[cdouglas]

I don't know what to do. My husband and i have three daughters the oldest one is about to turn 21 the other two are 9 and 11. But I gave up a child 23 years ago. Before I met my husband before I had other children. It was the best thing to do for my child. I was still a child myself and had nothing to give to a baby. I don't regret my decision but I think I've waited too long to tell my children now. I don't know how to tell them. I don't want them to be mad at me for not telling them. Or even worse for giving their sister away Help... what should I do?

[adoptedabby]

While I do agree that there may be some hard feelings I would strongly urge you to be honest with them now. I don't think it's ever too late to bring something like this up and it's better late than never. I really think it would be better to tell them now, on your own terms, and deal with the hard feelings than to wait until the older child comes looking for you or in a scenario where you have passed away and they make the discovery on their own. At least by coming to them with the information you have control over how it is revealed to them and you are there to answer their questions and tell them your side of the story. It will be a lot less hurtful coming from you in an honest and loving way than making the discovery later in life and having unanswered questions. Obvioulsy, these are just a strangers' opinions - but having dealt with adoption from a lot of different angles in my own life, I would say honesty is always the best policy and it's never to late to tell them.

[JeepGal]

This happened in my family It has a very happy ending!

My Grandmother gave up a child at birth when my mom was around 5 years old. My Grandmother had just divorced my grandfather, and already had three other children that she could barely care for.

Only my Aunts knew of the baby. Grandma didnt even know if it was a boy or a girl. Grandma remarried a few years after the baby was given up. She and my new Grandpa went on to have another five children!

Fast forward about 40 years.

My Mom and Dad were on vacation visiting with my Aunts in a different state. One of my Aunts mentioned that there was this woman who had found her, and was claiming to be my Moms sister. My Mom thought that was impossible! But, she decided to drive to the next state to see for herself.

They spoke on the phone first and arranged a meeting. Mom knew the instant that she opened the door that it was her sister!

Mom was NOT angry with my Grandmother at all. She talked to Grandma about it, and Grandma was very upset. Even Grandpa (my Moms stepdad) didnt know. She was very embarrased. She didnt want to upset anyone. So Mom left the pictures of my Aunt Suzie behind. Just in case.

Grandma called a few days later, saying she was ready to tell the family.

Suzie, my Grandmother, my parents, and all of my aunts and uncles flew to Vegas to meet her. It was a wonderful reunion!

My point in this is that I think as long as your children are old enough to understand the situation, you should tell them rather than wait. Has your lost daughter tried to contact you yet? Be aware that once you tell your daughters, they are going to want to find her.

Good luck and God Bless you and your family!

Tam

[jaycee34]

Hi, I am starting some research for a friend who had a baby girl adopted from birth in 1960! A long time ago, now the birth mother wishes to know if her daughter has had a happy life. She has no wish to upset anything by making herself known [unless the daughter wishes it]. She thinks of her all the time but hasn't wanted to find her in case it would upset her. Now she just wants some confirmation that she did the right thing all those years ago, having the baby when she was just a child herself really. She has three daughters from her subsequent marriage, I am not sure if they all know about their half sister but that is up to their Mother to tell them, if she wants. I am just making enquiries for her but would love to be able to tell her that her daughter has had a happy life.

[EZ2Luv]

I agree with it is never too late. Too late would be taking your secret to the grave with you leaving unanswered questions.

Take it from some who it has happened to, just tell them , speak from your heart. This is your family, they love you and while it might be hard for them to understand at first, they will come around. You may even end up pleasantly surprised by their reaction. You deserve to be able to tell them the truth, secrets can only hurt us.

I wish you all the best

[Livinlife_92651]

I remember the day I told my sons they had a sister I had no choice in telling them the news for my daughter and I we reunited.They were 11 and 8 at the time. Now 25 and 22. But it was so sad then but funny now .They got freaked out I was going to put them up for adoption ((( Started crying and carrying on. But it is all good now. Your children will not be mad they will be shocked I am sure .You just need to find the right time to tell them and explain to them why you did it and how much you loved your daughter. Your children are old enough to understand . You just need to do it )))

[murphymalone]

Take a deep breath and do it. Tell them yourself before they find out. There is no shame. I am adopted. My birthmother told my siblings after I found her. I can't imagine living with this information and worrying about what people might think. They might have reactions but you will be there to help them through it. Good luck. The person you gave up for adoption might or might not want contact. That's the dilemma. You are there for your children to answer any questions. If you have the courage to tell the truth that will help them down the road to tell the truth. Secrecy won't do anything but keep you twisted up with worry. When you let it out; put all the cards on the table...you won't have to obsess about it anymore. They are your family and they love you. Start with your husband...does he know? It sounds like he does; reassure them that you love them and you did what you thought was best at the time.

[disolveme]

Please tell them soon.
My brother wasn't told about me, until he was in his late 40's. His dad was dieing, so I doubt he could express his true feelings.
He was shocked and found it hard to get his head around. He's my only sibling, but isn't interested in meeting or for us to get to know each other, he says due to the fact he'd grown up an only child.

Set the scene, ie phones of hook, cookies and hot choc or something like that, and settle down for a talk. Expect anger, and mixed emotions.

[mudbug7777]

You need to tell them as soon as possible. Just expain to them that you were young and you dont want that to happen to them. That child you gave up may very well be looking for you...Everyone has a right to know where they came from .... and what they are made of. If you were the adoptee....you know that you would want to know and you would hold it against your mother if she had given a child up and never told you about it. So that is the answer. Just tell them ...at least the oldest one.