[RavenSong]

For those of us who discovered your relinquished children were abused....how do you handle it? Does the blame fall on us for giving them up in the first place?

I have lived with the knowledge that my son was abused by his adoptive parents for about 19 years now. It's been a difficult row to hoe. For a long time, I did not take on any of the guilt that rightly belongs to his "real" parents. But now my son is confronting his demons in therapy...and I'm the one who is getting the blame. He is beyond angry with me...because his parents abused him. And I'm just swallowing it all....and thinking, yes, son, it's all my fault.

I read on the boards all the time when a foster child dies how it's their biological mother's fault...because they wouldn't have been abused in their foster homes to begin with if their mothers hadn't screwed up. So can that thought be extrapolated to those of us who voluntarily relinquished our newborns so they would have better lives? Is it our fault when they don't have a better life than they would have had if they had stayed with us?

What I just absolutely abhor is how my son's parents are getting a free pass for abusing him, while I'm getting the blame for what they did.

[RavenSong]

I am really, really angry about this. Why in the hell would a psychiatrist encourage my son to blame me for his parents abusing him? Is this some empowerment trip? It seems all too convenient to me. His adoptive parents get off scot-free for the serious damage they did to my son, while I take the blame for what they did.

[Dickons]

Raven - NO you are not to blame. Absolutely NOT...

The parents are the ones who abused - they are the ones to be blamed and take responsibility for THEIR actions.

The state/agency ALSO needs to take accountability for what went wrong in their process of screening and follow up...

YOU HAVE NO BLAME IN THE ABUSE...

Perhaps it is the feelings of loyalty your son is feeling to his parents that denies their actions and moves up the ladder to you. He is wrong. He will see that when he eventually moves through this.

I am sorry you are feeling this way, do not accept one iota of blame...there is NO guilt to be put on you regarding SOMEONE ELSES actions.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[RavenSong]

Dickons,

I know in my head that I'm not to blame...but in my heart, I keep thinking that I should never have signed those surrender papers, that I should never have trusted the adults or the professionals, for that matter.

I see that 16-year-old girl so clearly in my mind...despair was the matter of the day. I don't understand why my family members, especially my mother, were able to just let my baby go. And what I really don't understand is why I'm responsible for what his adoptive parents did to him. I'm not the one who did their homestudy...I'm not the one who approved them to adopt a baby.

The zinger of the whole thing, what really stings, is that the blame for his abuse is being laid at my door. His holy adoptive parents get off with a free pass, while I'm judged for the whole darn thing. I am not the one who beat him, who scorned him, who called him names, who threw him into a mental hospital at the age of 13 and then left him to rot there. I am not the one who left him in a nut ward at Christmas while they took a 3-week vacation. I am not the reason he attempted suicide (and very nearly succeeded) that Christmas.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Raven,

I'm curious about how you are getting this information. Is your son telling you that the psych is encouraging him to blame you? I'm trying to grasp this...

[RavenSong]

Heidi,

I've been trying to put two and two together for several months now. All I know is that my son has a new therapist, and they've been working on adoption-related issues. And now my son is angrier at me than he has ever been in almost 21 years of reunion.

And I'm sick of it....

[Dickons]

Raven,

If it is the doctor that is encouraging this then your son should seek someone else and the doctor should examine his own ethics and perhaps boon up on just what societal mores were during that era... where 95% (?) of unwed mothers had no choice but to surrender...where hospitals ensured an unwed mother did not leave the hospital with her baby...where signs with the letters BFA were hung outside the door of the mothers room to ensure nurses did not bring babies to their unwed mother...

I am so very sorry this is happening to you...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[thanksgivingmom]

Raven, you are NOT to blame. We, tragically, live in a society where we often shift the blame to the wrong person.

The woman that ends up in a hospital because of domestic abuse, because she should have left earlier.

The woman that wouldn't have gotten raped if she hadn't "been dressed like that" or "been out alone."

And with you, the birthmom that could have prevented her son's abuse if she had been able to see the future?

NO.

The man that hits the woman is to blame.

The man that rapes the woman is to blame.

And the parents that abused your son are to blame. The system that allowed his parents to adopt are to blem. NOT YOU.

And someone that tries to push your son to feel differently, to shift blame to you? Is sick. And wrong.




(((((((hugs)))))) my friend.

[RavenSong]

Dickons, it doesn't surprise me that his new shrink is doing this. I mean, like look at all the judgmental attitudes we get from people who are active members of the adoption community, people who should have a clue. How many people who weren't even alive in the BSE judge those of us who lost our children to adoption? A lot....

You know, the other day when I saw Oprah Winfrey tell her mother that now is the time to let go of the shame...well, I thought, Oprah, you don't have a clue. The shame will never go away as long as there are people judging the mothers of the Baby Scoop Era.

[Dickons]

Raven - you have to protect yourself right now. My point of view is that YOU need to draw some lines in the sand...tell him you will be there for him but you will not accept blame for something YOU had no part in. Feel free to tell him "I" said so...and he can come hash it out with me...

Kind regards,
Dicons

[RavenSong]

Dickons,

I know I'm an easy target...I always have been as a natural mother. When the agency first contacted me shortly before my son's 14th birthday, his parents were ever so eager to blame me and my genes for my son's behavior. Let me say this: my son comes from great genetic stock. He is a direct descendent of two signers of the Declaration of Independence; he is the descendent of the pioneers who settled the Republic of Texas. He is the descendent of three colonial governors, statesmen, diplomats, union organizers, coal miners, cattle and sheep ranchers. His great-great-great-great grandfather was one of the very first Texas Rangers.

When his parents met me, they changed their minds...and Michael became the focus of their blame. Poor Mike, he was an easy target. Funny that all of his children attended Ivy League universities with full academic scholarships, except for his firstborn child, our son....whose "real" parents were convinced was learning disabled. But Mike is dead, so Mike is a fantastic target.

[Dickons]

Raven,

Some people cannot grasp the fact they they themselves are who they should look at to to find the why...

Others are too quick to accept something they had no control over AT ALL...

Blaming genetics when everything points to bad parenting (i.e mental and physical abuse and the lack of love that a child needs) is simply false - they only need to look into the mirror to see the real answer.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[shadow riderer]

I'm shocked that any therapist would encourage him to take out his anger on, or blame you for his APs abuse. Going back in my own mind, I can remember being angry at my BPs. I can remember thinking, and being angry about the what ifs. I can remember being jealous of my Bsibs, because they seemed to have so much more than I ever did, and I don't mean just material things. I can remember being angry that my BPs took responsibility for the children they raised, and let me go. I can remember feeling cheated. I remember the rage I felt at my Bmom after contacting my Bdad. In a way I guess that I did blame them for a lot of things. It was part of the process of letting go of the grief. I never blamed my BPs for the actual acts of abuse. My therapist would never have let me. She would have reminded me of the difference between greiving and putting responsibility on those where it was due. It was very hard to finally admit that I was abused, but never did I blame my APs actions on my BPs. She would have encouraged me to get it out, talk about it, but not take it out on either of my BPs. My therapist would never have let me do that, without guiding me back to reality. Raven, I'm so sorry you are going through this again.I wish I knew what to say. Sending you hugs, and wanting to strangle your son's therapist. Our BPs had no control after reliquishment.

[snoopy87]

I was getting ready to post pretty much the exact same thing Shadow said...

I was an abused adoptee, too. When I met one of my birthparents who was healthy and kind and had raised happy, well-adjusted children, I went through an awful grief process. Every time I heard a positive story about their lives, it was like getting kicked in the stomach. I thought things like, "Why? Why was I endlessly mistreated while they were hugged and loved and encouraged and celebrated? They were kept, why couldn't I have been? Why did I have to endure all that? How can I ever enjoy being around them when their happy memories serve only to remind me of the stark contrast with my own upbringing?"

I don't think this is blame as much as grief work, coping, and growing. I did see a therapist. She did listen. She didn't encourage me to blame my birthparents for the abuse suffered from my aparents, but she did listen and try to understand my pain. And, once I got it all out, I suddenly got through it.

Honestly, I think the position you are in is almost more difficult than if you were to blame. If you were to blame, you could apologize, you could try to make amends. You aren't guilty, you weren't the abuser, so there isn't much you can do other than wait for him to work through it and heal.

Something that helped ground me through the bad times was just focusing on the present. I wanted to get through the grief because in my heart I knew the past was forever behind us and all we have is today. I realized I was mad at others for being cheated out of healthier times in the past and I wasn't going to be responsible for cheating myself out of a healthy present and future.

A friend shared this quote with me the other day and I really liked it: "If you cannot find meaning in your life, it is your responsibility as a human being to create it, whether that is fulfilling dreams or finding work that gives you purpose and self-worth--ideally a combination of both." --Timothy Ferriss

I think it is pertinent because the truth is we all have to grow up and stop blaming others for our unhappiness at some point. Bad stuff happens. At the end of the day, we alone are responsible to find meaning in our lives, we are responsible for improving our own self-worth.

Also, just wanted to add, while I was grieving the past, it was at times very hard for me to communicate with my birthparents. Communicating felt like dumping water into a river I was trying to wade across. I needed to focus on where I was going and get to the other side. I needed to figure it out and make peace before I could put anymore energy into moving forward with them. I wasn't intentionally pushing them aside - I was focusing my energy on my healing.

Best wishes,
Snoopy

[JustPeachy]

First off, I think you son needs a new therapist.

Secondly, no matter who says you are to blame for his abuse (even if it comes from your son himself), the fact of the matter is, you did not abuse your son and you are not to blame. You do not have to TAKE ON that blame, even if it is directed at you. I'm frankly appalled that this is happeneing to you, but even more so given your very young age at the time of relinquishment. Can a 16 year old girl really be held responsible for the abuse perpetrated by someone else when she was in a crisis situation with her back against the wall? You had NO SUPPORT and no other recourse at that time. People who argue "well, if you didn't decide to surrender him, he wouldn't be abused" are misplacing the blame here, big time.

It seems to me that natural mothers are often ****ed if they do and ****ed if they don't. If you surrender a child, and your kid has issues, it was YOU who screwed up your kid because you placed them. If you kept them and were not able to raise them well, you'd be at fault for screwing up your kid from that, and you'd be blamed again, too. You did the best you thought you could do under the circumstances at SIXTEEN. It's time you forgive yourself, Raven. Seriously. I know it's not easy, but for god's sake, you were just a kid yourself!

If my son came to me and insinuated or directly told me that I was to blame for being abused, I'd point him right back to where he needed to lay the blame: with those who abused him. Period. That's not to say I wouldn't feel guilty for placing him (I would be HORRIFIED if my son were abused--thankfully he wasn't), but I also would have to flat out refuse to take that blame. As I said previously, people can go ahead and blame you until the cows come home. You, however, don't have to accept it.

This is also something that your son needs to consider. Very wise words here:

I think it is pertinent because the truth is we all have to grow up and stop blaming others for our unhappiness at some point. Bad stuff happens. At the end of the day, we alone are responsible to find meaning in our lives, we are responsible for improving our own self-worth.

Can your son imagine even being in your position at all? Can he think back on when HE was 16?? Could HE have fathered a child and RAISED that child with no support?? My guess is he couldn't. My own son, at 29, told me he cannot imagine doing it even NOW, at his age, but definitely not at 19 when I relinquished him. I was older than you, Raven (barely 19) and I couldn't do it.

I have to say, I'm p.o.'d at your son's therapist, and anyone else who has blamed you, but also your son. He has every right to be angry, but he does not have a right to blame you for what his parents did to him, and I do think you need to stop swallowing that and let him know how you feel, too. You don't deserve to have him lash out at you over this and you have every right to set a boundary around what you will and will not take from him.