[darven]

Here's the situation, I gave my son up for adoption 16 years ago. He was adopted by a local family and I've known he was in the area his whole life. Due to the smallness of our community, he ended up attending school with my other children, specifically his sisters. He knows he's adopted and due to the curiosity of children...he knows his sisters and has contact and socializes with both of them. My son and I have talked on the internet but never in person or on the phone. He has sent me pictures and so far that has been good. The thing is that when we were talking a few days ago, he told me he wants us to meet when he gets his license in about two weeks. He suggested we go out for lunch or dinner. I want this more than anything, but I'm worried about the situation with his adoptive mother and how she will react to this. I don't think he plans to tell her about this. Should I contact her and advice her of what he wants or would that somehow be a betrayal to him. After all he is only 16, could there be legal ramifications if we go through with meeting in person.

[Mommy24]

My 2cents FWIW! I would never meet with my bson with out prior consent from his parents. It may create lots of problems not only for you but for him. He is not old enough to realize the ramifications that could come of a simple meeting. He may need his parents to help deal with any feelings this would bring up and if he has hidden the meeting from them it may make it harder to ask for their help if and when he might need.

I know you feel like you would be betraying him by contacting his parents first, however they are his parents and he is a minor, children need parental guidance in all aspects of their lives, he may not realize it, but I think it is not only important for you to inform his parents of his intentions but I think it is the only "right" thing to do.

Good luck to you

[JPDakota]

Well, you know, I don't think I'd go that route. How about this? Tell the young man that you will meet with him after his parents call you and tell you that its ok. That way he knows that he has to communicate with them, his parents. You won't be going behind his back. Everything will be on the table. Just my opinion, of course.

[crick]

If you were the parent...how would you feel if your 16 year old met an adult secretly behind your back?

If your daughters did this, wouldn't you be upset?

I'm all for reunion, don't get me wrong...but his parents absolutely do need to be informed. I like JP's suggestion a lot on how you might go about it.

And you are right, there are possible legal ramifications involved.

[InBlindFaith]

I think it would be best to wait. Talk to him about meeting with the parents, tell him you would feel more comfortable talking to them about this first.

[darven]

Thanks so much for the advice ladies. After a brief moment of indecisiveness I realized that you were right and that this meeting coud not take place without his parent's blessing and permission. As suspected though and quite unforunately she denied him permission to see me. She has since taken away his computer as to prevent us from talking online, she has also taken away his phone privileges so that he can't contact me by phone. He told his sister on his last day at school(she removed him from the school) to let me know that he was sorry, but he has nothing to be sorry about. I mean that's her decision to make, she is his mother. Guess she's right in saying I have no place in her son's life.

[pg13209]

You have a place in your son's life always and forever but not right now. I am not sure as to what state you are in but some make the adoptee wait until they are 21, as was my state. 16 is way to young to have contact with bmom. It is to difficult to deal with trust me. I was 25 when I met mine and am still on a roller coaster ride!! So not do anything now that you will regret later. Is it an open adoption? With what I am reading I am guessing not. If I were you I would contact his mother and apologize for intruding before he is of age. That is just my opinion. You would hate to have gotten to hasty and ruin it for later on in life when he is of age.

[JPDakota]

Well its definitely his Mom and Dad's call. I suppose they'll be taking strong measures until he's of age, which is appropriate.

[lonni]

I am sorry she reacted that way. JMO,but it seems like overkill to me~her doing all of that to him. Good grief,you aren't the bogeyman.
Our son has enjoyed his parents immensely from early on.
I met my own folks at 24.
I would have loved to meet them earlier.
Again,sorry your son can not meet you when he requested it.(((hugs))))

[Isabo]

Darven,
You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't intruded on your son's life - he has sought you out. You haven't broken any laws - there is no law in the United States that I am aware of that says an adult cannot communicate with a minor child without the parents knowledge - unless you are a pedophile, etc. which you are not. If there was such a law, every one of us would be afraid to talk to any minor, for fear of the consequences. I have no idea what "legal consequences" anyone is talking about - unless your behavior rises to the level of stalking or kidnapping (and meeting a minor for lunch in a public place does NOT equal kidnapping). I would like to know what legal consequences people are talking about.

You were appropriate in requesting that your son advise his aparents before he meets with you. The amom has reacted in a ridiculous manner that will only hurt her relationship with her son. I can testify to that, as my son's amom has reacted in the exact same way. My son sought me out at 19. Amom went along with it at first, but she is controlling and ruled by fear, and she believes adoption means ownership. It does not! She has irrevocably damaged her relationship with my son. After making repeated threats and demands that he choose them over me (which he did for a time), he told her to go take a hike. He is so angry with her for her refusal to understand that he wants and needs a relationship with his first family. He would like to have a loving relationship with both families, but amom will not allow it. He is now almost 30 years old, and she is still acting this way!

I am sorry your son's amom has done this, but she is showing your son who she really is. At 16 it is natural for him to have some curiosity and want to meet you, especially if he knows who his sisters are and goes to school with them! Additionally, I think that kids talk to the parents of their schoolmates all the time. Did amom really think he wouldn't want to talk to you, given that he knows who his sisters are? Eventually, he will reject her controlling ways. It may take time - at 18 he may not be strong enough to stand up to her, but I think that he will eventually. Just be strong and loving in any dealings you may have with the adoptive family. You will show him who you really are.

Good luck, and I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

[mtlover]

Isabo, I agree with what you wrote. I am amazed that some adoptive parents adopt with the intention to do what is best for their child and then make decisions that can clearly go against what is in the best interest of their child. I am sorry for your son, that his adoptive Mom behaves as she does. My adoptive Mom behaves in the same way and it does not serve any of us. Fear can seem to drive some really inappropriate behaviors. It is amazing to me that a mother can be a mother only because another mother made a loving choice and then treat that person as if they are bad for their child. Please don't get me wrong, I agree that parents have the right to make decisions for their children, especially minor children, I am just amazed that there are times when the decision is really self serving and inappropriate. Unfortunately... the adoptive parents that participate in this kind of behavior have an awefully easy time justifing their behavior. It can be very disheartening.

[JPDakota]

Isabo,
I'm really sorry about what happened to your son. This "having to choose" mentality is ridiculous. And it hurts everybody.
The thing is, we don't know the circumstances are the same in this case. These parents may have very good reasons for the choices they've made. I think it may be a rush to judgment to draw a lot of conclusions other than the fact that the legal parents have all of the responsibility at the moment. When the young man is of age, that's another matter. We don't know enough about this story, in my opinion, to condemn them out of hand. Just my observation for what it is worth.

[darven]

Just let me say that all your comments are appreciated. I understand you don't know all the circumstances but let me just say that I am not a bad person, I was a kid who made some wrong choices in life and got myself into a bad situation with the wrong person, thus leading to the birth of my son. I placed him for adoption because I loved him more than anything and wanted the best for him. I am glad that he was raised in a great home and has had a loving family. When my son realized who his sisters were, I never interfered. I knew I should keep my distance because of the fact that he was still a minor. He did take the first steps to contact me via im and email. I'm sorry if some of you think maybe that was wrong of me, but it was my son and there he was reaching out to me and I couldn't just say, "No, I can't talk to you" what mother could do that. I never pushed the issue of us meeting, he came to that conclusion over time all on his own. I regret that his adopted mom ultimately denied him permission to see me; but I feel no ill will toward her. She is his mother and I respect her decision even though I may not agree with it. I have 3 other wonderful children and I know how protective of them I am, so I do understand that point. I do feel however that his adoptive mother went a bit overboard. It's understandable how she may feel about stopping any type of communication with me; but to remove him from his school so that he may no longer have contact with his sisters was way over the line I think. They are innocent in all this and now my son has lost the ability to have a relationship with his sisters. They had grown extremely close and were developing great relationships. Was it really necessary to take his sisters away from him? I think not but I do think it was a bit selfish on her part. I know that the day will come when my son and I will have our opportunity to meet; and I'll wait for that moment forever if I have to. We shared alot in our conversations over the past year, and he knows that I love him. Our bond can not be broken by time or distance between us. I've held him in my heart for 16 years and there he'll remain until I can hold him in my arms again.

[banjo]

I think the amother has totally over reacted. She will regret that and will wonder why her son has no respect for her. The aparents should have realised that reunion was inevitable and managed it appropriately ie had you, your bson and themselves meet in a nutural place. All the afamily have done is now make life very difficult for your bson. Unless his parents accept reunion and that he may possibly become involved in your life then he will have to sneak around and possilby lie to them just so he can have what he is entitled to - contact with his bfamily. It is a sad thing to have happened. The only good thing is that these teenagers plaster themselves ie photos and comments and webprofile ie myspace all over the internet. So I am sure you will "find" him again. They may have taken away his computer but they can't take away his friend's computers....

As a fellow bmother I am so sad that this has happened to you and your bson...

[mtlover]

Just much support from me. Your son deserves to know you and will be honored when he gets to meet you!

BIG HUGE (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))!

Sorry... I mean You go DARVEN!