[lahdh4]

I have a question.

I have what is supposed to be an open adoption. It has been over a year since my last visit and we are quickly coming to 1 1/2 years since I have seen Supergirl.

So, I have been working with a mediator and they finally made comment this past week and I was able to know a good number of things about Supergirl that I did know before even with my questions.

Okay, mediator seems to think that amom just doesn't get/understand what I would like to know. I get 2 sentences with pictures and there is NOTHING to let me know of ANYTHING about Supergirl.
I just don't know how to deal with someone who doesn't understand?
How am I to understand when it takes a third party to find out the things I wish I was told in the first place?

[portlowski]

This situation is baffling to me. I am an amom.

I wonder if your mediator would be able to give the aparnts a book to read...one that you have read first. My son's birthfamily and my husband and I used "Making Room in Our Hearts: keeping family ties through open adoption" by Micky Duxbury as a reference point to talk about openness.

I am wishing the very best for you and Supergirl.

[lovemy6]

I'm sorry that I don't know your history, so maybe I'm off here, but maybe a-mom needs to have a list of questions that she can answer. Off hand I'm thinking that as a biomom you might want to know: what types of activities does bd like? what are her favorite foods? what are her least favorite activities? Would those be some of the questions you'd like to have answered?

I don't know the age of your bd, but I got my kids at almost 3 and 5 years old, adopted them two years later and those are the updates I'd give to their bfamily in between our two visits a year. As our relationships developed over the years, I've been able to ask their bios what kinds of things they'd like to know and they told me just what their day to day stuff is like. And here I thought they wanted HUGE stuff....nope, just the little mondane things. I was told by an adoption "expert" that the bios just like to have something to help them feel bonded or connected to the kids...like, oh, they love Dr. Suess too, so do I.

I hope the mediator can relate your wishes to the afamily.

[jp4ga]

As an Amom each month I struggle with "The Letter." I don't know what she wants to know, I don't want to make her feel bad because she is missing out on so much and I don't want to write a novel with every little detail. What I think is important may not be important to her. It is a struggle. I get sick each month, wondering if what I am writing is good enough. Finally I just asked her what do you want to know? Her answer was everything, which was actually helpful. Now I ramble, but it took 15 months to get to that point. My first letters where 3 or 4 bullet points and 3 or 4 pictures.

Maybe you could write a note asking specific questions or saying "I would like to know more about...."

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

Maybe you could write a note asking specific questions or saying "I would like to know more about...."

been there, done that, and got no response

[belleinblue1978]

I've been where you are Leigh and I don't know what to tell you. In my son's mom's case I think it is her insecurities coming through, but I may be wrong of course. She is afraid to share with me because she doesn't want to give away what is HERS kwim?

Hang in there sister! We'll get through this!

[Suziebearhugs]

I think she knows full well what you want. She just doesn't want to do it, and now she is making excuses to cover her tracks and make it seem like she isn't at fault.

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

As an Amom each month I struggle with "The Letter." I don't know what she wants to know, I don't want to make her feel bad because she is missing out on so much and I don't want to write a novel with every little detail. What I think is important may not be important to her. It is a struggle. I get sick each month, wondering if what I am writing is good enough. Finally I just asked her what do you want to know? Her answer was everything, which was actually helpful. Now I ramble, but it took 15 months to get to that point. My first letters where 3 or 4 bullet points and 3 or 4 pictures.

Maybe you could write a note asking specific questions or saying "I would like to know more about...."

I face this same struggle each and every month. Unfortunately I didn't get a response when I asked the question. And when I asked her to please ask me questions that she would like answered, I got no response either.

As an AMom I do feel it would help to have a list of questions that you would like answered every communication. It gives me a starting point and then would allow me to continue from there with more information.

[jmomma]

I am astonished at the Amoms saying they don't know what to say. Surely you talk to your friends and family about your adopted childrend *all the time*. I talked to my friends and family about my kids as they were growing up. That's a lot of what parents of young kids do, talk about them. Well their "Bmoms" would like to be in on the conversation. Little stories about their favorite characters, what they do when they're tired, how often and what they eat. Do they like the water? rocks? dolls? trucks? Do they sing, dance? What songs? ETC

[belleinblue1978]

Leigh,

It is so tough because I have been there done that with the whole asking questions. I've asked them not once, not twice but repeatedly and still don't get an answer. How much more help does she need right?

We're here for you.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by jmomma

I am astonished at the Amoms saying they don't know what to say. Surely you talk to your friends and family about your adopted childrend *all the time*. I talked to my friends and family about my kids as they were growing up. That's a lot of what parents of young kids do, talk about them. Well their "Bmoms" would like to be in on the conversation. Little stories about their favorite characters, what they do when they're tired, how often and what they eat. Do they like the water? rocks? dolls? trucks? Do they sing, dance? What songs? ETC

Jmomma - this is EXACTLY the stuff I'd like to know too.

I think you put it really well when you said we'd like to be in on the conversation. That's exactly it! It doesn't (for me) have to be a "special" conversation that's outside of what any parent would share with any friend/relative/etc.

If they DO have something special to share? That's wonderful! But the everyday stuff is just perfect too

[chloroxsis]

Maybe you can ask her to write how a day goes. It could cover her wake-up and go to bed routine. Eating. Activities. Others in her her life. A quick example of something like that:

I wake her up everyday at 7:00 a.m. She is NOT a morning person, but by 8:30 she is coming alive. She loves when commercials come on. I know we are going to have a fight when I try to feed her whatever. Nothing gets her more excited than when I grabbed the car keys. She loves to go. She is always hoping it's Wal-Mart!

Good luck!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Leigh;

Have you said, "No detail is too small or mundane. Tell me anything you think is interesting about her. What makes her tick? What makes her special to you? Why does she make you laugh? Why does she frustrate you? Anything. Everything. I'd love to hear it all."