[teresa'smom1987]

Hi everyone. I'm brand new here--this is my first post. I'm not sure if I'm even in the right area. But here it goes . . .

I have a beautiful daughter out there somewhere. She was born 4/2/1987 and placed for adoption shortly after that in Illinois. I've registered with Illinois' adoption registry hoping to connect with her. She turned 18 last April and is getting ready to turn 19 in less than a week.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, pray for her, wonder what she's doing. My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it, waiting for her to make contact. If anyone can help me, I would be so grateful.

[FauxClaud]

If you went though an agency, a good place to start is with them.
Some will go ahead and get in touch with the aparents and initate contact. They might also be able to get you some more non ID info..
The ISRR registry is also a good place along with your state one.

DO you know anything about her?? Names, first names of parents, ages, occupations?..those things can all add up to decent clues..which can get you to where you need to be. Depending on what you know....it could be an easy search...

[scarlet52698]

Welcome to the forums! I placed my son in 1987 as well and I have just recently been in contact with his family.

I'd start with the agency you placed with like Claud suggested.

Good luck

[teresa'smom1987]

Thanks for the information. I don't know anything about the family she was placed with. Never got to meet them or anything. I placed through Catholic Charities. I contacted them in 1996 when my son was born with serious kidney disease which resulted in a transplant. I wanted to make sure her family had the medical information so that they could get her checked specifically for kidney problems. It does not run in our family anywhere, but my son has it. I have printed the ISRR form and plan to send it out today. I have contacted the Illinois Adoption Registry and have been registered for at least a year there. I guess I need to call Catholic Charities again and see if I can get any non-identifying information. The Illinois Adoption Registry said that I cannot contact her at all and that she has to search for me. They said that she can't even do that until she is 21 without her parents' permission. I've waited 19 long years, I can wait 2 more. But when I think of all the things I've missed--her first tooth, learning to walk, her first words--I don't want to miss another day (let alone another 2 YEARS) of her life.

[hello&goodbye]

I am sorry, but you need to get your expectations back to reality. You sound like you want and need to reclaim her after 18 years. I know your pain is real, but maybe you should take the two years and sort out your priorities, wants needs etc., and know how you will handle rejection and, or if she does not wish for a mother/daughter relationship with you. These are all valid points, and you need to understand all ofthem before you embark onto this journey.


You say you do not want to miss another minute of her life, so do you want to pick up and become her mom again, do you understand that she already has a mother? Can you handle that reality? Please Please think of all this before you make another move.

[scarlet52698]

Teresa-

Reunion can go many different ways. Yes you need to think about the possibility of rejection, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

I have a very good friend who's birthdaughter located her at 18. Turns out amom had passed away when she was very young so finding her bmom was a good thing for her.

Try to keep in mind that there are no absolutes when it comes to reunion.

[mamabee]

Teresa--Welcome! I heard three important words in your post: Hoping, waiting and help me. There is nothing wrong with hoping...we all do; the waiting is painful but inevitable; and I pray you will get the help you need to locate your child. However, you do need to keep an open mind that not everyone involved will be excited about your reunion. Keep coming here and reading and posting....we help one another find the support we need.

[b-mom2josh]

I am also a birthmom. My son just turned 18 yesterday. I have been looking forward the time I can begin my search for all these years, and now that it is here, I am very nervous. I am not sure that he is ready. He is only 18! I am beginning my search very slowly and trying to prepare myself for total rejection - which would be the worst cast scenario. Just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to your story..... I will make it through and so will you..... we are strong women! I'm just going slow and preparing for the worst - that way nothing is a dissapointment. I will be thankful for every piece of information I am given - I just really want to know that he is doing well. Good luck in your search - I hope you get what you are looking for!

Wendy

[teresa'smom1987]

Originally Posted by hello&goodbye

I am sorry, but you need to get your expectations back to reality. You sound like you want and need to reclaim her after 18 years. I know your pain is real, but maybe you should take the two years and sort out your priorities, wants needs etc., and know how you will handle rejection and, or if she does not wish for a mother/daughter relationship with you. These are all valid points, and you need to understand all ofthem before you embark onto this journey.


You say you do not want to miss another minute of her life, so do you want to pick up and become her mom again, do you understand that she already has a mother? Can you handle that reality? Please Please think of all this before you make another move.

Nice response to a new person here. I came here for words of wisdom, not to be scolded. I KNOW she has a mother and NO I am NOT looking to replace her. That's not MY decision. I would like to have a relationship with a child I have been separated from. That's all. If she doesn't want a relationship with me, that's HER choice.

At the same time, I know there are children out there who have been adopted and would like to know where they came from, their medical history, what their family of origin LOOKS like. I want to give her the opportunity to KNOW these things if that's what she wants. I have NO expectations because I don't know her at all. Would I LOVE to have a wonderful relationship and share in her life?? Absolutely. Do I wonder what she's doing with her life? Absolutely. Am I ready for the fact that she might not want anything to do with me and may NEVER want anything to do with me? Absolutely.

Just because I don't WANT to miss anymore of her life doesn't mean that I am ENTITLED to any part of her life--I no longer have rights as her mother. I've had 19 long years to think about this--2 more is not going to enlighten me further. I don't enter into anything lightly and without thinking it through. I think you made WAY too many assumptions in your post. My post here was to say that "hey, if you're out there and you're looking for me, I'm wide open." I don't think that she would be on an adoption reunion website if she wasn't looking as well.

[teresa'smom1987]

Originally Posted by b-mom2josh

I am also a birthmom. My son just turned 18 yesterday. I have been looking forward the time I can begin my search for all these years, and now that it is here, I am very nervous. I am not sure that he is ready. He is only 18! I am beginning my search very slowly and trying to prepare myself for total rejection - which would be the worst cast scenario. Just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to your story..... I will make it through and so will you..... we are strong women! I'm just going slow and preparing for the worst - that way nothing is a dissapointment. I will be thankful for every piece of information I am given - I just really want to know that he is doing well. Good luck in your search - I hope you get what you are looking for!

Wendy

Thank you so much for your kind reply. We will make it through--you're right about that. I hope we both find those special people we are looking for and I pray for the best. The rest is left up to them!

[Jessiedo]

Teresa'smom1987,

I placed my birthdaughter through Catholic Family Svcs in VA in 1985. She began her search (via the agency) when she was 19 and we have now been in reunion for slightly over a yr. We are taking it slow and steady and I have no doubt that it will endure. I truly think it's imperative to take it slow during reunion, even more so when the adoptee is at a younger age.

I hope and pray that your birthdaughter searches for you. Again, my situation is similiar to yours in that the social worker (after releasing the contact info) informed me that in VA there are laws "protecting" adoptees and that I could never have searched and found her. Yet in this day and age....I'm not so sure about that.

You sound like you have already prepared yourself for any possible scenario which you may encounter. I believe your birthdaughter would benefit greatly in knowing you. You definately come across as a birthmother who does have their birthchild's best interest at heart....and that's what it is all about. Our children's happiness.

[Shell.1972]

Teresa'smom1987,

I wish you the best of luck!! I'm in search of my Bmom, so far no luck. I can only wish she was like you in trying to search for me.

[hello&goodbye]

I did not mean to offend, it is just I keep hearing how people have unrealistic expections when they do find their b-child or parent. I know of too many people who have gotten hurt badly because perhaps they should have gone to councelling before any reunion. it is a very emotional journey we are embarking on, and I am sadden when I read or know of someone who has been hurt. Encouragment is good, but reality is even better.

[Jody M]

Hi From Jody, reunited adoptee and adoption triad support group leader in Wheaton IL, suburb of Chicagoland area. God bless you on your search for your birth daughter. I would suggest you go to this website- the best in Illinois for search and reunion resources:
www.whiteoakfoundation.org
The founder is a birth mother and has helped many persons in search and reunion in IL. I call her the "walking textbook of Illinois adoption search."
Adoption search IS a rollercoaster due to the strong emotions/dreams and expectations. I host an adoption triad support group locally in Wheaton IL and it is great for persons embarking on search and reunion to attend these support groups. There you meet birth mothers, fathers, adoptive parents and adult adoptees and glean much from others who have walked this journey or are in the process. As others have said, there is no guarantee what the outcome will be- and in closed adoptions, it is unknown how the adoptee has been educated or not about their adoption/info on their birth family. Many adoptees from my generation and decades surrounding it- the 1950's, were told little to nothing about their birth parents and many were not ever told they would meet their birth parents or should search for them. So many adoptees have not "awakened" to envisioning search and reunion. But many have also due to the talk shows and media coverage on this topic. This is all to say that it is So important to take it slow with contact and reunion and to "test" the waters and see where the other person is. Often adoptees have loyalty issues, and do not want to "rock the boat" with the parents who have raised them. For some reason, which is hard to sort through, adoptees feel that they may alienate or hurt their parents if the search or reunite or talk about the birth family. It is important to read ALOT on adoption issues that can surface in search and reunion and be prepared for any scenario. The best reunions I have witnessed in my 12 years attending adoption triad support groups and hosting them, are those where the persons involved have educated themselves and are sensitive to the issues that are real and arise in adoption search/reunion. I encourage persons in my support group to be aware of their own feelings/needs/sensitivities and then also be open to the other persons who they are searching for- often they can be at very different places. Patience is truly a virtue in this journey without a road map.
God's blessings as you take this courageous journey and I pray you will reach for all the outside supports, groups, books and resources to best prepare you.
Thanks for sharing!
Jody

[LGC]

I must agree with you about the tone of the reply from Hello & Goodbye...As a birthmother who is not only searching but has been the victim of a scam...I am really sensitive to the negativity of anyone responding to the needs of another person...When someone says" I need help" it is not an invitation to harm...
Perhaps you have an issue surrounding your adoption-but you would do well to realize that is not the case for all adoptees and because you are not privy to the circumstances or reasoning for the surrender of our children-you should not pass judgement...
Just a thought for what it is worth. Leslie