[bumblebee004]

I gave birth to my son on Jan 6th, 2012 and I fell in love with him in my arms. Jan 11th was the day that we realized that we are not at the point in life to bring a child into. We talked about adoption during the pregnancy so an open adoption was always the other option.
The last almost two years has been nothing but growing up so much faster than I could handle with so much family drama. I didn't have my family anymore really and that played in. There has been so much negativity, that no matter how right I feel a choice is, that I made a mistake anyway.
We could raise him, it would had been hard, but we wanted the best for him and we couldn't give him that. But tonight it kills me. I know that the postpartum hormones aren't helping with it. I know I'll have nights that it seems like it will never end. Just tell me that, even it if it takes years, it will get better. </3 How deep this depression could go scares me.
I would never take him away from his new home and holding him would make it okay for now, but in the long run I hope this pain will give my strength instead of weakness.

[Jackiejdajda]

Some times we do things that we really don't understand.. a hunch.. I know this is what happened when I relinquished my son..

Closed adoptions were the thing back when I relinquished.. and I ran from all of it for years.. when I finally decided to turn around and look.. what I found was that I had done the right thing.. the unshelfish thing..

Trust the journey and don't block the pain.. it will stay with you for years and years if you do.. grieve the loss.. but hang on to the reasons why..

Jackie

[LLise8153]

I think it will get better! I am only a few months into the whole process myself and there are still days that I don't want to do anything but look at little man, and I seem to cry all the time, but I hold on to the whys, and remind myself that he is in the best possible place and that he is so loved! I have talked to other birthmoms and they tell me that it never goes away, but that it does get easier. I will pray for both of us, that this is true. Try writing, if you aren't already, that seems to help me a little, even if it is just that you miss the baby, just to get it out, seems to help a little. :-)

[mudbug7777]

Look at it this way...at least you know where your child is. Think about all of the parents out there that are seeking closure for a missing child. And that child is still missing. If you have doubts...go back and get your baby back.....but if you have plans for your future.. accept the fact that your baby is in a good place now. Its far too hard to adopt a baby these days... with all the background checks and people alerting cps for everything they see. So you could just learn to feel comfortable with this and chalk it up to "It is what it is" and get on with your education and tell yourself that you did the right thing...

[Gwen72]

(((bumblebee))) I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad right now. I placed my son for adoption 20 years ago. For me, the first 5 years were hell. I started dealing with the pain and working through my grief and things gradually got better between year 5 and today. I'm not incapacited by my grief like I was at first but I still think about my son everyday and miss him. Holidays and birthdays are still very hard. He and I were reunited through the internet last May. I have had the opportunity to tell him what was going on in my life when he was born and why I chose adoption for him. He has told me that he thinks that I made the right decision. That has helped, but only a little. I still grieve the fact that I was in such a position that giving him up was the best option. That also doesn't erase the 20 years of grief I've suffered over losing a child. The only hope I can offer you is that you will eventually learn to live with the pain. Right now you are experiencing acute, debilitating pain but it will eventually calm down to a dull ache. My advice would be to get counseling from someone who specializes in adoption loss if you can and come here to get support from other women who have walked this road and can empathize with your journey.

[bumblebee004]

thanks guys <3 i was going to do counceling and all during the pregnaancy due to other issues before but now i am for sure. this is one of the good moments. I know it was the right thing, its jsut getting on with life and making him proud now and carrying this scar with me no matter where i go. i get to see him tomorrow so it will probably be one of the happiest days in a while but also the sadest! <3

[bumblebee004]

thanks guys <3 i was going to do counceling and all during the pregnaancy due to other issues before but now i am for sure. this is one of the good moments. I know it was the right thing, its jsut getting on with life and making him proud now and carrying this scar with me no matter where i go. i get to see him tomorrow so it will probably be one of the happiest days in a while but also the sadest! <3

[JustPeachy]

The first year was sheer he__ for me. Then things seemed to ease up somewhat, but I always thought about him and wondered about him. I had a semi-open adoption with updates sent/given through an agency intermediary. It was a relief and a blessing to be able to see his picture, even if it was only one picture every year or two. I also got to know a little about his life. For me, things got harder again as I got older and he was grown. I couldn't take the "life sentence" of adoption any longer, to be honest. It was around that time my son provided me with his identifying information, but it took several years after that for us to reunite. We met for the first time in April of last year and speak every few weeks (he lives far from me). I would have said in the early years, it does get better and you learn to cope/move forward with your life, and you do for the most part (though some have a harder time with this than others) but now, having lived a lifetime of this experience, I honestly would be hard pressed to recommend it to anyone. I felt at the time I was doing the right thing or the best thing, much for the same reasons you do, and to a certain extent, I still feel that way, but in looking back over a lifetime, I feel that the loss of my son was and is a terrible trauma. I have so many mixed feelings about this, because while my son did get things that I would not have been able to provide to him, he also lost things that only I/his natural family could give him. And even though I can say there were benefits to me as a result of my decision, I lost so much, too. For many mothers who choose adoption for their children, the grief intensifies over the years and that seems to be my experience. It's not as raw or horrible as that first year, and I manage it OK, but it is not easy. You definitely need a support system of some kind. I think most of us come to terms with it the best we can, but it is a very hard thing to cope with. Yes, there are/were benefits to both my son and I because of adoption, but I have come to question whether those benefits are worth the price of losing our children for life to a system that could most likely be changed so that the trauma is not so great for natural mothers and their children. I don't know if open adoption is the answer to that or not. When I go to triad support groups at my agency (which I have attended for years) and see time after time, mothers who are in great pain, I really do have to question the whole thing, but these are all mothers from the closed or semi-open days. I have not yet met IRL any mothers who had/have semi open ones. I know for me, having SOME knowledge of my son was helpful, but having semi OA or OA is still not going to take that grief away. You are still facing a very difficult and complicated loss. It can and most likely will get better, but "better" means you will still carry that loss with you, much like you would if you lost a child in any other manner.

[sarahbeachbum]

Us as mothers are supposed to do what's best for your child even if it means that we have to suffer. At least your baby isn't suffering. You did the right thing girl. The nights are the hardest. I'm not even a month into my adoption. I miss my son every single day, every single second. My heart yearns for him all the time. But I look at it as he is safe and we will see each other some day soon keep your head up girlfriend we're all behind you!

[bumblebee004]

thanks guys <3 sometimes it really hits me hard. the other night i was looking at his pictures on the adoptive moms facebook and i just broke down. i didnt feel like his mom any more. cause to me being a mom means taking care of him and protecting him but i couldnt do that anymore. we hung a framed picture of him that they gave us of him in the house and it brought tears to my eyes. i love him and miss him every day.

on a good note, i should have counseling set up in a couple week! hope it really helps with everything. i think it will be harder as he gets older and i miss out on more big moments. but we get to see tons of pictures of him and talk to the couple via text. so its pretty much open.

[EZ2Luv]

Sending you ((Hugs)) I am not abmom but I cannt begin to imagine the pain of this loss.

[lostmother2012]

It is tough and some nights will be harder than others but you learn to deal with it. Hang on in there, always be honest how you're feeling, cry if you need to and talk when you need to. Don't ever hold it in how you're feeling either.