[susan]

WELCOME BIRTHMOTHERS...

IF YOU ARE A BIRTHMOTHER WHO PLACED THROUGH A CLOSED ADOPTION AGREEMENT YEARS AGO, I AM HERE TO OFFER ASSISTANCE TO YOU REGARDING YOUR POST-ADOPTION SEARCH/CONTACT/REUNION ISSUES. AS A REUNITED BIRTHMOM, I FEEL ...AND HAVE FELT, MANY OF THE EMOTIONS YOU ARE FEELING.

I LOOK FORWARD TO ASSISTING YOU.

PLEASE POST YOUR CONCERNS/QUESTIONS TO MY BREAKING THE SILENCE AROUND BIRTH FORUMS BOARD AND I WILL REPLY TO EACH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE .

I WISH YOU PEACE ...AND COURAGE,

[Elaine]

Hi Susan,
When I gave up my son for the adoption I had to push it way in the back of my mind because it was to painful. I had been a "good girl" and had never gotten into trouble until then. I have horrible guilt in recalling that I produced a son, and gave him away. I am 45 now and he is 24. I'm just now taking baby steps to search. I know his nonidentifying info, and about intermediaries. I am hesitiating using an intermediary becuase I want to be the one to find him and have first contact. Am I just being selfish?? I am also an adoptee who conducted my own search for my Bmother 5 years ago. Found of her, but she had passed away. I know that searches can be emotionally exhausting, but I'm gearing up for it. What do you think about letting intermediarys do all the work opposed to doing your own search??

[susan]

HI ELAINE...

I KNOW THE GUILT AND SHAME YOU ARE CARRYING. YOURS IS A BIT MORE "COMPLEX", HOWEVER. YOUR SEARCH FOR YOUR OWN BIRTHMOM WAS A LITTLE TOO LATE BUT THE UPSIDE IS THAT YOU FOUND THE COURAGE TO DO IT!!!!

THE GOOD GIRL IN YOU IS THE SAME GOOD GIRL WITHIN ALL OF US. WE, UNFORTUNATELY, GOT "INVOLVED". THE SHAME AND SECRECY WERE SQUARELY PLACED UPON US. THE SILENT TREATMENT AND/OR ACCUSATIONS SCARRED US. IT HURT DEEPLY. REMEMBER, YOUR OWN BIRTHMOM HURT TOO.

AS FAR AS USING INTERMEDIARIES, I DO NOT ADVISE IT. I FEEL PERSONAL CONTACT IS PARAMOUNT. THE CHOICE IS TO DO IT BY PHONE OR LETTER. WHEN YOU SEND A LETTER, YOU RISK LOSING IT IN THE MAIL OR IF REGISTERED ...LOOKING TOOOOO LEGAL WHICH CONGERS UP ALL SORTS OF THOUGHTS FOR THE "RECIVER" OF SUCH MAIL. I FEEL STRONGLY THAT YOUR SON IS AN ADULT AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS ONE. CALL ING HIM IS ALSO A MEANS OF HEARING HIS VOICE AND HIS YOURS.

YOU HAVE THE INFORMATION ...YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE'S PERMISSION DEAR HEART. I WISH YOU SUCCESS AS YOU CONTINUE TO TAKE THESE POWERFUL (BABY)STEPS.

CONFRONTING CHALLENGES WILL HELP BRING CLOSURE.

TAKE A BIG BREATH AND THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!

SUSAN ; )

[Mary J. Barber]

HI. I didn't want my daughter adopted. My aunt had arranged for her taken from me at the time she was born. There is an attorney invovled so the birth records are sealed. How would I look for her in here? Or where ever else I can look. I was given no papers when I left the hospital. I was forced to sign blank papers.
Mary

[Rory]

Hi. I am currently searching for my brthdaughter. She was born on sept. 5th 1982 in Dunkirk NY and catholic charities was the agency that placed her. I have registered everywhere imagineable. what more can I do? Do most adopted children know they are adopted? I hope and pray she is looking for me. I just feel like I am at the end of my rope.

Thank you for listening.

Aurora

[shirleyville]

I may not have any right to post here, since I am an adoptee, but I wanted to say something, and ask some questions, too, if you will allow me to....
I was born on October 4th, 1964 in Muncie, Indiana, and I am searching for my birth mother. In my state, there is absoltely no way to go about getting any information other than by using an intermediary....which I have recently acquired.
I don't want to scare my birthmother......but I don't know of any other way to get to her. Is it a bad idea? Should I stop the process now? I don't want to do the wrong thing.....
I know that in the 1960's things were very different than they are today..stigmas and secrecy and shame....and I want so badly to tell her that it's okay. I want to put my arms around her and tell her that she doesn't have to feel any of the guilt or shame anymore. I need desperately for her to know that I am a happy, healthy, successful, stable person, and that I thank her, in my heart, every day, for choosing to give me life. That gift is not only a gift to ME, but a gift to those who love me. Something she did, that she may be feeling was the worst mistake of her life, changed the world -- she changed it because I am in this world, to love and be loved.
My best friend gave me the most incredible gift two and a half years ago. She allowed me to join with her in her journey to adopt her daughter. I went with her thru all of the "dear birth mother letters" and the meetings...I was there, when that precious little girl came home at two days old (the same age I was when I came home). It gave me an entirely new way of seeing things.....and every single day that I spend with my God Daughter, I thank HER birthmother for giving us a gift like Shaela. She has no way of knowing the joy and the love and the faith that has touched everyone that little girl comes into contact with...and I want so badly to tell MY birthmother that, because I know that in my lifetime, I have brought such things to those people whose lives I touch. I feel so desperately that she needs to know this....and that I have no blame to place or desire to dredge up bad memories.....I just need her to know she is loved.
As a part of the CI program, I am writing a letter to her -- and although I have written this letter in my head a million times, I have no idea what to say to her now that I know she may actually see the letter. I can't even imagine her sitting somewhere -- maybe on her bed, or at the kitchen table -- holding MY words in her hand. I want to say the right things, but I don't want to be presumptuous, either. What if she didn't feel anything....what if relinquishing me was the happiest day of her life? If it was, then that is good with me, too. I understand how it could be that way...and I would never hold that against her.
I just know that this letter may be my one and only chance to communicate with her, and I need to know if it is okay to say everything that is on my heart.
There are so many things I want to know....none of which has a single thing to do with how I came to be. I just want to know if I look like her.....and I have so many "gifts" and interests that are not shared with my adoptive family. I want to know where they came from. I'd like to know if I have siblings -- she doesn't have to tell them about me if she is uncomfortable with that, and I would never make contact without her permission, but I would like to know if they exist -- I am an only child and I just want to know. AND, as silly as it sounds, I need to know if she eats cheese.....LMAO.....My family eats cheese like it is a staple of life, and I can't even stand the smell of it. EVERYBODY likes cheese....but me. I want to know if I am Irish or Italian....what sort of religious background my birth family has.....I'd like to know her birthday -- I don't have to have the year or anything, but I would like to know, so I can celebrate it in my own way...and I would like to know her first name. It's such an empty feeling to not know what to call her in my prayers. I would like to know what it was like to be pregnant with me, and what my birth was like -- because that is the only time we had together. It is unfathomable to me that I lived inside someone for nine months and I don't even know what to call her......
Can I say those things to her, in the letter, or is that too much?
I am turning to you, because you are the women who know -- you have lived it.
Thank you for any suggestions and insight....
Sally

[susan]

Dear Sally...

Your beautiful feelings come from somewhere deep within you. Please realize that your birth took place in a time that is quite different from now. If it is in your heart to contact your birthmother I encourage you to do so.

My best wishes to you dear heart,
Susan ...a reunited birthmother

[deni5555]

Originally posted by shirleyville
I may not have any right to post here, since I am an adoptee, but I wanted to say something, and ask some questions, too, if you will allow me to....
I was born on October 4th, 1964 in Muncie, Indiana, and I am searching for my birth mother. In my state, there is absoltely no way to go about getting any information other than by using an intermediary....which I have recently acquired.
I don't want to scare my birthmother......but I don't know of any other way to get to her. Is it a bad idea? Should I stop the process now? I don't want to do the wrong thing.....
I know that in the 1960's things were very different than they are today..stigmas and secrecy and shame....and I want so badly to tell her that it's okay. I want to put my arms around her and tell her that she doesn't have to feel any of the guilt or shame anymore. I need desperately for her to know that I am a happy, healthy, successful, stable person, and that I thank her, in my heart, every day, for choosing to give me life. That gift is not only a gift to ME, but a gift to those who love me. Something she did, that she may be feeling was the worst mistake of her life, changed the world -- she changed it because I am in this world, to love and be loved.
My best friend gave me the most incredible gift two and a half years ago. She allowed me to join with her in her journey to adopt her daughter. I went with her thru all of the "dear birth mother letters" and the meetings...I was there, when that precious little girl came home at two days old (the same age I was when I came home). It gave me an entirely new way of seeing things.....and every single day that I spend with my God Daughter, I thank HER birthmother for giving us a gift like Shaela. She has no way of knowing the joy and the love and the faith that has touched everyone that little girl comes into contact with...and I want so badly to tell MY birthmother that, because I know that in my lifetime, I have brought such things to those people whose lives I touch. I feel so desperately that she needs to know this....and that I have no blame to place or desire to dredge up bad memories.....I just need her to know she is loved.
As a part of the CI program, I am writing a letter to her -- and although I have written this letter in my head a million times, I have no idea what to say to her now that I know she may actually see the letter. I can't even imagine her sitting somewhere -- maybe on her bed, or at the kitchen table -- holding MY words in her hand. I want to say the right things, but I don't want to be presumptuous, either. What if she didn't feel anything....what if relinquishing me was the happiest day of her life? If it was, then that is good with me, too. I understand how it could be that way...and I would never hold that against her.
I just know that this letter may be my one and only chance to communicate with her, and I need to know if it is okay to say everything that is on my heart.
There are so many things I want to know....none of which has a single thing to do with how I came to be. I just want to know if I look like her.....and I have so many "gifts" and interests that are not shared with my adoptive family. I want to know where they came from. I'd like to know if I have siblings -- she doesn't have to tell them about me if she is uncomfortable with that, and I would never make contact without her permission, but I would like to know if they exist -- I am an only child and I just want to know. AND, as silly as it sounds, I need to know if she eats cheese.....LMAO.....My family eats cheese like it is a staple of life, and I can't even stand the smell of it. EVERYBODY likes cheese....but me. I want to know if I am Irish or Italian....what sort of religious background my birth family has.....I'd like to know her birthday -- I don't have to have the year or anything, but I would like to know, so I can celebrate it in my own way...and I would like to know her first name. It's such an empty feeling to not know what to call her in my prayers. I would like to know what it was like to be pregnant with me, and what my birth was like -- because that is the only time we had together. It is unfathomable to me that I lived inside someone for nine months and I don't even know what to call her......
Can I say those things to her, in the letter, or is that too much?
I am turning to you, because you are the women who know -- you have lived it.
Thank you for any suggestions and insight....
Sally

hi sally,
i am a birth mom simply looking for places to post my info in case my birth daughter would choose to search for me. i just happened to come across your message and wanted to say i was really touched by your words. i hope my birth daughter has had the love of a family as wonderful as yours. i wish you all the best and if you should reunite with your birth mom hug her extra hard. she's missed you terribly. good luck

[Carried]

This is for Mary Nelson and others in her situation,
I placed my daughter in 1983 and was told that I couldn't have an open adoption this was also through an attorney.What I did find out though was that in the birth index,at least in Ohio, I am assuming all states have them, your childs birth is listed on the date you gave birth if you are lucky under the amended lists you might find her, also i requested all info from the hospital, they will give you your records and there are tidbits of info that you can get from them. I also requested my daughters Birth Certificate where she is listed under my name, this is also helpful. Check in your state for search Angels they are a great resource and they don't charge you either. Be sure to register with Soudex also.
And last but not least PRAY, your childs B-date may have been changed but like mine however I am not giving up.
God Bless
Carrie

[shirleyville]

Thank you, Robin, for your words of encouragement! They are so appreciated!
Sally

Susan, I saw your letter here, and thought maybe you could give me some courage to face this no matter what the outcome is? This has been such an empty spot in my heart for the last 34 yrs. Especially when her birthday gets closer every year. I start looking for her then I hit a wall and it discourages me so I stop for a few months. But the older I get I feel I need to face this and find out where she is? Could you please give me some advice?

[SherryGullo]

Susan
How do we handle the fear of never hearing from our children when we have waited so long?My son is going on 18 but it seems so much longer than that...My other children have known since early in life about my giving my miracle boy up,and they also wait for some contact.My heart has a empty spot that waits to be filled.
sherry

[cheyenne141]

Susan,

I need information on where to start. My beautiful daugther was born Febuary 1982, in Newburgh NY. I was very young and do not know a lot about the adoption. I know it was a private adoption through a lawyer. My doctor might have known the couple that adopted her. I did contact him, but didn't have much luck. He said he was involved in a number of adoptions through the years and this was 20 years ago. Please steer me in the right direction. Thank you!

Cheyenne141: Just read your post, well I am a birthmother in search of my daughter. She is now 34 yrs. old So I understand how you feel, I have searched through the years, but this is the first time I found out there is so much material and support out there now, the internet is our best tool! Just keep posting on this site and people will guide you along the way. The most important registry is ISRR, I'm sure as you go along you will here more and more about it. When you are searching type in Adoption Registry's, it will give you lots of them, register with as many as possible, and give as much information as you have on your son. That is what they keep telling me anyway. Register with one in the state he was born in too, that helps. Anyway I am no way, very knowledgable on this but, you just learn as you go along. Believe me there is so much support out there for you, just ask there is someone around the corner for you, if you need someone to talk to just e-mail me, I am on this pc everyday off and on all day, in hopes that my daughter is looking also. Good luck to you in your journey back to your son. Esup (Esup@sport.rr.com)

[DanaofReno]

I saw a posting from my birthdaughter in the Adoption.Org and now I know she is looking for me as I haave been for her. Unfortunately her email is no longer working, and although I have posted in as many places as I can find I fear this will go no further. I have so much to tell her and let her know it was never a choice I made but was forced into. She has a beautiful geneological heritage she deserves to know and I want so much to begin to know who she is. I hope that someday she will learn that she was loved so much and that not a day goes by in which I think of her. If she sees this I hope she will email me at DanaofReno@aol.com