for my birthmom the thing i feared the most in finding and contacting her was a question i knew would come up. "how is Craig" ? (she would ask) he was my brother and we were adopted together. He passed away when he was 18 years old. Someone else took his life. I still shake and cry when i think back at having to tell her. I wish i didnt have to be the person to tell her. I wish she could or would have been notified by someone else. I wonder if our relationship would have been more than one phone conversation if she had been told years ago and had time to deal with it emotionally. Or if there are any negative feelings towards me since i am the one who told her. Maybe she wishes or thinks i should not have searched and contacted since i would have to tell her, and she would have rather not known.

[BrandyHagz]

In Arizona - when a parent signs the papers to terminate their parental rights - there is a section that deals specifically with this.

The birth parent(s) can opt in or opt out of 'notification of childs death'.

I didn't even KNOW this, until my son's bfather terminated his parental rights last year and this was an option for him.

Pretty awesome and forward thinking of Arizona - if you ask me.

[BrandyHagz]

Oh, I want to add - Utah also has this - but not retroactive.

I believe that this is the law that the mother in this case is trying to chang - to make it retroactive.

[joelynn]

Originally Posted by rdy4theday

I gave my son up not for me but for his sake. The adpotive parents do not owe me but I gave them a life I would appreciate a call that a being I created had passed on. I would not ask for anything but just a call. Is that too much to ask for?

No...that isn't too much to ask!